Pitter-Pat. What now?

Ok. I admit it. I am excited about Adam. It's taken me a while to completely admit it. But I am pitter-pattery over him. I never thought that he and I would actually work out. But we do. We are different. But we are also similar. I adore him. In my late twenties I have encountered gentlemen who are fairly non-committal. This one included. Sort of. This one is committal in a pseudo-non-committal way. So when you're in a relationship like that, it's fairly difficult to be up-front about the way you feel about somebody. So this is a big step for me.

"I like you. Alot. Like more than I like lightning storms. Like if I had to choose you or sushi, I would choose you. See. I like you alot alot."

I like him enough to take photographic evidence of our relationship. I even like him enough to print them out and start putting them places like my desk at work. Well, not really multiple. Just one. Let's not go overboard. I like him enough to plan surprises for when he goes out of town. Ha! I can't reveal this secret just yet. But I will take photographic evidence of it to post at a later date. I like him enough to be sad when he leaves for deployment. Real real sad. Sad enough to wait for him to come home.

Sounds like I'm in big trouble. Sounds like I got myself a crush. A bad one.

A Girl Worth Fighting For

You know, every girl wants to be deemed worthy enough to be fought for. Don't you think? And perhaps, every guy wants to find a girl that's worthy enough to be fought for. This week, I got to direct two shows of this year's musical, Mulan. It was amazing. So many wonderful things happened. The kids really pulled together and performed an incredible show.

The show had five ancestors who debated about things like what a girl is 'supposed' to be and how she should think and speak and act. The Emperor sang to the Captain about going out and getting that girl worth fighting for.

And I can't help but draw comparisons. I think this week, I was fought for. And it feels really wonderful. I had no expectations... well, I had wishes, I suppose, but no expectations. And he amazed me. I'm not saying he felt that he had to have me in his life because I'm something perfect. We all know that was far... very, very far from the truth. But he made an attempt to come after me... the entire 'me' package of scars and loveliness and faults and all... and I think I know why. Maybe it's because he knows me. And I think that is such an amazing, beautiful thought. That he knows me. I love that.

And I know him. I'm knowing him better every day. And I adore him... all his wonderful pieces and all his quirks... cracking knuckles and all.

So... about that dating fast... um. Let's save that for another day.

Dear Guy at the Back East Bar

First of all, let's be candid here. No room for second-guessing or supposition. I'm going to tell you exactly what's up so you don't make the same stupid mistakes next time. Ready?

Sending your married female friend to our table to ask if one of us would dance with you? Strike one. Big strike one. You know what that tells us? That you are a chicken. And neither me nor my friends want to dance with or pitterpat with a chicken.

Your married female friend comes back and shows us a picture of you with your shirt off. Now will we dance with you? No. You know why? It doesn't matter how hot you are if you are a big fat wimp. Wimpyness trumps hotness. Strike two.

"Listen, my friend has just gone through a terrible divorce. His self-esteem is low. Will you dance with him?" Do not make excuses for your wussiness. And especially, do not send your guy friend over to make excuses for your wussiness. We do not want to pitydance you. Nor do you want to be pitydanced. Am I right? Strike three.

Had you come over yourself, you might have had a chance after the first strike. But now, you are at strike three. My friends and I are signing our receipts. And you very quickly and pathetically have lost your chance. Not a big deal. Just an opportunity for learning. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Send a little testosterone through your veins and next time you are out, go ask that lovely girl to dance (all by yourself). You can do it. A little self-confidence goes a long, long way.

On a side note, today is day nine of my six months of no dating. I'm quite disinterested in anything else. It's a good place to be.

Commitment

I have to say I've found that in beginning relationships, commitment is rare. For whatever reason, boys shy away from commiting themselves in a relationship because they aren't sure what's around the corner. They'd hate to pull you into their lives just to miss the great thing that they are sure is coming their way. Right? There's nothing like quasi-commitment to make a girl feel semi-wanted. Hey... wake up. I AM that great thing. Self-righteous? No. Self-promoting? No. Confident? Yes. Absolutely. I know girls. And I know I am a catch. So what's the hold up? Catch me.

I might as well swim my self out to sea. Find myself an adventure and in the meantime maybe find someone who is willing to risk the rough waters to find something worth catching. I'll leave the mackerel to you men who won't step off the shore.

Men Love Food

How To Make a Man Happy...

Smile.
Laugh.
Wear skirts.
Be trustworthy.
Make eye contact.
Be emotionally stable.

And above all... make delicious food.

Third Grade Breakup

So here is how it goes. A conversation between me and my sweet student...

"My mom said I'm too young to have a boyfriend. So I have to dump him."

"Yeah. Third grade is pretty young for a serious relationship."

"Yeah. He rubs my back."

"That's bad news."

"I'm gonna dump him. COLE!!!!!! I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING!!!!! It's over. We were never really together to begin with." And she runs away laughing. With her two friends.

