Saturday, January 3, 2009

Saying Goodbye (Part 32?)

When my friend, Jessica, had her first baby, I was the videographer. And being my first birth experience... other than my own, of course, I had no clue what to expect. So, the video goes something like this... Action sequence. We see mommy-to-be, doctors, daddy-to-be. Daddy is saying, 'push'... no baby. Camera off. Camera on. Action sequence. Daddy is saying 'push'. Mommy is pushing... no baby. Camera off. Camera on. Well-wishing sequence. Friends saying, 'Go, Jess!' and 'Welcome to our lives, baby. We love you.' Camera off. Camera on. Action sequence. More pushing. No baby. Camera off.

I'm sure it made for terrible footage. Note to self: when asking someone to videotape the birth of your child, get someone with experience.

I remember feeling completely unaware. I had no expectations and had little reference to make my way through that situation.

The last time I lost someone, I was five. My grandpa, Robert, lost his battle with cancer... or should I say, lost his battle with radiation. And I've lived twenty-four long years without losing someone I love. Dare I say, I am lucky enough to see it approaching? It approaches now for someone young. Someone I lived many adventures with. Someone who I hurt deeply. Someone whom I love with all my heart. Now, my friend, Robert is close.

I feel somewhat like I did in the delivery room eight years ago. Where I once waited for a birth with anticipation, I now look to a death with a mix of dread and calm. It's been like this for the last eight months. But with every little step the day comes closer. I just don't know what it looks like. I have no reference to make my way through this situation.

Rob is in hospice now. What does that mean? Does that mean it is close? I know he is ready.

I went in today and he was more alert than I had seen him in a long time. I got to feed him his breakfast. He looked at me. I would have done anything to know what he was thinking. I wonder if that were me, would I send my ex-wife away, or would I let her feed me? Would the sight of her disgust me? Or would I just want her to touch my skin? I didn't know. So I just did the best I could. And I tried to make damn sure he knew that I love him before he goes.

This has been a long time coming, I think. And now that it's here, I don't even know what to think or say.

1 comment:

reddirt said...

the first part of this entry reminded me of an episode of Scrubs... it's 3+ minutes into this segment:

; )