Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I Miss Rob

I remember his laugh. He used to have this hooting laugh. Especially when Matt and Richy were around. And Jeff and Clyde.

One summer we laid in the grass in the Crested Butte town park and ate fresh tangerines from the farmer's market. I remember the first Christmas I spent as his wife. We cooked cornish game hens and ate mashed potatoes. We opened gifts under our little tree and spent the day with each other. He was my family.

And then there was the time he left his bivy sack buck naked. He walked slowly across the snow in his bare feet to grab the NutriGrain bar I threw him. He slowly peeled it open and nibble by nibble finished off his breakfast, tiptoed back to his bivy sack, and went back to sleep. All this charade just to prove that I had no business telling him what to do.

When I first met his Grandmother, his mom, and his brother, we played guitar for them. I made the chords and he strummed. He would sing at the top of his lungs. And that used to drive me nuts. But I would listen to it again if I could.

When we lived in Gunny, we kept our icecream on the roof. Our freezer was much too small. And he would have to get up at 2:00 in the morning in bitter negative temperatures to let our car engine run so that it would start when we left for school in the morning. One time he called the police because Mitch and Clyde were stomping around on our roof trying to scare me.

I remember when he was dissecting a mouse next to me while I was eating dinner and some of the brains squirted into my food. And then I let his roommate eat it.

We had a very short married life.

After he got sick, we were hardly married at all. But I remember watching him 'shave' as he rubbed a washcloth over his chin... watching his whiskers fall to the shower floor. Sitting with him as he got whatever treatment was next... platelets, blood, chemo, radiation. Scheming with him to devise our next practical joke to play on the nurses. Learning how to hand-stitch a quilt with him - he would have punched me if I had said I did it myself.

He made the best chili. I was always jealous of how he could open the fridge and make the best meal from hardly anything. He would always make yummy breakfast burritos. And he taught me to make tuna melts. I would love to hear his voice again. He loved Seinfeld and the Simpsons and those terrible movies by Wes Anderson. You know, he stepped his climbing down a few notches so that we could be partners. That makes me sad. I could have gotten better if I had tried. He really loved me. So much.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


So, New Year's Resolutions.... let's think... what sickens me about my own life? About how I conduct my daily goings-on? There's not much, really. But here is something I absolutely hate about myself: my tendency to procrastinate on things like bills. I do this because my life just goes on day to day and suddenly I find that I have not paid bills. I know they sit in my mailbox waiting for me. But I refuse to check the box because then that means I have a responsibility to open them and pay them. I typically have the money to pay them. I just don't do it. It's disgustingly irresponsible. says that resolve means to determine or to come to an earnest decision about. To convert or transform. To deal with or to settle. Musically, it indicates the movement from a state of dissonance into a state of consonance, or agreement. I am sick of this way of functioning. I need to deal with it... to transform it so that all the parts of my life come into agreement.

I know if I continue to let my life whizz by me without really being deliberate about things like paying bills and keeping my car in good condition, I will live in this perpetual state of stress. I can't do that anymore. So, I hereby resolve to change this terrible slacking behavior of mine. I resolve to pay bills on time and to develop a system in order to be productive in the mundane tasks of life that continue to drag me down.

I realize this is going to require me to become a little less laid-back and more anal about getting things done. I can't make excuses. I can't delay or postpone anymore. I've got to just get it done. I wonder how long I can endure.

Monday, December 22, 2008


So, quasi-dating makes sense to me... sometimes. For the first month or so. Right? You go on a few dates... hang out... decide if you want to take the next step or not.

I'm seeing someone now that is super fun. So polite. Funny. Sweet. A VERY good date. The perfect quasi-date. Not really sure if we are couple material. Therefore, not ready to take the next step. We are quite different. But similar in enough ways to keep it interesting. I keep thinking he is going to lose interest and stop calling me, but it hasn't happened yet. Regardless, it's been fun. And it doesn't hurt that he's nice to look at. A fine specimen of man, he is. Ha!!! Sounds like I'm in a meat market. Sorry about that.

I didn't really mean it like that. He is wonderful. Truly. And I'm lucky to have the time I have with him. Just don't call me his girlfriend.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Quasi Dating Enigma

So, it seems to me that the quasi-dating phenomenon is gaining popularity in the mid-twenties to early thirties crowd. Maybe I'm delusional and have a biased perspective. I'm sure there are relationships that occur at this age that are less dysfunctional, but just hear me out.

What qualifies as a quasi-dating relationship? These two spend alot of time with each other. They may or may not be seeing other people. The couple, or a portion of the couple, isn't interested in committing whole-heartedly. This could be due to one member wanting to keep options open. It could be because one or both parties are not ready for the committment. It could be because, frankly, he's just not that into her... or vice versa.

