Why Did I Say That?

So, this guy who is a friend of mine just called and asked if we could catch up over dinner sometime soon. I hastily said yes and we ended our phone call. Immediately after hanging up, I realized that this was a code for, 'Would you please go out on a date with me?'

Here is why I wish I had said no, or perhaps asked him to come out with a bunch of friends. BECAUSE HE IS SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND CREEPY. Is that enough information for you? Or do I need to describe exactly how awkward he is? He is not very technologically savvy, so I doubt he would read this. But if I wrote of the mortifying circumstances he underwent in my presence, it would be terribly embarrassing to him and I would hate to crush his pride. In short, he made an awkward advance towards me and I shut him down.

Now, because I ALREADY shut him down, I assumed that he was done with his attempt to woo me. However, I fear that if I accept his invitation for dinner that he will drone on about all the amazing awards and accolades that make him super human. He will show me pictures of himself climbing difficult routes and he will raise his eyebrows in awe of himself. Not once, but repeatedly. He will touch me and I will cringe. He may even try to lay his haughty and vainglorious lips upon my own. And as aversion courses through my veins, I will loathe the day I ever let the phrase, 'Sure, that sounds great' escape my lips.

Three Significant Events

I asked my friend the other day what the three most significant events of his life were. Heavy question. Not necessarily life-changing events, but life-defining. Perhaps it was a choice you made or something you encountered in your life that clarified your ideas and ways of living. Perhaps it changed everything.

Here are my three:

The failure of my marriage and the restoration of my friendship with my ex-husband. There were so many tiny facets of this situation that created infinite lessons. I overcame shame. I learned the value of communication. I learned independence. I lost friends and slowly built up a new family of friendships. I discovered forgiveness. I lost the treacherous fairytale image of marriage.

Walking with Rob through cancer treatment. I gained perspective and learned to develop priorities. Things that used to seem important no longer were. I learned that when you are in a dire circumstance, you can only do what you can do. There are things that can't be changed and there is no use struggling against them. I learned that humor can get you through the day. I learned how important faith is in my life.

I am having such a hard time agreeing on the third. I am not quite sure what situation was life-defining for me. I suppose choosing to go to Western State was a huge one. I am fairly sure it led to every relationship and every decision I made. Becoming a teacher has been a wonderful journey. Growing up in a deaf family and having responsibility from a young age. Dating Max and Rob F. also taught me about balance, communication, the character of men, the character of women, and about what kind of partner complements me best.

This is a great question. Perhaps one day when I am resigned to be a member of Match.com, I will ask this question of the curious men who fall prey to my profile.

Simple As WHAT Should Be?

I love the title of my blog. It comes from a song by Tristan Prettyman. I haven't heard it in a very long time. As I go back and read about the events that made up 2008 for me, I realize, NOTHING was simple in 2008. What in the hell am I talking about? I like to think of myself as a very low-drama, low-maintenance kind of female. I don't like starting stuff just to start stuff. I don't dislike very many people. I feel like I'm pretty mellow and go-with-the-flow. I like simplicity and authenticity. So why in the world was my life so topsy-turvy?! That is frustrating. Was it my doing? I certainly hope not. But I'm not so sure I want to blame anyone else for my lack of balance. If I really wanted balance and simplicity, I could have cut everything out of my life right away that threatened my parity.

But I just wanted a chance. I think that's why I managed my relationships why I did. Do I regret it? No. My friend, Nicole, said that I went into it with heart and soul. If I had been timid and lived only to protect myself, then I wouldn't really be living, right? Well, one day, maybe? One day that simplicity will all come back around. And for that, I will be grateful.

Blegggh... Ugh

I wish there was a word. But really, I feel like... guhuuoooffff.

You know when you get sliced by someone you love... maybe it's your issue or maybe it's theirs... and your heart feels like it's about to shatter? That's not how I feel. What about when an acquaintance stings you a bit or maybe it's just a shot to your pride and you get a little tight in the chest? That's also not how I feel. And then there's when someone who you are starting to care more about does something that's more of a burn. Your stomach clenches and you feel like you are going to throw up? That's how I feel.

