Monday, July 26, 2010

Deep Thoughts from a Bum

I was walking downtown with my dog today. As I passed a man with a scraggly beard and a knit cap...

HIM - "That dog looks better than me."
ME - giggle
HIM - "It's not funny."

The end.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I'm A Real Swimmer

So, you know when you finally get recognized for doing something that up to a certain point you'd never been recognized for before? For example, you've trained to be a teacher for years and you get your first job. People start to take you seriously and at some point, they begin to believe that you know what you are doing.

Some guy at the gym recognized me as... a swimmer. He came over while I was doing laps and asked to share a lane with me. He asked me about my form and I gave him some drills to run and told him about rolling his body to the side to streamline his form. WHAT?!???! Three months ago, I nearly had a heart attack doggie-paddling my way across the pool. And today I just gave someone swimming tips. How does that happen? It feels great... I have to say.

It's the same feeling I got when I began developing confidence on skis. The whole realization that, no, I am not the most terrible skier on the mountain today. Lucky me. It's that contradiction your mind encounters when someone else's reality doesn't quite line up with your own. For my whole life, I have NOT been a swimmer, but for whatever reason, in his reality I AM a swimmer.

It's a good day.

Dear Burger King:

Please do not put creepy pictures of stupid Robert Patterson (or whoever he is - vampire boy) on my cup. He has a gross look on his face and it makes me want to run away. I would prefer pictures of Jude Law or Jake Gyllenhall. Thank you.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Wow. Statue.

Dear Church That Just Erected a Statue:

Here's what I think about you: you wasted a bunch of money. Honestly, I think as long as people have need, a church has no business wasting money on stupid stuff like statues or stained glass windows. It's one thing if it was donated, but if you bought that thing... what a shame. The only thing God cares anything about is our hearts. He would rather have the love of one person than a ridiculous piece of metal.

Maybe somebody created it as an act of worship or to show gratitude. I get that. That makes sense. So, please tell me that's where it came from. Please tell me someone created it out of love and to honor the freedom God has brought to their lives. Please tell me it was donated. Just please don't tell me that you took money from some family to purchase this disturbingly gigantic statue. Unnecessary.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Imaginary Conversations: Part II

You know, when I go to a pool to sit in the sunshine and splash around in the water, I don't want to be around overly-excited children. It is my job to be around children and sometimes I want a no-kid zone of sanity and serenity. So, I went to the pool with Hailee today. This pool was the epitome of adult time: peace. and. quiet.

That was until Mr. Important Pants came. Hailee and I had been sitting for maybe two minutes when he approached us to ask if the seat next to us was taken. Now, let me set the scene. There are probably at least 100 chairs around this pool of which 14 were filled with coconut-smelling soft-tushied human beings.

If he wanted to sit there, I wasn't going to shoo him away. Until I discovered his terribly annoying habit. He sat down and called someone - a short conversation. Meanwhile I am reading RtI From All Sides, by Mary Howard. Good summer reading, I know. I really was attempting to concentrate. He hangs up with the first person and calls a second, this time talking about how he saw his brother on a commercial. He's not just talking in a regular voice: It's irritatingly loud. After a few minutes on that phone call, lucky him... his brother calls.

Guy - "Dude, were you on a commercial recently? I totally just saw you on a commercial. You were golfing and then there was one shot of you with a woman. Awesome, dude."

Me - "Shut up, please."

Guy - "That's so crazy. So when did you shoot that commercial?"

Me - "Please shut up."

Guy - "Yeah. So weird to see my brother on a commercial. Have you been shooting a lot of commercials?"

Me - "It is rude to have loud conversations when you are 1)in a restaurant, 2)in an airplane, 3)sitting next to people trying to relax near a pool. Shut up."

Guy - "You were golfing. And then with a woman."

Me - "I think he knows what he was doing in his commercial, numbskull."

It goes on like this for a while. Then he gets off the phone and immediately turns to me talking about how his brother was on a commercial. He was assuming I had overheard his conversation, WHICH I HAD. How much of that conversation was him really sharing with his brother how excited he was to see the commercial and how much of it was him trying to make sure I heard that his brother was on a commercial?

Me - "OHHHHhhhh, Stranger! You are SO IMPRESSIVE. COME HERE AND LET ME SIT ON YOUR LAP WHILE YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR AMAZING BROTHER WHO WAS GOLFING AND WITH A WOMAN IN A COMMERCIAL!!!! What do you THINK I am going to think after overhearing your obnoxiously LOUD conversation? Do I really care your brother is in a commercial? No. Will I want to start up a conversation with you about it after being obligated to listening to you talk about it for twenty minutes? No. I want you to go jump in a lake. In fact, give me that cell phone (chuck cell phone). Perfect. Go away."