Saturday, October 18, 2008

Curious Mr. PigNose

I noticed you today, Mr. PigNose. You were driving the car behind me. The tip of your nose is higher than the septum... I think that's the right word... you know - where your nose connects above your lip. You don't have a big fat piggy nose. You have a slender piggy nose and defined cheekbones. And you totally grossed me out today. You were snacking. You were munching on some sort of snack item. And chewing with your mouth open. And licking your fingers and smacking.

I was so morbidly curious that I kept watching you. And you didn't stop. You were ravenous. You kept reaching in for more. Smacking and licking. My stomach began to turn and still I didn't look away. I fixed my peripheral vision on the car in front of me so I could make a quick getaway as soon as the light turned green. But while the light was red, I was your very own personal captive audience. You disgusted me.

You had a wedding ring, I think. I wonder if your wife notices this about you. Does it disgust her, too? Has she hid her disdain for years? I am curious as to whether she has thought to mention it to you. Or perhaps she's let it boil in her veins for years and perhaps she is considering some counseling. I wonder if your children have slender piggy noses and terrible snacking manners as well. Who is your mother? Didn't she advise you to chew with your mouth shut? Especially considering the shape of your ugly pig nose?

I daydreamed about putting my car into park and running back to your car and throwing open your door and grabbing your snacks and shoving them into my mouth as crumbs fell to the asphalt below and smacking and causing the snacks to become cheesy saliva mush as I laughed uproariously amidst Saturday afternoon traffic.

Green light. Goodbye Mr. PigNose.

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