You know... a relationship right now... I could take it or leave it. Depends on the person. Of course. I don't have to be committed to anyone right now. I don't really feel like it's the time. But there's one thing I will not do. And that's hang around while the person I am dating is dating other people. When I feel like I've given you a full picture of who I am... I'm starting to enjoy you more and more... and you, for whatever reason, are still seeing other people, I don't feel the need to stick around. I don't really want to like you that much. So I will give you two seconds to decide if you really want me around. And after two seconds, I will walk away.

Finding Songs

I was asked to make a list of Rob's favorite songs. Even after two years of being apart, I still remember. Led Zeppelin - Tangerine. Ben Harper - Gold to Me. Simon and Garfunkel - Homeward Bound. And now songs mean a little bit more, right? Every line has unsung meaning hidden in the space between one note and the next. 'Home... where my love lies waiting silently for me. Like emptiness and harmony, I need someone to comfort me. Homeward bound.' How the hell am I going to make it through that?

Even the sound of Simon and Garfunkel feels like Rob.

There was a song he used to love. Sweet River Roll by WaterDeep. "Henry... he's got a tumor in his head. He wakes up sweating every morning after dreaming he was dead. He used to think that life was boring but now that's not the case. He turns to his wife in the evening and says, 'Honey, I'm afraid I'm going to lose this race.' Sweet River Roll, roll over me. Sweet River Roll, all over me." We thought he had beat it.

What is it about music that grabs us? That sends us head over heels? Or ass over teacup, like Rob used to say.

No Chance

When I roll the dice, I've got a one in 36 chance of rolling doubles, right? Maybe it's a two in 36 chance. I did not take statistics.

Rob and I never had a chance for a family or the kind of life that you look forward to on your wedding day. Even if we had worked everything out and pulled everything together, there still was no chance for any of that. I still would have lost him. It makes me angry. You look at our wedding photos and everything seems so possible. It was a huge lie. And in the meantime, our dear friends are getting married and making decisions and living life together. They encounter problems and struggle through the muck together and they thrive in the huge joys of life together.

It's almost as though I started a race with my knees bound together. Although this makes me angry... I should probably rephrase my ideas. Rob and I together never had a chance. And Rob now has no chance for any of that. I have days left of my life... weeks and years perhaps. And maybe one of those days will bring me a chance for all this. But Rob never had that.

Saying Goodbye (Part 32?)

When my friend, Jessica, had her first baby, I was the videographer. And being my first birth experience... other than my own, of course, I had no clue what to expect. So, the video goes something like this... Action sequence. We see mommy-to-be, doctors, daddy-to-be. Daddy is saying, 'push'... no baby. Camera off. Camera on. Action sequence. Daddy is saying 'push'. Mommy is pushing... no baby. Camera off. Camera on. Well-wishing sequence. Friends saying, 'Go, Jess!' and 'Welcome to our lives, baby. We love you.' Camera off. Camera on. Action sequence. More pushing. No baby. Camera off.

I'm sure it made for terrible footage. Note to self: when asking someone to videotape the birth of your child, get someone with experience.

I remember feeling completely unaware. I had no expectations and had little reference to make my way through that situation.

The last time I lost someone, I was five. My grandpa, Robert, lost his battle with cancer... or should I say, lost his battle with radiation. And I've lived twenty-four long years without losing someone I love. Dare I say, I am lucky enough to see it approaching? It approaches now for someone young. Someone I lived many adventures with. Someone who I hurt deeply. Someone whom I love with all my heart. Now, my friend, Robert is close.

I feel somewhat like I did in the delivery room eight years ago. Where I once waited for a birth with anticipation, I now look to a death with a mix of dread and calm. It's been like this for the last eight months. But with every little step the day comes closer. I just don't know what it looks like. I have no reference to make my way through this situation.

Rob is in hospice now. What does that mean? Does that mean it is close? I know he is ready.

I went in today and he was more alert than I had seen him in a long time. I got to feed him his breakfast. He looked at me. I would have done anything to know what he was thinking. I wonder if that were me, would I send my ex-wife away, or would I let her feed me? Would the sight of her disgust me? Or would I just want her to touch my skin? I didn't know. So I just did the best I could. And I tried to make damn sure he knew that I love him before he goes.

This has been a long time coming, I think. And now that it's here, I don't even know what to think or say.