Pigsty

I was just gone for about 12 days. It's a long time to be away from home! As I was coming back, I realized how much I missed my friends and how much I've been away this summer. I wouldn't say I regret it, but it's time to make a little change, I think. I need to be in town more. I adore Max. I really do. And we always have a wonderful time together. But I can't sacrifice my friendships for the sake of being in the same vicinity as Max.

I woke up this morning and realized... my room is a pigsty, my bill paying is a pigsty, my car is a pigsty, and I haven't fulfilled a few committments I set out to complete this summer. It's not good. And really, because of the hustle-bustle, I feel I am living in a typhoon and my whole life is a pigsty. I've let my connection with my God slide, too and I don't feel ANYTHING stable in my life. Nothing. It's affecting me for sure.

I want to develop a system of being. So my house isn't a torrential mess. So my bills are paid on time. So I can balance time better. So I can retain the stable ground of my faith. So I can pursue friendships.

Stepping Back From The Buffet

Why am I putting myself in this position?

I love a man who doesn't love me. Will he eventually? Maybe. Really, I don't want anyone else. But he is so not ready. He's got things to work out in his own heart and there is no room for me. So watch me tiptoe backwards away from the beautiful buffet table and put some space in between myself and those delicious hors' doerves.

After a while, maybe I'll be invited back to partake or maybe I'll find myself very, very hungry.

Feeling Ungorgeous

I have been a dork all my life. Not a big deal. : ) I don't mind being silly or dirty or unperfect. But sometimes it gets to me. I know there are many wonderful things about me and I don't pretend that I am any less or any more than I am. But, frankly, there are some things that I am not. Most of the time, I am settled and content with that. But this weekend, I felt distinctly unpretty. It really began to color my weekend. I don't know why it was such a big deal. I camped and biked this weekend for about four days. I was smelly and dirty. I really love being able to be smelly and dirty and just to love my day for what it was.

But I spent the weekend with a group and in that group was an absolutely stunning woman. She is gorgeous. And no matter what she wears or how dirty she is, she always looked absolutely beautiful. I think it's fair to admit that this was not the case for me. I didn't look that great. And it was hard for me to not be the glowing wonder in the group. I guess my expectations might have been wacked... I know Max was looking forward to this weekend so much. And so was I. And I guess I wanted to be the beauty and the mountain girl all at once. I wanted Max to think I was beautiful.

Looks like I still have some stupid insecurities to work out. Damn it.

My Gramsy

My grandmother is in the hospital. When I went to see her, she looked so fragile and frail. She was super zonked on medication and she was in so much pain. You know what those folks look like in a nursing home... mouths gaping open and foggy eyes. It was really hard. And I felt terrible. Because I had postponed seeing her and Grandad over father's day because Jenn was in town. And she had been wanting to see me so badly. I was glad when I went in to see her that she did recognize me and realize I was there. At first she told me I didn't look anything like Stephanie. : ) I really do. I look alot like me. Grams and Grandad are really like my own parents. They helped raise me and then when Rob got sick, we moved in and lived with them. They love me in a different way than they love the other grandkids. I know that for sure. And it was really hard to see that. I love my Grams and I hope she will be ok.

Another thing, though, is that I really never see the gloom and doom in a situation like that. My automatic response is that she's having a rough go of it, but that she will be great. It's just a matter of time. But my aunt and cousin and a few others just feel like she's a goner. Why is that? Don't we see the same things?

No One Calls Me Mommy

So... here's a thought. I might live out my days without knowing the feeling of a baby's kick... without hearing first words and seeing first steps. Without holding my own dear one on my chest as we fall asleep together. Without dirty diapers and stretch marks and temper tantrums.

How do I feel about this? I don't even know. Maybe it's not a big deal. Who is it that said every woman has to have a baby of her own? But what do I do if in twenty years I think back to this day and cry knowing what I could have lived? Will I feel empty? Why would I, really? I am nobody's mommy. How can I look into the future and guess what my life will be like? Maybe I will be with something spectacular and I won't miss what I think I will miss. Or if I end up so brokenhearted about it, will I be able to pick myself up and move on?

THUNKed

I got to see THUNK's first show back in the saddle after three years. I am so stoked for Max. He is taking life by the balls and living it up. He is so outrageously positive that it makes me beam.

Seeing live music is so inspiring. There is so much to learn musically by staying attentive to the action on stage. I love it. Max has been an excellent teacher - pulling me back into music in a powerful way and he's been encouraging me to perform. I can sing all day in front of anyone. But as soon as you put an instrument in my hand, I'm a mess of nerves.

Anyway, I had a great time last night. Drinking and dancing and the whole time having this incredible emotion riding through it all. My pitter-pattering heart was all afire last night. Max is unlike anyone I have known. He is passionate, alive, genuine, dedicated, sincere, enthusiastic, fascinating... that doesn't even scratch the surface. We have this intense affinity for each other that I thoroughly enjoy. It's been that way despite years of silence. He's always been my... 'ahhhhhh.'

Muck of Assumption

Being female. Sometimes it's really beautiful and sometimes it crumples up my mind and makes me crazy. Apparently we are really good at observing human behavior. I guess we are skilled at measuring and identifying emotion. And I do this quite well, according to a scientific brain gender test, found online of course. ; ) Most of the time, I can sense emotion accurately and I can make logical decisions based on what I see. But every now and then... every 27 days, perhaps... I make assumptions on what I see and let myself get all tangled up in confusion and lameness. And all it takes is a little conversation to clear it up.

One of the things I've learned since my divorce is how absolutely vital communication is to a relationship. I believe that's why my marriage failed and I've become committed to never let that issue tangle up my relationships. I've become more up front. More direct. And less sensitive to issues that I used to take personally. I feel pretty good about it. But then there are weekends like this, where I just sit in the muck of my assumption and try to plug on. Uggh. Max pulled me out of it, and for that I was thankful. He is so gentle and passionate about keeping everything open. I love that about him. He is so irritatingly irresistable. ; ) Bastard.