Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A Last Letter

What is it that, at the end of a life, defines it?

Is it milestones of grandeur? Or is it steps of disguised greatness? Is it the thunderous effect of one life on others? Or is it more like a ripple? A few months ago, my own mortality stood boldly in front of my face and it was an awkward moment at first. What do I do with this? Do I shake its hand... do I ignore and walk away? I considered the idea that I had only days left.

One day, no one will remember my name. No one will tell stories that I know. And that's just a simple fact of life. I am alright with not being a person that has revolutionized the world. I did not create the printing press. I have not solved the problems of a nation. But I have cared for the people that God has been generous enough to place in my life. And I believe I have loved them unceasingly. I have given bits of me and chunks of me and all of me into different areas. I hope that something I have said along the way has caused someone to think. To question. To smile. To hope. I have held a hand. I have cried. And really all that is worth remembering is anything I've done for the sake of someone else. Everything done on my behalf passes away. But I feel like the efforts I've poured into the life of another person can continue beyond me and beyond whatever simple action I performed.

Yet it's so easy to have a shallow perspective and to get caught up taking care of myself. In a year, will I even remember any of that? But I WILL remember how I loved. And I will remember the smile on the face of a friend and the gratefulness in the heart of someone else.

I wrote a letter earlier this year. I wrote it in a hurry before leaving on a trip I didn't think I would return from. It was an unusual feeling - one I had never felt before. But as I was writing, I felt rushed and like I didn't quite have the words to explain what I wanted those I love to know. Perhaps I'm ready now. And the essence of it boils down to one idea: I am aboundingly grateful that regardless of the poor choices I've made in my life, that God continues to pour blessing into my life. And the way He does it is through the people that have loved me.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


I was just gone for about 12 days. It's a long time to be away from home! As I was coming back, I realized how much I missed my friends and how much I've been away this summer. I wouldn't say I regret it, but it's time to make a little change, I think. I need to be in town more. I adore Max. I really do. And we always have a wonderful time together. But I can't sacrifice my friendships for the sake of being in the same vicinity as Max.

I woke up this morning and realized... my room is a pigsty, my bill paying is a pigsty, my car is a pigsty, and I haven't fulfilled a few committments I set out to complete this summer. It's not good. And really, because of the hustle-bustle, I feel I am living in a typhoon and my whole life is a pigsty. I've let my connection with my God slide, too and I don't feel ANYTHING stable in my life. Nothing. It's affecting me for sure.

I want to develop a system of being. So my house isn't a torrential mess. So my bills are paid on time. So I can balance time better. So I can retain the stable ground of my faith. So I can pursue friendships.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Stepping Back From The Buffet

Why am I putting myself in this position?

I love a man who doesn't love me. Will he eventually? Maybe. Really, I don't want anyone else. But he is so not ready. He's got things to work out in his own heart and there is no room for me. So watch me tiptoe backwards away from the beautiful buffet table and put some space in between myself and those delicious hors' doerves.

After a while, maybe I'll be invited back to partake or maybe I'll find myself very, very hungry.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Feeling Ungorgeous

I have been a dork all my life. Not a big deal. : ) I don't mind being silly or dirty or unperfect. But sometimes it gets to me. I know there are many wonderful things about me and I don't pretend that I am any less or any more than I am. But, frankly, there are some things that I am not. Most of the time, I am settled and content with that. But this weekend, I felt distinctly unpretty. It really began to color my weekend. I don't know why it was such a big deal. I camped and biked this weekend for about four days. I was smelly and dirty. I really love being able to be smelly and dirty and just to love my day for what it was.

But I spent the weekend with a group and in that group was an absolutely stunning woman. She is gorgeous. And no matter what she wears or how dirty she is, she always looked absolutely beautiful. I think it's fair to admit that this was not the case for me. I didn't look that great. And it was hard for me to not be the glowing wonder in the group. I guess my expectations might have been wacked... I know Max was looking forward to this weekend so much. And so was I. And I guess I wanted to be the beauty and the mountain girl all at once. I wanted Max to think I was beautiful.

Looks like I still have some stupid insecurities to work out. Damn it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My Gramsy

My grandmother is in the hospital. When I went to see her, she looked so fragile and frail. She was super zonked on medication and she was in so much pain. You know what those folks look like in a nursing home... mouths gaping open and foggy eyes. It was really hard. And I felt terrible. Because I had postponed seeing her and Grandad over father's day because Jenn was in town. And she had been wanting to see me so badly. I was glad when I went in to see her that she did recognize me and realize I was there. At first she told me I didn't look anything like Stephanie. : ) I really do. I look alot like me. Grams and Grandad are really like my own parents. They helped raise me and then when Rob got sick, we moved in and lived with them. They love me in a different way than they love the other grandkids. I know that for sure. And it was really hard to see that. I love my Grams and I hope she will be ok.

Another thing, though, is that I really never see the gloom and doom in a situation like that. My automatic response is that she's having a rough go of it, but that she will be great. It's just a matter of time. But my aunt and cousin and a few others just feel like she's a goner. Why is that? Don't we see the same things?