Tuesday, June 24, 2008

No One Calls Me Mommy

So... here's a thought. I might live out my days without knowing the feeling of a baby's kick... without hearing first words and seeing first steps. Without holding my own dear one on my chest as we fall asleep together. Without dirty diapers and stretch marks and temper tantrums.

How do I feel about this? I don't even know. Maybe it's not a big deal. Who is it that said every woman has to have a baby of her own? But what do I do if in twenty years I think back to this day and cry knowing what I could have lived? Will I feel empty? Why would I, really? I am nobody's mommy. How can I look into the future and guess what my life will be like? Maybe I will be with something spectacular and I won't miss what I think I will miss. Or if I end up so brokenhearted about it, will I be able to pick myself up and move on?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


I got to see THUNK's first show back in the saddle after three years. I am so stoked for Max. He is taking life by the balls and living it up. He is so outrageously positive that it makes me beam.

Seeing live music is so inspiring. There is so much to learn musically by staying attentive to the action on stage. I love it. Max has been an excellent teacher - pulling me back into music in a powerful way and he's been encouraging me to perform. I can sing all day in front of anyone. But as soon as you put an instrument in my hand, I'm a mess of nerves.

Anyway, I had a great time last night. Drinking and dancing and the whole time having this incredible emotion riding through it all. My pitter-pattering heart was all afire last night. Max is unlike anyone I have known. He is passionate, alive, genuine, dedicated, sincere, enthusiastic, fascinating... that doesn't even scratch the surface. We have this intense affinity for each other that I thoroughly enjoy. It's been that way despite years of silence. He's always been my... 'ahhhhhh.'

Monday, June 16, 2008

Muck of Assumption

Being female. Sometimes it's really beautiful and sometimes it crumples up my mind and makes me crazy. Apparently we are really good at observing human behavior. I guess we are skilled at measuring and identifying emotion. And I do this quite well, according to a scientific brain gender test, found online of course. ; ) Most of the time, I can sense emotion accurately and I can make logical decisions based on what I see. But every now and then... every 27 days, perhaps... I make assumptions on what I see and let myself get all tangled up in confusion and lameness. And all it takes is a little conversation to clear it up.

One of the things I've learned since my divorce is how absolutely vital communication is to a relationship. I believe that's why my marriage failed and I've become committed to never let that issue tangle up my relationships. I've become more up front. More direct. And less sensitive to issues that I used to take personally. I feel pretty good about it. But then there are weekends like this, where I just sit in the muck of my assumption and try to plug on. Uggh. Max pulled me out of it, and for that I was thankful. He is so gentle and passionate about keeping everything open. I love that about him. He is so irritatingly irresistable. ; ) Bastard.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

A Possible Dream

So whenever people refer to a 'dream' they have, it always strikes me funny. I've never really had a 'dream'. Perhaps when I was younger I had a dream. Frankly, it probably had a lot to do with finding a wonderful man to marry. Don't all little girls dream of being the beauty to compliment their knight in shining armor?

I realized this week that in behind all the thoughts I've had of daily goings on, that I have a dream. I didn't know it was a dream for the longest time. It really felt like an option more than a dream. But this week when I thought of it, I felt my heart pound and my spirit rest a little. Determination rose up in me and I knew that I had what it takes to do well. But my dream really isn't going to come easy. What dream does? It's going to take a series of choices to build myself up to a certain level that I would be able to ease into this dream comfortably.

I want to be a musician. Now, I've known music for a while. But I haven't really invested myself in it enough to feel fluent. It's a language and I've muddled with it but I haven't immersed myself in it and forced myself to think in it and converse in it. I want to be able to sing... to play music... it's the joy in my soul. I'm interested in confidence and musical stability. I'm interested in exploration and in falling in love with music. I'm interested in pushing myself musically to see the fruits of my labor. And if my voice should fall upon a heart that opens because of my song, then it will be a good day.

Jake Hates Me

I had a friend a while ago, before Rob and I split up. Frankly, he did some pretty scummy things. And I did some scummy things, too. Now here we are two years later. I know I am a different person. And I assume he is, too. So when we all got together to celebrate Rob's 30th, I figured we could have decent conversation and get over the issues that plagued us two years ago.

Not the case.

I don't quite know why he wouldn't make eye contact with me or why, when I engaged him in conversation, he gave curt answers. But it was what it was. And when I asked him if he was doing it on purpose, he said, 'yes'. Wow. Adults. Adults can't forgive? Adults can't move past issues and realize that people do change for the best? It was shocking. And it reminded me of how he treated me two years ago. He's shown me the most outrageously judgemental form of hate I've ever experienced. This from someone who loves the Lord. Sad.

