Saturday, November 29, 2008

For Mya

Episodes of American Life: Issue 3

Friday, November 28, 2008


A man working at a Walmart store was trampled this morning. Trampled to death. What kind of force has to be inflicted to kill someone by trampling? And it was all unintentional. We are in such a frenzy to go purchase shit that will sit around our house and collect dust that we are willing to take someone's life from them. We are willing to push and shove as though we are in a fight for our very existence. Unreal.

This morning I was leashing up my dogs to take them for a run and at the same time this poor man was sent to his death - to unlock the door of the Walmart so people could f***ing shop. Really? And this shouldn't be a surprise. It happens every year, right?

I hope everyone who felt their toes tap his body or felt thier feet sink into his torso, his face, his neck remembers this moment every time they enter a store. Every time they see the name Walmart. Every time they see a line stretch around a retail store. Outrageous! People are killed for so many reasons around the globe. Because of hate or revenge. Because they stood up for something in the face of opposition. But not for opening the door to a Walmart. This infuriates me.

Monday, November 24, 2008


Sarah said to me today that I should be pursued. And she is right. I dive in to every relationship wholeheartedly. I give lots. I sacrifice lots. And it wasn't until the last few years that I learned how to sacrifice in healthy ways. So what does that mean, really? To be pursued? Maybe it means to not give everything so fully. Maybe it means holding back. I'm not too sure.

I am sure, though, that so many men have been so emasculated by women in their lives that it makes it difficult for them to take that risky step to pursue a woman. So we are left in an environment where men are afraid to pursue and women are either waiting to be pursued or have become accustomed to taking too authoritative of a role in their relationships. Sad story.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Break In

I thought it was weird a few weeks ago when I came home and found the candle on my table lit. Creepy. Who was in my house? My dogs don't know how to light candles.

So, even stranger when I come home after a night in Denver to find my futon mattress unrolled, my bed linens ruffled, and all hell has broken loose in my bathroom. A picture from my living room displayed as the backdrop to two bucking My Little Ponies and little sticky bees dotting the mirror in the background. What kind of a freak sets up a sordid scene such as this in my bathroom?

I rush downstairs in a panic to find a photo that I do not own displayed among my own photography. And sinking to my knees, I scream, "WHAT HAS HAPPENED?!?!?! What has happened?"

Returning to my bedroom... once a place of solace and comfort... I find my camera. It contains all the evidence I need. Two youth have invaded the privacy of my home and donning my sacred weiner costume, taken seductive photos of themselves in my shower. I feel empty.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Your WHAT?!

"My weiner tickles."

WHAT?! Did I really just hear that? Weiner. Who uses that word? Well, a five-year-old. A five-year-old with a bit of an odd sensation in his nether-region. I was at the grocery store the other day. I saw a package of what I would call hot dogs. They didn't really fit up next together perfectly like a package of Oscar Mayers. They look like they tumbled from above and nestled in next to each other. They were wrapped tightly in plastic. Want to know what the label said? Weiners.

Now, in German, you pronounce the full long vowel sound of the second vowel. So what we would pronounce as wee-ner, they might pronounce as wine-er. Fascinating.

What possessed him to blurt this out in class? Was this a thought that couldn't possibly lay dormant in the boundaries of his own mind? Was it such a powerful realization that it had to escape his mind and make it's way... firing neurons through his brain to let sounds and syllables bubble across his tongue... thrusting this word around as though it were a well-polished trophy? Weiner.

What do parents teach their kids to refer to their nether-parts as? Weiner? Cookie? Foo? Willy? Hoo-ha? The English language.

Thursday, November 6, 2008


Thank God for... revelation. My perspective has been so narrow and so tight. My focus has been skewed. And all it took to boot me back into my own self was a little bit of revelation.

You are right where you need to be.

That's all I needed to hear. I woke up with new vision. New perspective. A new outlook. And my day was glorious. It was golden. I love this. And it really all boils down to me keeping my eyes in the right place and staying connected to my God.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Treading Water

Here I am. Struggling. Feeling like I am treading water. Barely keeping my lips above the water. And it's all in my mind. I have a wonderful job, amazing friends, a nice place to live, and a great family. What is the issue then? Nothing to complain about. So where is my focus? My dear friend said that most of our worries are about the past or the future and if we keep our vision on the present, there is much happiness to be had. It's true. I've never been a worrier. Am I worried? I think I am. But I don't know about what. I think it has to do with the giant amount of responsibility that I have. And I just want to shed it all. I like my house, but I would LOVE to be without it. I like my job, but I would LOVE to not have all those little things weighing on my mind in the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe I should run away. No, seriously. Leave a note on my bed like I did when I was eight. And instead of hiding under the bed to wait to see when they would notice I was gone, I will actually run. Leave this monstrosity of weight behind. What is it that I have been looking at? Because I feel it... my perspective has changed. No longer the beaming outlook. I guess I don't trust that anything good is coming my way. I think I wrote about that earlier. My friend asked, do I need something good to come my way for me to be complete right now? At this moment? I can't possibly rely on anything else to come my way. My focus has been narrowed and I know that as I focus on who God is, everything melts away. Worries. Weight. It all doesn't seem to matter next to the pleasure of knowing who God is. So how have I found myself here? What I need is perhaps to take a glorious week off and to go hide myself where only God can find me. To be separate. And to fix my eyes on him... who is steady. Who is compassionate. Who never fails.