It's A Whole New Ballgame

Happy New Year! It's 2013 and news around town is we are having a baby. A real human. What am I going to do with another human in our house? I don't even know how to frost a cake properly. And, boy, is Wyatt going to be pissed to find out that after having to adapt to having another dog-creature in the house, he's now going to have to share us with a baby.

In all seriousness, though, we are thrilled. After having lost our last one in July of 2012, we were spending the first trimester taking one day at a time and trying not to get our hopes up while still maintaining our excitement for the present blessing. It seems we can relax a bit now, although you never know what life brings your way. Adam is a very excited dad-to-be and couldn't wait another few weeks to share the news, so we shared it with the world at large on social media, where we can read about someone's marriage proposal and another person's creative cat-shaving techniques in mere seconds.

So now I get to experience the adventure of pregnancy. Mine has been great, actually. During the first one, aside from some heartburn and unearthly salivation, I felt great. This one has been different. I've been way more tired... to the point that Adam really had to take over all the packing and arrangements to move back to Colorado. I've also been bugged by afternoon aversion to food that lasts into the evening. It started at about 6 weeks and disappeared around 11 weeks, but it's back again at 13 weeks. Any sort of meat just turns my stomach, so all I really like to eat in the evenings is salad, eggs, bread, and cheese. In fact, cheese is my go-to. Cheese and crackers, mac and cheese, grilled cheese. It's delightful. Until today when I ordered a grilled cheese at Panera. I love Panera! But they filled my grilled cheese with these pallid bits of bacon that ended my excitement of the grilled cheese. Ugh. Pregnant girl's nightmare.

Anyway, the next few weeks will be full of all kinds of fun milestones... kicking and a pregger belly and starting to realize it is all actually happening. Yeesh. It's going to be a wild ride!

Year One

A year ago tomorrow was our wedding day! The love and light from that amazing day will never fade. It's said that life is made up of the simple things and I can say that lines up with what we've experienced this year.  We love to think back upon those butterfly effect moments, those simple things, that led us to where we are today and it's thrilling to think that as we go about each day, we live many other butterfly effect moments that will lead us to where we go tomorrow.

In knowing Adam for four years, I've learned lots about him. But there are times in our life that what I learn about him comes in gigantic waves. We were surprised to find out early this summer that we would be expecting a baby early in 2013. I will never forget Adam's expression when I told him. His eyes lit up and for the first time, we began thinking about the family we were beginning. What do we do? I don't even know how to make kneecaps or anything! Within weeks, we settled into the grand idea that we would shortly be welcoming our first little one. I bought Adam the first book that he would read the baby and when we were in New York, we picked up a West Point onesie, so we would be prepared for football games. We shared the news with Adam's family and I sent a book to surprise my parents with the news.

Just a day after I sent this book, we lost the baby. I can't accurately explain the horror of the experience without detailing the entire process. It truly was awful. But we reminded ourselves to be grateful because it could have been worse. I cried for days and it was difficult to get used to the idea that I was only me again. But Adam truly provided so much of what I needed to be able to move ahead. I struggled quite a bit with the idea that our little one was not given a proper goodbye but Adam had the most assuring response and although it was so difficult, we made it through together. We decided to name our little one and to light up one of those paper balloons that you send into the sky. Of all the memories of our first year, although it is the most sad, it also is the sweetest. Knowing that I am married to a man of character that is strong and caring and supportive is absolutely priceless and it makes celebrating our first anniversary that much sweeter.

So, to my husband, whom I love more than anything... thank you for all of our special memories. You make my life rich and beautiful every single day. I love you.

The Very Happiest Day

The day, September 24th, was a remarkable day. It had snowed in Breckenridge the weekend before, but when we arrived, the weather was absolutely perfect. The temperature was in the low to mid-60's. The sun was out and the trees were beginning to change. Lots of people had come into town that weekend to see the beautiful weather and many strangers ended up being guests at our very special wedding.