Now, we can't necessarily assume that all quasi-relationships are alike. One could involve the two caring very deeply for each other where, in a different QR, you would be hard-pressed to find any significant interest or attraction between the two. If the couple is at the same spot, this could possibly be a very comfortable place for them to be. But if they differ in perspective, it causes quite a rocky situation.

No one wants to feel half-interested in. No one wants to be nominally cared for or partly adored. These end up being anemic, sluggish, flacid relationships because the parties don't really understand where they stand with each other. One writer suggested that individuals in these relationships end up backing into a dating situation with each other without clarifying their relationship. These are weak reflections of true relationships. There may or may not be a time and place for this type of relationship. Perhaps one member of the couple just wants to give the other person some space or extra patience. But sticking it out in this kind of relationship can cause some significant problems if one refuses to take a close look at motivations. Feelings of resentment or inadequacy can start to take over.

Now, I, myself have never been involved in anything like this. So who am I to judge? Just a simple observation of life as it is today... Ha! I lie. I have extensive knowledge of this very situation. My past blogs should be evidence of that. But today I took another step at analyzing and clarifying. And I am happy. I am ready to rinse my hands of quasi-dating forever. At least until the next super-luscious gentleman steps into my life and makes an offer I can't refuse: hesitant passion, wavering devotion, and lackadaisical affection.

; )

Thursday, December 18, 2008

My New Band

I'm calling it Obesity.

Our t-shirts will say, "Obesity's phat."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

What Kind of a Dance IS That?

I read through these posts. Uggggh. All the way back. And I see where my thoughts have been and where my heart has been. Thirteen days ago I blogged about letting go of Max. And what progress have I made on that front? None. I read his blog, too. Most of what he talks about are the struggles and celebrations he's encountered in his new stage of life. I am part of that. I know I am part of the celebrations he's encountered. And frankly, I'm sure I am part of the struggles, too. He talked about how we complement each other. And how we've got steps to take but that he is glad I'm in his life. I feel exactly the same way. Yet the steps that have been taken in the last few months have been back... forth... forth... back... back... forth... back... forth. We are doing the two-step.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Multiple Personality Disorders in Mi Perro

Now, I'm not intimately aware of the signs of schizophrenia, so I don't know that I'm prepared to diagnose my dog for sure. But it's like he is one person when I am around, one person when I'm gone, and an entirely different person in bed. Now, hear me out. So, when I'm gone, things mysteriously occur. One by one, the things I choose to accent my living room with disappear and all that is left of them is shreds of wood on the living room floor. A Mexican pot... a carved box from India... they have all met their end. It's got to be him, right? But he never really admits to it... naughty.

Then when I am around, he's super happy, playful. He noses me to wrestle him. But he refuses to snuggle me in daylight. Refuses. All he wants is treats, walks, to have his ball thrown, and to play tug-of-war. It's all about him, really.

Now, an entirely different personality appears once night has fallen. He creeps up in bed and snuggles with me just perfectly. When it's cold he tries to nose to get under the blankets. And in the morning he lays his head on my chest. Such a sweet dog.

WHAT THE HECK? Are these all just aspects of one personality? Are they three separate ones? Does he want his cake and to eat it, too? Make up your mind, dog! You think this... you think that... you do this... you do that... WHAT DO YOU WANT?!???

I guess it's ok with me in the end. If it really bothers me, I'll just ignore him.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Ode to the Creepies

I love creepy people. In fact, immediately after an interaction with a creepy person, I think how much I am going to enjoy writing about them later. Hey, creepy guy... You make my life richer and more enjoyable. And you give me perspective on how normal my friends actually are.

So, the guy that bagged my groceries today. Total creeper. He was pretty bold.

Dear Creepy Bagger at King Soopers,

You were attempting to make pretty intense eye contact with me today. But I, wisely, faked like I was watching my purchases ring up on the computer. You immediately sent a sense of gooey ickyness down my spine. You, for some reason, assumed that I was from Minnesota. And I am not. So when you asked me if I was from Minnesota, I said, "... no." I really just wanted you to stop talking to me. Then you asked me if I was making Italian food. Let's see... ricotta, shells, cheese, pasta sauce, sausage... uhhh.... you genius. Stop talking. I can picture you drooling. I'm not even looking at you.

Why is it only the icky guys have the guts to talk to the single girl using the little basket to shop? Hello! I am using a basket because I AM NOT HAVING DINNER WITH ANYONE. I don't need a ton of food. I should probably think twice about shopping at the grocery store centrally located in family-ville. Find me a good tomato or ask me where you can find the lemon juice. I will take you over there and you can ask me out on a date. It will be perfect.

Or you could do like all the hot single guys in the grocery store do... go pick up a six-pack of beer, a loaf of bread, and four pounds of roast beef.