Sunday, November 2, 2008

Treading Water

Here I am. Struggling. Feeling like I am treading water. Barely keeping my lips above the water. And it's all in my mind. I have a wonderful job, amazing friends, a nice place to live, and a great family. What is the issue then? Nothing to complain about. So where is my focus? My dear friend said that most of our worries are about the past or the future and if we keep our vision on the present, there is much happiness to be had. It's true. I've never been a worrier. Am I worried? I think I am. But I don't know about what. I think it has to do with the giant amount of responsibility that I have. And I just want to shed it all. I like my house, but I would LOVE to be without it. I like my job, but I would LOVE to not have all those little things weighing on my mind in the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe I should run away. No, seriously. Leave a note on my bed like I did when I was eight. And instead of hiding under the bed to wait to see when they would notice I was gone, I will actually run. Leave this monstrosity of weight behind. What is it that I have been looking at? Because I feel it... my perspective has changed. No longer the beaming outlook. I guess I don't trust that anything good is coming my way. I think I wrote about that earlier. My friend asked, do I need something good to come my way for me to be complete right now? At this moment? I can't possibly rely on anything else to come my way. My focus has been narrowed and I know that as I focus on who God is, everything melts away. Worries. Weight. It all doesn't seem to matter next to the pleasure of knowing who God is. So how have I found myself here? What I need is perhaps to take a glorious week off and to go hide myself where only God can find me. To be separate. And to fix my eyes on him... who is steady. Who is compassionate. Who never fails.

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