Thursday, February 28, 2008

Why Can’t the Dude Just...

am not interested in turning every male friendship into a relationship! DO YOU HEAR ME PEOPLE??? Friendship between the sexes can't be underestimated. It's so comfortable and nice to be able to call your friend over for dinner and a little TV watching without the pressure that one of you is interested in the other. Freaking A... it's a pattern. Why can't a dude just stick to friendship without pushing the 'maybe we should date' card?

If I'm interested in him, he damn well knows it. And if I'm not, then he's probably trying to persuade himself that my friendly attempts are actually invitation to pursue something bigger. Why can't a dude just be happy with a friendship? Why's it always gotta be about sucking face?

Sunday, February 24, 2008


When I was very little, I wasn't afraid of much. Spiders and snakes were just fine by me. I thrived at heights I only reached by way of a tree trunk. I loved being covered in mud and running around out under the lightning-clad sky. But I remember having a huge and very significant fear that I would lose someone that I loved. I had dreams of myself crying and being completely lost. And I never knew who it was that died. But I knew that someone had left my life.

Years later, I found myself married to a man with a very serious, life-threatening condition. And I faced this fear head on. I turned directly to God and He made me Strength... I was a compass, a pillar, and an anchor. And all was well. Yet, years later, when this relationship hadn't recovered from the wound of sickness, I bailed.

Today, I know that this man's days could be counted. Is it weeks? Is it months that he has here? Yesterday, I watched him walk to his front door. And a lump filled my throat. There wasn't quite enough room for a full breath. He fumbled for his keys. And I choked back tears. It occurred to me that my greatest fear was here - staring me in the face. Months ago, when everything had fallen to pieces, did I consider this? Did I leave because I couldn't bear the pain of him leaving me by way of death? And if so, what kind of a person would leave a dying man by the side of the road like that? Me, I guess.

I don't really know if this was part of the sub-conscious in my decision-making process to divorce. God, I hope not. This thought rips me open... not just a little tear... but rips me open - liver and lungs exposed to the air, intestines spilling out onto the floor. I know that's not who I am. And God doesn't define me like that, even if it did play a part in the decision.

But here it is - Today. And Today is the only time I have to give or to change or to grow. Who knows if Tomorrow will come at all - for me or for the ones I love?

Friday, February 8, 2008

Obligation Dating

A first date... not the time for a primo restaurant. If I am out on a first date at a nice place, you can expect that I order almost the cheapest thing on the menu. I probably don't order a drink. And I'm sitting there in a beautiful dress thinking... "Wow... this is so fake." Being in this nice restaurant leads me to talk about things that can keep me personally distant... You want to get to know me? Well, not tonight!

Sit me down somewhere that I can eat with chopsticks or at a sports bar and I'm there to enjoy myself. I'll order whatever I want. I'll get a drink... maybe two. I'm wearing clothes that I feel most myself in and I'll probably get into conversations about environmentalism, God's grace, or other things that capture my heart and help me define who I am.

Not only that, but if someone takes me out to a nice restaurant and pays... I feel obligated to give him a second date if he asks. The way I see it, if he's paying big bucks to feed me delicious food, the least I can do is oblige him to a second date regardless of how uninterested I am in him.

Nicer restaurants are for celebrations with the man you love. I feel beautiful and adored. We already know each other so well, that we can be comfortable here. It doesn't matter how much we spend because it is a celebration of our relationship.

Now, if only I could fill up on a great dinner and happily bid him adieu. Would I be more content? Aaaagh.