The weekend had been so busy with so many loved ones around. Everyone worked so hard to make our wedding wishes come true. We had family preparing the rehearsal dinner, folks hanging paper lanterns in the reception room, and bridesmaids searching Breckenridge for the perfect wedding townie bike.









I shuffled from one event to the next and all of a sudden it was the afternoon of our wedding day. And I was alone. I walked down Main Street wearing a summery halter dress and trailing my veil from a bag I carried over my shoulder. The cool breeze and hot fall sun made me super happy. I stopped to get a sandwich at the patisserie, a bottle of wine at the the liquor store, and a toy for Wyatt at the pet store.


The people of Breckenridge made this day so
marvelous. The man at the liquor store added a little bonus to my bag. The tourists smiled and waved as we passed by in our wedding garb. The man in the rickshaw offered to pedal me to the ceremony site... right up to my dear grandfather who was waiting to walk me down the aisle. Their kindness was too much for me to take in that moment.

I walked across the bridge at the Riverwalk with my grandfather who handed me off to my father who walked me down to Adam. We got married right at the stone steps that overlook the Blue River. The sun was in its full glory, lighting up the trees and giving the perfect glow to my veil. The sunlight glistened off the water and I had never felt such a beautiful day before in all my life. Townspeople and tourists gathered at the opposite side of the bank to witness our ceremony. It was truly remarkable.

And this is what I said that day: "I, Stephanie, take you, Adam, to be my husband, God's precious gift to me. You are my constant friend, my faithful partner in our lifelong adventure, and my one true love. On this day, in the presence of God and all our family and friends, I give to you my pledge to stay by your side. To love you faithfully, to trust you and honor you through the best and worst of times. I promise to love you without reservation, to comfort you in times of distress, to encourage you to achieve all of your goals, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to always be open and honest with you. May we daily be prepared for God’s own divine purposes. I will love you today, tomorrow, and forever."

Eric, our pastor, gave a very touching closing remark at the end of the ceremony. One that I will always remember. And after a very joyous kiss and backwards dip, we left the ceremony site as man and wife. All of our completely wonderful friends and family followed through with our request to bring silly props: wax lips, feather boas, patriotic hats, funny sunglasses; and we headed around for a loop of Breckenridge. It was such a fun way to start off the party - we love-love-loved it.

Adam and I snuck away to a grassy hill and sat together for a wonderful moment before we came in to the reception. We ate and danced and toasted and I smashed cake in my love's face. And it was a wonderful, wonderful day. Many thanks to all the very, very special people who made our wedding such a delight. We love you and miss you every single day.

Lucky Lady!

Since mid-March, life has flown by and I've neglected to mention the most exciting news of all. Adam and I are engaged! My love asked me to marry him on March 24 while we were walking along the National Mall, right at the foot of the Washington Monument. Adam had the ring sent to the hotel. He suggested we go to see the monuments lit up, so we took the Metro to DC and ran between the monuments. We only had a short time until the Metro stopped running, so we had to move it. It was a wonderful evening. We celebrated our engagement at the Hard Times Cafe near our house. It was the only place open and the name made us laugh.

I really should be more eloquent about the whole event, but what I really want to say is how wonderful Adam is. I am far too blessed for words. Adam is an incredible man... consistent, dedicated, wise, loving, gentle, encouraging. He has strong morals. He is patriotic and adventurous. He is athletic and positive. I am excited for the life ahead and incredibly thrilled to be spending it with Adam.

I am a lucky, lucky girl.

DC Adventure Begins

Well, we made it 1,691 miles across the country driving a 16-foot moving van and pulling our very Colorado blue Subaru behind. There was no mistaking us for any mid-western city folk. We had three pairs of skis in the ski rack and two pretty rocking mountain bikes hanging off the back. There was no doubt. We are from Colorado.

