I was chatting with a good friend today about what's been running through my mind lately. Isn't it interesting how you don't even realize your beliefs or how you function unless you process through it with someone? I was saying things I knew I believed in my core, but that I had never put words to. It was really beautiful.
Although Rob can't dress himself and can't read and can't find the correct words to use, there are things he CAN do. He can sit in the park and listen to music. He can eat delicious food. He can feel touch. He can smile. He can make decisions. He can listen. He can tell me where to drive. One of the only things he has left that I think gives him any sense of power or independence is his ability to pay for things. And it made me feel bad at first to allow him to pay for our outings. But as he said yesterday, "You have the rest of your life to live. I have money..." and as he trailed off, I imagined him finishing by saying "and not much time." It must give him joy since he insists upon it so emphatically.
I feel like I've said these things and thought these things a thousand times over. But here is what amazed me. I started talking about what a joy it was to have our relationship restored to what it is now. And how beautiful it is to take part in someone's life that is slowly dwindling. I wouldn't give up this time for ANYTHING. It is beautiful and powerful to be able to provide someone who is limited with the opportunity to smile and to love their life regardless of their ability. And with these limited days and minutes, the ability to make them precious and meaningful is priceless. I wish I had been able to remember what I had said, but I do remember the meaning and the feeling behind it. It was a feeling of hope and of resolve in the midst of impending death. And I know that despite my mistakes of the past, that my choices today are what I can change. And so I choose faithfulness and dependableness. I choose joy and zest for life. And if I can do that only today, and then again on another today, then soon I will find my life a series of well-spent days and beautiful memories that I am proud to say comprised the minutes of my life.