Sunday, January 13, 2013

Get OUT The Way

Ok. This post is a story about being a pregnant girl who has to pee. And the reason I'm writing about it is because it surprised me since I have a bladder of steel. A teacher's bladder. One that will last the entire day without so much as a suggestion of fullness.

So here it is. Yesterday, I went swimming. I had a 30-minute workout, so I made sure to go before I jumped in the pool. Every six laps, I would stop and drink and by the time I got out, I had to pee BAD. So I went, of course. Then I showered, got dressed, and drove FIVE minutes to the grocery store. And I had to go AGAIN. What the heck? What is wrong here?!?? This is unearthly. Well, I only had a few items to get... berries, sour cream, orange juice... backtrack to produce to get tomatoes... pressure is building... milk, black beans... crap, I forgot the hummus... WHY IS EVERYONE AT THE COMMISSARY TODAY? Can't you see I'm pregnant? Well, I'm three months, so no you can't, but CAN'T YOU SENSE IT? (One might be asking why I did not just use the restroom at the commissary. Well, because I didn't know where it was and I didn't want to ask. It makes perfect sense, really.) GET OUT OF MY WAY!! Deep breathing... clench muscles... it's all in your mind. Control is within your grasp. Ok, check out, pay, walk to the car. Good job. Controlling it all very well. Super job. Might as well stop to get gas, then. Getting out and pumping gas... hearing the gas gushing into the empty tank... oh, dear... NOT SURE I CAN CONTROL IT SO WELL ANYMORE... then I start SNEEZING! REALLY??!??! Could this get any worse? Yes. Do the dance... tap the foot... sway... more deep breathing... sneeze... look for an empty parking spot near the building... pullthepumpout... sneeze... grabthedamnreceipt... parkclosetothebuilding jumpout runinside trytonotlooklikeyouareinarush...there'sthebathroom!!!... openthedoor... shutthedoor... oh, glory. Glory, glory. Sweet relief. It's a good day. A really, really good day.

What can I say? I have excellent bladder control.

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