This has been a huge mix of emotion for me. I am leaving everything. Everything except Adam. Because of this, there is a pile of excitement, a bushel of sadness, and a boatload of nervous expectation. It's hard to anticipate what any new experience will do with my psyche. I jumped in the Subaru as we pulled into Virginia - Adam driving the van as we left the car trailer behind in Frederick, MD.
I was super excited to change the clock in the Soob to eastern time and I scrolled through the radio stations to program the very best of 80's hits and bluegrass and classic rock. I didn't find a suitable KBCO substitute... yet. Nor will I, I imagine. This whole suiting-the-car-up-for-Virginia-living had a positive vibe to it.


Adam and I pulled into town, drove through the new neighborhood, met with our landlord, and headed out to find what we may decide to call our little corner of town. We jumped on the Metro (I say that cautiously... everything new takes precision and thoughtfulness)and decided to get off at King Street. The delicate white lights adorning the trees called us off the train. In fact, we passed the stop and came back to it because it was so appealing. We wandered down the puddle-patterned streets until we hit Tiffany Tavern. We'd read about it in the Lonely Planet guide to Washington, DC and decided to duck inside to have fish and chips and a crabcake sandwich. We were not let down. A small six-piece bluegrass band was set up at the front. The bar was filled with lone business travelers and east coast locals. The bricks and dark wooden beams showed all of the building's 120 years.
I ordered a Smithwick's, which I found out later at seedy little O'Shaugnessy's is correctly prounounced Smiddick's. It truly was a delightful way to spend our first night in DC. But for whatever reason, perhaps it was the familiar hum of bluegrass or the feeling of miles between me and my home, I got choked up. That's the polite way to say I pretty much bawled. It wasn't anything in particular I was thinking of... other than that I'm leaving my Colorado home. My quirky family, my unforgettable friends, my altitude, my microbrews, my raindrops on sunny days, my piles of snow, my abrupt Spring and Fall, my job, my students, my ski seasons, my mountain towns, my simple transit. Everything. Of course I will miss the Colorado people I love the most... my pillars of strength and my blankets of comfort.

I know there will be more adventures to have and more places to love and more friends to laugh with. But it's not that easy. You got to let go of allllllll of that awesomeness and bankrupt yourself for a little bit until you've got a little start to a foundation in a new place. I am not excited about that. I am excited, however, to start a life with the man I love. I am excited to learn a new place with him and to dream up new dreams and find ourselves in wonderful new places. We are lucky to have found each other and I can't wait to spend my days with him.

Glenwood Triathlon

Well, I did it. I am a triathlete.

On September 11, Adam and I spent the day in Glenwood Springs looking at the route. Adam repaired the brakes on his road bike. We drove up I-70 along the bike route and we biked the run route. We went to the hot springs pool and swam some laps. And this is where Adam learned that I have never learned to dive.

In Adam's opinion, I am not to be considered as a potential mate unless I know how to dive. So... he taught me. It seriously was difficult to get comfortable with the idea of toppling upside down as my body hurtles through the air. I don't care if I AM landing in water. It didn't feel right. Anyway, after twenty or so various jumps, leaps, and falls into the water, I did it.

The next morning, we got up early and ate peanut butter and banana wraps, drank coffee, made sure we pooped (this is very important to do, which is why it's worth mentioning) and got our bags packed up to head to our transition. My start time was 7:45 and Adam's was 8:35.

We entered transition, set our bikes up and laid out our towels below. I set out my clothes for the transitions and made sure I taped some nutrition to my bike. We checked in and got our body markings and it was time to start! I awkwardly put on my swim cap and found my start position in the pool.

The swim was exciting! I didn't get kicked and punched as much as I thought I would. The swim was pretty smooth. I found out later that I was in a huge pack of swimmers... our heat didn't spread out as much as it probably should have. The first half lap was rough. I was trying to get used to the feeling of being in a big pack of people. I tried to maximize my stroke, but I didn't feel like I was getting the output that I was getting when I practiced alone in a lane. Before I knew it, I was on the seventh length of the 100+ meter pool. I momentarily freaked out, not remembering if I was on the last length, so I yelled for Adam and at first, he told me to go another lap. But he chased me down and let me know that it really was my last length.


