Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Giving Up

Today I hated teaching. Maybe that's exaggerating. I was exasperated. Frustrated. I had enough. Enough of whining. Enough of repeating myself. Enough of having expectations completely disregarded. Enough of coming early. Enough of bossing kids around. I went to school for five years to learn how to teach. And what is it that I really do? I tell kids to sit in their place. I ask them to listen while someone else is talking. I ask them to keep their hands off each other. And I don't just do this a couple times a day. This is my job all day long. The entire day. What kind of teaching or learning is that? None at all. So maybe what I detest isn't teaching.

I played music for a little bit today - an hour. Not near enough. I was booted out of my little music haven by another soul who needed some time to play. And during this time, I realized that it's not about teaching at all. It's about my life. It's about why I get up. Why do I get up? Is it to love people? Some days, yes. I do what I can to be present and to soak up and give out everything I have to nearly 500 kids who need so much. But today I had nothing to give. You know... I just want something good. That's all. And this has got to seem so selfish. I know I have an incredible job at an incredible school with incredible people and incredible kids. I live in an incredible house that I couldn't give two shits about. I own an incredible house that I couldn't give two shits about.

So here's what it comes down to. I am not guaranteed anything good. There is absolutely no assurance that anything good is ever going to come my way. So it's up to me to make what I have as beautiful as I want it to be. But no matter how hard I try, it's never adequate. I have had periods of my life that I have really dug into things that made me happy - climbing, reading, writing, music. And I have repeatedly sacrificed for the people I love. But none of it really matters in the end. All of this, I've done to make my moments happy and to make other people enjoy their sweet minutes. Has it worked? Momentarily. But it's always shattered at some point.

So today I resolve to give up completely. To fail in every area I could possibly fail in. To let go of relationships. To disregard any expectation that has been made of me - in work, in finances. I resolve to fail. I just need to feel it completely. To dig around and feel all the tremendous failure well up inside and spill out and to fully drown in it.

I've never felt this. Not for one second in all my life.

1 comment:

MotoMax said...

I can tell you there is absolute liberation in "Nothing left to lose" there is also great pain. I love you. I hope you find your balance.