Saturday, January 31, 2009

Words for Rob

I said goodbye to you yesterday. Or at least I think I did. Your friends were all around. Your family filled up the front rows. Last time that happened, we were getting married. Do you remember how it felt to have EVERYONE we loved there? Overwhelming. But you weren't there this time. And it was the most surreal feeling. Where were you? It couldn't be real, right? Any second now, you would be walking in the door. I think of all the times that we lived together that you would come through the front door. It was so normal.

Did you hear the story I told? I sat there, debating whether or not to go up. All I could think of was how much everybody hated me. And how with every word I spoke, they would be seething. But I knew that wasn't true. Richy, Steve, Matt, Erin, and Laurie... they all showed me love... unexpected. And I knew that maybe someone in that room would want to hear that silly story about you eating breakfast naked in the snow in Moab.

It was so good to hear Richy talk about you. And Erin. And Matt and Steve. You and I only had 8 married months together without cancer. It was so long ago, that sometimes I wasn't sure if I would remember our good times. But they reminded me.

You were so faithful. So funny. So authentic and genuine. You loved me.

You know what I thought today? That we never should have gotten a divorce. And that is why I woke up this morning at 4am. My heart weighed 100 pounds. And today at the mall, I wanted to buy something that would always remind me of you. A necklace. But I couldn't find anything. I don't want to date anyone. I just want to be alone and practice music and make you proud.

It makes me think about the purpose of my life. Really, I'm here to give to my friends and my students. And that's it. Everything else can leave me alone.

I haven't said goodbye to you yet, have I?

1 comment:

Mya said...

I'm glad you went up and told the story. Wish I could have been there.