The transition was ok. I wanted to get dried off so I could put my bike/run tank on, but it still got all twisted. I think I will probably just swim in it next time. Although, it was pretty cold that morning. I had some water and rinsed the mineral water off my face and arms. The day before, we had noticed how itchy it was, so I was glad to get it off my skin before the bike. The bike was awesome. Besides almost falling over when I got on it, it was smooth. We biked up I-70 for 7.5 miles. I got to the turn-around 20 minutes after I started, which was WAY faster than I thought it should have been. I remember seeing the exit for the turn-around and thinking how nice it would be to have the wind at my back for the return ride. I don't know what I was thinking because as soon as I turned around, the wind was crazy in my face. The entire way back, there was no rest from the wind. And as Adam had decided from our car ride the day before - the bike was uphill on the way back to Glenwood. I came within about a mile of the exit and saw Adam starting his bike portion. I have to admit, I had thought of messing with his back brake to slow him down, but decided against it. Tee-hee. I'm no cheater. That's for sure.

As I came into transition two, I realized I couldn't feel my toes and my legs were a little shaky. But I changed quickly into my running shoes and headed out. I had tried to eat while on the bike, but the gummy things I had were too chewy, so I really didn't end up eating much of anything at all during the race. The first third of a mile was all uphill and it certainly felt weird after having gotten off the bike. I ran over the bridge over I-70, circled the block of the Hotel Denver, getting a quick look at the finish line. I ran fairly well. There were two times I stopped to walk for one minute, but other than that, I felt fantastic. The run went so well. I was so excited coming into the finish.


a>This was the culmination of months of hard work. Of learning to use powerful strokes in the swim. Of practicing how to hold my body on the bike. Of mile after mile of forcing myself to run. Of learning to hold my hips higher in the water and to breathe and to streamline my body position. And this right here was it. I thought back to the last two hours and 14 minutes of the race and it seemed like I had only just started. I was energetic and excited. And I knew then that if I could, I would go back and push a little harder. I would try to get out of that pack of swimmers. I would get that first transition faster. And I would push it a little more on the run. But the overwhelming feeling was that I had worked hard. It had nothing to do with anyone else. Just my own drive and my own motivation to learn something new and to do well. And here I was. I did it.

I have never felt like that. I am extremely proud of all the hard work I put into achieving such an unfamiliar goal. And now I can't stop. I am thrilled to do my next one. I ended up 91st out of 140-some women. And out of 28 first-timers, I was 14th. Not bad. I was fairly competitive with some of my times. I know I can get every leg faster. I'm hoping to get within the top 33% next time. I will do it. That's for sure.

Adam's Homecoming!

I can't believe it. The day is almost here. I am so excited, I can hardly stand it. Living far, far, far away from someone you love isn't easy in some ways, but it's also not hard. It's not fun having to rely on Skype and mailing packages and talking on the phone to maintain a relationship. But it's a WHOLE lot better than just scrapping the whole relationship. I am so happy that we are almost together again.

I guess I've sort of gotten used to having him gone. Right before he left, I wondered what it would be like with him gone and I wasn't sure I knew how to DO that kind of a relationship. And now here we are on the other side and sometimes I wonder what it will be like with him back. Every now and then I wonder if I will know how to do that kind of relationship. This new, "hey, he lives in my same city", thing.

We've handled these transitions so well and I am super proud to be his lady. We've been planning 100 things to do with each other. All the things we missed out on during his deployment. It's catch-up time. One of the first things... cliff jumping. ;)

Finish Line In View

I almost cried. I could feel the excitement. Coming into the stadium, with everyone yelling... the finish line in view... it all welled up in me. But it didn't quite overflow. That's a good thing.