He stands there stunned for a moment. Eyes getting a little cloudy. Chance of precipitation increasing. And I step in. "Hey, Cole. What's up? I heard you beat Ben in a race yesterday."

"... Yeah. I did."

"You ok? What'd she say?"

"Nothing."

In runs the chick crew again. "COLE! Aren't you going to chase us?" Pause. Big smiles. And he takes off running after her and her friends just slow enough to give them a head start.

Hmmm... so that's how it's done.

Hopping a Date

So, I am going on the obligation date. Yes, it will be terrible. But there is one thing that will make it totally worth it. Having my friends hop it. Hopping a date means that you magically and 'mysteriously' show up at a date that your friend is on. There are a few techniques you can use when hopping a date.

A) Sit at another table and order your friend drinks. Remain anonymous.
B) Bring a pawn. The pawn's job is to step in on the date in order to cause an awkward, yet interesting circumstance to arise. It's kind of like punking, in a way. Unscripted drama.
C) Friends arrive, and upon finding where you are sitting, act astonished that you are there and ask to join you.

There are various drawbacks and benefits to the different options. And sometimes, even you may be unaware that your date is being hopped by your own friends. But it always results in a wonderful evening as long as your friends' intentions are good. Now, if you have terrible friends, that's another blog altogether....

Why Did I Say That?

So, this guy who is a friend of mine just called and asked if we could catch up over dinner sometime soon. I hastily said yes and we ended our phone call. Immediately after hanging up, I realized that this was a code for, 'Would you please go out on a date with me?'

Here is why I wish I had said no, or perhaps asked him to come out with a bunch of friends. BECAUSE HE IS SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND CREEPY. Is that enough information for you? Or do I need to describe exactly how awkward he is? He is not very technologically savvy, so I doubt he would read this. But if I wrote of the mortifying circumstances he underwent in my presence, it would be terribly embarrassing to him and I would hate to crush his pride. In short, he made an awkward advance towards me and I shut him down.

Now, because I ALREADY shut him down, I assumed that he was done with his attempt to woo me. However, I fear that if I accept his invitation for dinner that he will drone on about all the amazing awards and accolades that make him super human. He will show me pictures of himself climbing difficult routes and he will raise his eyebrows in awe of himself. Not once, but repeatedly. He will touch me and I will cringe. He may even try to lay his haughty and vainglorious lips upon my own. And as aversion courses through my veins, I will loathe the day I ever let the phrase, 'Sure, that sounds great' escape my lips.

Blegggh... Ugh

I wish there was a word. But really, I feel like... guhuuoooffff.

You know when you get sliced by someone you love... maybe it's your issue or maybe it's theirs... and your heart feels like it's about to shatter? That's not how I feel. What about when an acquaintance stings you a bit or maybe it's just a shot to your pride and you get a little tight in the chest? That's also not how I feel. And then there's when someone who you are starting to care more about does something that's more of a burn. Your stomach clenches and you feel like you are going to throw up? That's how I feel.

You know... a relationship right now... I could take it or leave it. Depends on the person. Of course. I don't have to be committed to anyone right now. I don't really feel like it's the time. But there's one thing I will not do. And that's hang around while the person I am dating is dating other people. When I feel like I've given you a full picture of who I am... I'm starting to enjoy you more and more... and you, for whatever reason, are still seeing other people, I don't feel the need to stick around. I don't really want to like you that much. So I will give you two seconds to decide if you really want me around. And after two seconds, I will walk away.

Quasi

So, quasi-dating makes sense to me... sometimes. For the first month or so. Right? You go on a few dates... hang out... decide if you want to take the next step or not.

I'm seeing someone now that is super fun. So polite. Funny. Sweet. A VERY good date. The perfect quasi-date. Not really sure if we are couple material. Therefore, not ready to take the next step. We are quite different. But similar in enough ways to keep it interesting. I keep thinking he is going to lose interest and stop calling me, but it hasn't happened yet. Regardless, it's been fun. And it doesn't hurt that he's nice to look at. A fine specimen of man, he is. Ha!!! Sounds like I'm in a meat market. Sorry about that.

I didn't really mean it like that. He is wonderful. Truly. And I'm lucky to have the time I have with him. Just don't call me his girlfriend.

The Quasi Dating Enigma

So, it seems to me that the quasi-dating phenomenon is gaining popularity in the mid-twenties to early thirties crowd. Maybe I'm delusional and have a biased perspective. I'm sure there are relationships that occur at this age that are less dysfunctional, but just hear me out.

What qualifies as a quasi-dating relationship? These two spend alot of time with each other. They may or may not be seeing other people. The couple, or a portion of the couple, isn't interested in committing whole-heartedly. This could be due to one member wanting to keep options open. It could be because one or both parties are not ready for the committment. It could be because, frankly, he's just not that into her... or vice versa.

Now, we can't necessarily assume that all quasi-relationships are alike. One could involve the two caring very deeply for each other where, in a different QR, you would be hard-pressed to find any significant interest or attraction between the two. If the couple is at the same spot, this could possibly be a very comfortable place for them to be. But if they differ in perspective, it causes quite a rocky situation.