Maybe a little bit of time and life experience will work it out.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Get A Grip

Dear Crazy Borderline Stalker:

There are some things you should know about yourself. If you go out on 1 1/2 dates with a girl, please do not obsess about her incessantly. Please do not text her and say how desperately you need her. You do not need her. You need to find yourself. You need to love every minute of your own life and seek out ways to love it more. You need to get rid of the idea that a girl will complete your life or make everything happy. Life is about riding through struggles, communicating, and choosing to love when it's not easy to do. What's up with this insecurity, eh? Settle into yourself. Love yourself for all the great things about you and all the little quirky things too and you'll soon find someone else is going to follow your lead.

P.S. I am really glad you don't know where I live.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Minutes of My Life

I was chatting with a good friend today about what's been running through my mind lately. Isn't it interesting how you don't even realize your beliefs or how you function unless you process through it with someone? I was saying things I knew I believed in my core, but that I had never put words to. It was really beautiful.

Although Rob can't dress himself and can't read and can't find the correct words to use, there are things he CAN do. He can sit in the park and listen to music. He can eat delicious food. He can feel touch. He can smile. He can make decisions. He can listen. He can tell me where to drive. One of the only things he has left that I think gives him any sense of power or independence is his ability to pay for things. And it made me feel bad at first to allow him to pay for our outings. But as he said yesterday, "You have the rest of your life to live. I have money..." and as he trailed off, I imagined him finishing by saying "and not much time." It must give him joy since he insists upon it so emphatically.

I feel like I've said these things and thought these things a thousand times over. But here is what amazed me. I started talking about what a joy it was to have our relationship restored to what it is now. And how beautiful it is to take part in someone's life that is slowly dwindling. I wouldn't give up this time for ANYTHING. It is beautiful and powerful to be able to provide someone who is limited with the opportunity to smile and to love their life regardless of their ability. And with these limited days and minutes, the ability to make them precious and meaningful is priceless. I wish I had been able to remember what I had said, but I do remember the meaning and the feeling behind it. It was a feeling of hope and of resolve in the midst of impending death. And I know that despite my mistakes of the past, that my choices today are what I can change. And so I choose faithfulness and dependableness. I choose joy and zest for life. And if I can do that only today, and then again on another today, then soon I will find my life a series of well-spent days and beautiful memories that I am proud to say comprised the minutes of my life.


I got my first one six days ago. And my second this afternoon.

Let's be honest. Tattoos hurt like hell. It is not like being scratched. It is not like bees stinging you. And the sick and twisted person who thinks it's like a tickle is flat out demented. It is like little tiny scalpels slicing across your skin over and over repeatedly in the same place. Granted... sometimes you don't feel it at all. Sometimes you feel it a bit. But then there are the times where it is excruciatingly painful.

In order to stand the pain, I had to relax all the muscles in my body and hum a song. This somehow pulled me out and away from the pain of the tattoo. It focused me. But I can't lie. It hurts like a bitch.

I wonder what my next one will be.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Rolling Around The Park

I walked around America the Beautiful park with Rob tonight. I felt so good. Truly good. I'm pushing the love of my early days in a wheelchair, knowing that his days are short, and my entire body is filled with overflowing joy. What am I so happy about? The feel of the air on my skin... the gentle colors of the setting sun across the clouds... the laughter trickling through the air... the fact that I have another day with someone I care about.

It was truly glorious. And Rob mentioned that it was the most fun he has had in months. We rolled around the park and bumped over choppy ground. We ate trout with capers and delicious garlic beef tips. We sat in chairs on the grass to listen to an old big band. We tried to remember the songs. That's it. But if that's all it takes, I want to give him that feeling again and again. Every day until his days have run out. You know, that's all I ever want to do for anyone. Give them joy and good memories each day again and again until their days run out. I love this.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

My Good Friend

What a joy it is to spend a day with someone you truly love and appreciate. I can't think of a better way to spend a day. Today Max and I headed to grab coffee and then to climbing. My favorite barista was aghast at the espresso technique of course... "30 pounds of pressure!", his mind screams as the person who made my drink (I dare not call him a barista) taps down the grounds. And little do I know, but instead of a beautiful vanilla latte, I received a steaming hot cappucino. No complaints. I don't know enough to be aghast. I'll leave it to my coffee slinger friend.

We started climbing when it was shady and overcast. Really perfect climbing weather. Better that than being roasted in the sunshine. I'm so happy that I'm climbing at the level I am climbing at now. Max leads 10's and I follow. He's my wonderful ropegun. And I his little belay monkey. Wait. That's an insult. I'm no belay monkey. I'm a seasoned climber and don't you forget it. I will lead some. I promise. I love climbing with him. I just get on the rock and breathe in the air and climb. He is so encouraging and he trusts me. I am smiling.

When we came back home, he played music and we sang together a bit. So rich and beautiful. I love it. I really enjoy his presence. He knows me. There is no substitute for that. You know? Someone that knows you. There is a balance with us. A positive exchange. Priceless.