I ran the Bolder Boulder yesterday. My first race - 10 kilometers at about 5,400 feet above sea level. I knew it would be a challenge and I was determined to make it in the range that I'd set for myself. I had spent the last few weeks getting ready by pushing my distance higher. Truly, I've never known myself as a 'runner'. Just like I'd never known myself as a skiier. But this has been the year to push that boundary a little bit and to see where I get.

I had 6.2 miles to run. I ran the first mile in 9 minutes. A minute faster than I was used to running on the treadmill. Whoops. Pace setting. Shortly after that first mile, my stomach cramped up and I felt like I was going to throw up. Maybe it was that stupid first mile, but for the next two miles, I felt pretty awful. I took some energy gel, and chugged some gatorade and shortly, I felt better. In fact, I felt so much better. My pace was set. My music had picked up tempo and I was able to match it with my own steps. The people around me were so much fun, too. There were three painted green - one of which I crashed into, leaving my arm the shade of the Jolly Green Giant. In one of the neighborhoods I passed by, a lady yelled out, "You got it! Don't give up. Just set your pace and keep at it." That echoed in my thoughts for the rest of the race.

At one point, I had slowed to a walk. Someone ran by shouting, "Go, Adam!!" I realized he was yelling that for me. I had posted a sign on my back that said, "I am running in honor of CPT Adam Brink, who is running the BB 7,000 miles away". Immediately, I remembered Adam was running along with me that very second half-way across the world. A huge smile came over me and I picked up my pace again. It was so wonderful to know that he was there, too.

I maintained a run all the way up that final hill and into the stadium. It was awesome. At no point did I ever think I wasn't going to make it. I ended up missing my goal time by 30 seconds, but I was still super excited. It was my first race. I had a rough start, but ended up setting a solid pace. I only wish I could remember it with more detail. I get so focused on the task at hand. I have different things I fill my thoughts with so that I can finish strong, but I lose out on my surroundings and on the details of the race. But I raced up the final hill and as I came into the stadium, I came around to the finish line at full speed. Exhilarating.

It was an awesome experience. Really, just knowing that I can do something that before in my life I thought was out of my reach. So, on to the next goal... a triathlon in September and a half-marathon in October. Then I think I'll take it easy and stick to skiing and regular distances like 5Ks. But who really knows?

Gone Again

It was a whirlwind. Seemed like only a few short days. He came and he left. But it was so wonderful. I came home to Wyatt. No Adam to pick me up from school. Part of it feels very back-to-normal. I've been on a roll the last five months that he's been gone. So when he left this afternoon, my little heart broke and I wasn't ready to let him out of that comfortable feels-like-home last hug, but a few miles down the road - back to the normalcy of school and it felt just like it should, I suppose. A sense that everything was back to the 'normal' that I knew while he was gone.

But I step back into my quiet house and the only warm fuzzy man here is my wonderful dog... and it starts to get to me again. He left from my house to pick me up so we could go to the airport today... his shaving cream sitting on my counter. He left me one of his favorite shirts. A chair scooted out from the table where we had lunch. His footsteps still pressed into the carpet. The seat in my car still sitting far from the wheel just like he drives it.

That is how it should be. You wish that your time together would be well-spent and that you have such a great time that when he leaves, you are sad about all the things you will miss sharing. I already miss sharing this moment with him. Hearing him talk on the phone in the other room. I think it all comes down to knowing that you COULD do it all without him... the waking up, the enjoying the day, the big highs and lows and beautiful moments of the day... but you just don't want to.

Six Days

Just six days. That's all! I get to see Adam again in six days. I'm really excited to see him. I miss him so much. Sometimes it seems like the time has flown by... I've certainly not wasted it. That's for sure. Relationships, though, make me nervous. I think I'm past that "everything is perfect" phase. I am just not inclined to believe that any relationship can be perfect. Truly, I think that's a good spot to be in. There's not alot to be nervous about with us, though. It is what we make it. And we have a really wonderful relationship.