No one wants to feel half-interested in. No one wants to be nominally cared for or partly adored. These end up being anemic, sluggish, flacid relationships because the parties don't really understand where they stand with each other. One writer suggested that individuals in these relationships end up backing into a dating situation with each other without clarifying their relationship. These are weak reflections of true relationships. There may or may not be a time and place for this type of relationship. Perhaps one member of the couple just wants to give the other person some space or extra patience. But sticking it out in this kind of relationship can cause some significant problems if one refuses to take a close look at motivations. Feelings of resentment or inadequacy can start to take over.

Now, I, myself have never been involved in anything like this. So who am I to judge? Just a simple observation of life as it is today... Ha! I lie. I have extensive knowledge of this very situation. My past blogs should be evidence of that. But today I took another step at analyzing and clarifying. And I am happy. I am ready to rinse my hands of quasi-dating forever. At least until the next super-luscious gentleman steps into my life and makes an offer I can't refuse: hesitant passion, wavering devotion, and lackadaisical affection.

; )



http://boardtocertaindeath.blogspot.com/2007/06/pseudo-relationships.html

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=9277647

What Kind of a Dance IS That?

I read through these posts. Uggggh. All the way back. And I see where my thoughts have been and where my heart has been. Thirteen days ago I blogged about letting go of Max. And what progress have I made on that front? None. I read his blog, too. Most of what he talks about are the struggles and celebrations he's encountered in his new stage of life. I am part of that. I know I am part of the celebrations he's encountered. And frankly, I'm sure I am part of the struggles, too. He talked about how we complement each other. And how we've got steps to take but that he is glad I'm in his life. I feel exactly the same way. Yet the steps that have been taken in the last few months have been back... forth... forth... back... back... forth... back... forth. We are doing the two-step.

Pursue?

Sarah said to me today that I should be pursued. And she is right. I dive in to every relationship wholeheartedly. I give lots. I sacrifice lots. And it wasn't until the last few years that I learned how to sacrifice in healthy ways. So what does that mean, really? To be pursued? Maybe it means to not give everything so fully. Maybe it means holding back. I'm not too sure.

I am sure, though, that so many men have been so emasculated by women in their lives that it makes it difficult for them to take that risky step to pursue a woman. So we are left in an environment where men are afraid to pursue and women are either waiting to be pursued or have become accustomed to taking too authoritative of a role in their relationships. Sad story.

How To Tell If The Girl Is Not Interested: Part One

So, you go out on the first date. It seems great. You really like her. It seems like she might be into you, but you aren't too sure. She said yes to the second date... so she must be interested, right? No. Don't kid yourself.

She either truly is interested in you OR she feels pretty uncomfortable saying, 'I am completely disinterested in pursuing a relationship with you.' So, on the second date, she starts to employ a genius plan. This plan allows you, the date, to get a sense that the two of you really don't belong together - releasing her from the obligation to tell you that she's not into you. Here are the tell-tale signs that this is occurring.

Note: the following situations have actually happened.
1. She calls you 'Buddy'.
2. After the first date, she doesn't call or text for a week.
3. She blatantly admits to wearing dirty clothes. Not just dirty clothes, but really, really needs-to-be-washed jeans.
4. She (forcefully) pays for the second date to release herself from feeling obligated to date you.
5. You ask her out for another date and she says, 'no' or gives you the old tight-lipped nod.
6. The conversation turns to how burly she is and naturally, how wimpy you are.
7. She talks about how she's still not over her ex.
8 You mention making out and she says, "Well, I don't know about that..."
9.The ultimate date-diss: she wears high-waisted pants.
10. She gives you her 'other' number - 719. 359. 8077

Obligation Dating

A first date... not the time for a primo restaurant. If I am out on a first date at a nice place, you can expect that I order almost the cheapest thing on the menu. I probably don't order a drink. And I'm sitting there in a beautiful dress thinking... "Wow... this is so fake." Being in this nice restaurant leads me to talk about things that can keep me personally distant... You want to get to know me? Well, not tonight!

Sit me down somewhere that I can eat with chopsticks or at a sports bar and I'm there to enjoy myself. I'll order whatever I want. I'll get a drink... maybe two. I'm wearing clothes that I feel most myself in and I'll probably get into conversations about environmentalism, God's grace, or other things that capture my heart and help me define who I am.

Not only that, but if someone takes me out to a nice restaurant and pays... I feel obligated to give him a second date if he asks. The way I see it, if he's paying big bucks to feed me delicious food, the least I can do is oblige him to a second date regardless of how uninterested I am in him.

Nicer restaurants are for celebrations with the man you love. I feel beautiful and adored. We already know each other so well, that we can be comfortable here. It doesn't matter how much we spend because it is a celebration of our relationship.

Now, if only I could fill up on a great dinner and happily bid him adieu. Would I be more content? Aaaagh.