I think what I might be a little jittery about is just the fact that we have two weeks and that's it. All we've got is two tiny little weeks in the middle of nine months. I want everything to go well, of course, but I know that the best way to do it is just to enjoy every moment and milk every bit of joy out of what time we have rather than to force all kinds of fun into every second. I adore Adam.

The whole idea of not being able to look into the future has been echoing through my thoughts lately - both with work and with our relationship. It's scary not knowing what is coming around the corner. You get comfortable with where things are at. You see all the joy that you already have and it gets scary knowing that at some point things change - maybe for the better and maybe not. But I love what Adam told me earlier - that you just focus on the positive parts of the change.

I can't wait, though. He is the vanilla ice cream in my root beer float.

Valentine's No-Surprise

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and there really is only one thing that I want... for Adam to be here. But 7,000 miles away is a little far for that and I'm not going to get my wish. Today, he told me that he had gone out to dinner with his soldiers. They had all sent something home for their sweeties. Oops. Adam hadn't.

Now, a week ago or so, I thought to myself... if Adam doesn't take this chance to do something special to let me know that he cares about me... I'm going to be upset! He's so far away. Surely he thought of me, right?

This isn't the first time this has happened. That's just how Adam is. And frankly, I understand it. The obligation to buy somebody something on a specific day is a little obnoxious. Wouldn't it mean more if I just bought him a gift because I wanted to and not because there was some sort of obligation to do so? I get it.

Well, I told myself I was going to be upset about it. So, I tried to stir myself up. To get all bothered and annoyed. But it hasn't worked. I would just like to get huffy and impatient. But all I can think of is how good he is to me. How he loves me. And how wonderful he is. There's nothing to BE upset about.

So, Happy Valentine's Day to me. I have a fantastic man.

A Year Ago

It's about that time of year. I remember hearing on New Year's Eve 2008 that Rob had been moved to hospice. For the rest of the night, that's just about all I could think about.

The days went by. I went up to visit him. And one day, he died. As I read back through my blog at that time, I recall my grief and my relief - simultaneous, as strange as that may seem. I remember thinking that I could count on one dear friend in particular for consolation, but that turned out not to be true. That sunk very deep.

I barely knew Adam. We had just begun dating. Yet he held me in his arms and asked about Rob. He asked for me to tell him stories. He let me cry. He let me tell him all the things I missed about Rob. What he did that evening has stuck with me and I think that's the first time I realized how truly good Adam is.

Simple...

Adam has been gone for just over a month. I miss him lots, of course. But truly, this month has been quite good. Skype is a relationship-saver, in my opinion. All that body language goes unsaid over the phone. The way he smiles. What he is wearing. What his house looks like. The way it's almost like we are making eye-contact. It's all important when it's all you have.

I hit a road bump and got all insecure yesterday. I couldn't sleep. I freaked out a bit. I think it's normal in any relationship. The whole "what if" game. I hate that.

Tristan Prettyman sings a song - Simple As It Should Be. It's the title of my blog because it puts me in a good frame of mind. It takes me from that place of insecurity to a place of contentment.



"I don't think that we should ever feel the need to worry. Ever get ourselves in a hurry." And suddenly I can breathe a little deeper and a little slower. I had to remind myself of these things. The song, Steady As We Go by Dave Matthews is another anchor song. It re-routes my perspective, pulling me back to the right frame of mind.



It's not easy having him gone. But it's building a new dimension to our relationship. For that, I'm grateful.

He's the chocolate sauce to my bowl of vanilla.

Happy. Now for the hard part.

Adam's deploying. Real soon. And I've settled into it. It was really hard a few weeks ago. Every now and then I get sad. I've never had to deal with anything like this. But there are lots of great things to look forward to. We get this weekend together. We get our anniversary. We get Thanksgiving. Then nine months of e-mail and Skype and letters and packages. I don't even know how to do any of that. But we will be together. That's comforting. I can't imagine packing up and ending everything now.

Adam is wonderful. He is a thoughtful, conscientious, and wise leader. He is committed and responsible. I am so excited to be his girl. I am blessed.

Conundrum Hot Springs

Adam and I spent this weekend in the Maroon Bells-Snowmass Wilderness. It was a gorgeous day in Aspen. The leaves had changed color and were still bright in the cooling fall air. It was so beautiful that people were out on motorcycles. This was a huge difference from the bitter icy weather in Colorado Springs. We barely made it out of the Springs. Roads were covered in sheets of invisible ice. So we stopped at the Donut Mill to grab breakfast and to let the roads warm up. We then made our way west and escaped the chill of the Front Range. We had planned this trip for a few weeks, so we were relieved to see the weather improve as we headed west.

As we got to the trailhead, we stripped off the thick fleece layers and winter jackets we had been wearing. The walk was gorgeous! Bright mountain sunshine and a rushing stream all along the way. We hiked 8.5 miles up Conundrum Creek to the very remote and beautiful Conundrum Hot Springs. We passed beaver ponds and huge mossy trees. The river had three main crossings with huge logs set six or eight feet above the water. I wore a terrible pair of boots, which Adam made sure I knew was a really bad idea. He was right. I ended up with a big nasty blister.

We walked through thick trees and through meadows. At one point, we made our way over gigantic trees that had been blown over in a recent storm. It was amazing to see these huge, strong trees brought down by wind. It was a little difficult to find the trail at some places because there were so many trees down.

We got up to the campsite around 5:30, just as the sun had set behind the gigantic peaks around us. From the Springs, you can see Conundrum Peak and Castle Peak, both 14ers. And there were another 7 or 8 13,000 foot peaks nearby. We hurried to set up our tent in the freezing air and went to meet other campers who were already in the steamy water of the hot springs. The water was perfect... two to three feet deep in places with pockets of hot water bubbling up from under the ground. Beautiful! The edge of the water touched the rock border and spilled over into the next pool. It was amazing to look out and see the brilliant stars coming out one by one as the light of the sun disappeared. There was a group of six from Denver/Boulder and then a guy from Aspen who had come up by himself. We stayed in as long as we could before we started to get hungry.

The exit was extremely frigid!!! We couldn't dry off fast enough. But we hopped back to the campsite to have a quick dinner and then back to the pool for one more hour before bedtime. All the campers were out. A mom and her grown son, a couple from Steamboat, and the seven we had met before.
There might have been two more, but it was pitch black. This place must be super crowded in the summer. I can't imagine the pool accomodating more than 15. Anyway, what a cool place. It's about a four and a half hour hike. Such a beautiful and authentically Colorado experience.

I think next time, we will be more prepared... It was suggested to us that we bring full-length towels - two, if they fit, a pair of Crocs to wear in the water, my down jacket, blister bandaids, a better pair of hiking boots, a box of delicious wine, and a hot water bottle to throw in the bottom of my sleeping bag.

Adam insisted on bringing only things that would contribute to our survival. I was a little more lenient, but still, the other campers had it made. They also had to carry heavier packs. But I think it's worth it. It was a completely wonderful trip!

Pitter-Pat. What now?

Ok. I admit it. I am excited about Adam. It's taken me a while to completely admit it. But I am pitter-pattery over him. I never thought that he and I would actually work out. But we do. We are different. But we are also similar. I adore him. In my late twenties I have encountered gentlemen who are fairly non-committal. This one included. Sort of. This one is committal in a pseudo-non-committal way. So when you're in a relationship like that, it's fairly difficult to be up-front about the way you feel about somebody. So this is a big step for me.

"I like you. Alot. Like more than I like lightning storms. Like if I had to choose you or sushi, I would choose you. See. I like you alot alot."

I like him enough to take photographic evidence of our relationship. I even like him enough to print them out and start putting them places like my desk at work. Well, not really multiple. Just one. Let's not go overboard. I like him enough to plan surprises for when he goes out of town. Ha! I can't reveal this secret just yet. But I will take photographic evidence of it to post at a later date. I like him enough to be sad when he leaves for deployment. Real real sad. Sad enough to wait for him to come home.

Sounds like I'm in big trouble. Sounds like I got myself a crush. A bad one.

Learning to Love

Only two more days of being 29. And still I fail at lots. It's all part of being human. Regardless of how laid back I am about many things, I am extremely hard on myself. I am learning every day. I am so grateful to have a man in my life who encourages me to grow. To make positive changes. Today we had one of those discussions. Hard discussions that clean up areas in my brain and make it easier to become better. There was a pit in my stomach nearly the entire time but now I can breathe more clearly and maybe walk more lightly.

I am learning to love. Sometimes this means making decisions on what is worth changing in my own life. Sometimes it means discovering how to gently encourage positive growth in him. The big idea of this conversation was the idea that people change. Of course they do, right? The most frightening thing that I've encountered is the idea that I can link my life to someone 'till death do us part and have them or me drastically change. I had no guarantees. None of us do. But the idea of love is that we risk it. And we go forward knowing that we will be with the person we love through every change they endure and we have strength of hope that they will be with us through every change we endure. Time will hopefully bring wisdom which in turn brings change for the better.

Relationships are hard. Who knows if we or you or she or he are making the right decision? Is it worth it? Do I go with my instinct? Do I stop before everything gets too close? Nobody really knows. But I am of the firm conviction that whatever I choose to do, God will bless as I learn to trust Him and turn to Him in all things. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Right?

Our Date

Adam and I had a completely fantastic date last night. You know when you have a superbly amazing day and it colors everything the next day? You carry it around with you and as every moment comes, it tastes a little bit like that amazing day?

Today I feel like I have twinkletoes. Adam is wonderful.

Chocolate Wrapper Advice

I opened a Dove chocolate a few months ago and the wrapper said, "Don't think about it so much." I flattened out the wrapper and taped it up on my bookshelf at work. It's a good reminder. For anything, really. Anything that's taking up a giant amount of my thinking power needs to be set to the back burner and rotated through. You know? There's entirely not enough time in the world to be dwelling on one thought for too long.

I realized I should stop thinking about Adam so much. There's so much else I can be involved in thinking about. It will be good to get back to work. To think about getting my masters and working on my music. It struck me that he's leaving soon. "Leaving" as in "deploying". And "soon" as in "four months". Yesterday he said, "A year from today I will be coming back home." I got all choked up.

What does a girl do when the wonderful man she loves leaves? It's too much to think about right now. I think much of what I feel is related to having lost Rob. I felt cheated out of that. And now I feel cheated out of this. Nine months in a giant stall... unless he gives me the boot. Right? Then there is no stall. It's just over. But I don't want it to be over.

I want him to come back and sweep me up in his arms again. No promises, though. He said that soldiers change during deployment. I wonder what he's really thinking. That he doesn't say. He doesn't say alot. And usually, I think it's for my own good. Or he thinks it's for my own good.

He protects me.

Don't think about it so much, right? What am I supposed to think about... what's for dinner?

For Something Wonderful

I've been seeing him since November now. How did that all transpire?

He's thoughtful. Tender-hearted and giving. It's so funny. That was NOT the first impression I got from him. More like calloused and abrasive. I suppose I didn't give a great first impression either. Whoops. Luckily for me, he hung in there to see what was really inside.

This whole thing makes me a little nervous. Falling in love... I have no idea how you tell. Is it when you want him around to share days with? Is it when you are excited to hear his voice? Is it more like you are willing to work through the tough issues without running for the hills? I don't know at what point that happens. But I do feel like it happens faster when you think he's doing it too. When he's around, I feel extra lovely. And safe.

He's leaving, though. And what of that? Across the ocean for 9 months. I couldn't backpedal now. And gracefully bow my way out. I don't want to. Is it better to love and lose? I think I can say from experience, 'yes'. But can't I just opt out of the 'losing' and just stick with the first part of it all?