Monday, July 27, 2009

A Quiet Cannonade

I am sitting here listening to thunder rolling around in the clouds above me. It's different than usual. There is no sharp crack. Just a rumbling and rolling. Sometimes far off, if it is quiet enough, I can hear a quiet boom. It's getting closer. I can tell that much. The wind is swirling around in the leaves nearby and it's getting to a point that something has to happen. The clouds are going to have to release their rain soon.

I feel the same way today. I feel that rumbling and rolling. Maybe it will be a soft rain and maybe it will be a torrent. I think it's a pattern with me. Every now and then... I've written about it before... I just want to run away. Leave every single thing. I get taken over with a certain degree of hopelessness and want-to-give-up-ness. There is a steady rumble that for whatever reason isn't resolved.

I feel like it comes down to where I am at. This restlessness. I don't know why, really. Sometimes I just feel this way and I may or may not have any sort of reason for it.

There may have been some events that started this rumbling. Or maybe it would have started regardless. But I've been thinking about what it takes for a lady to be valued in a relationship. This unfortunately generalizes all ladies together. I don't mean to do that, but it makes me feel better about it as I write. It is really important for a lady to feel like she is valued. For some it's about being beautiful for their love. For some it's about intelligence. Maybe it's about her athleticism or her ability to be an excellent mother or wife. For me, I don't know what it really comes down to other than this: I want him to be proud that I am the girl on his arm.

I'm not particular about being claimed as a girlfriend or about marking him as off-limits. That can seem a little silly. All I want is to know that he recognizes my value and that he's not ill at ease to share that. For some reason, it seems that an arm around his lady or some other simple physical closeness demonstrates that to me. It's not about a public display of affection. It's about demonstrating that I am with you and you are with me, not grudingly, but that we are delighted to be together.

Without that, I am left feeling like dinner scraps... shuffled around on the plate until someone eventually decides to discard them.

This all makes me think about expectations. I have such a huge conciousness of logical expectations. I make a significant effort to take it easy and to not get tied up into developing a set of ridiculous hoops for someone to jump through. It's just not worth it. I wonder if this is an illogical expectation. I don't know.

Well, the rumbling above has moved along. The sun is coming out again and a rainbow sits across the sky. That's encouraging. A sign of hope perhaps.

1 comment:

lisa said...

I get the feeling of restelesness as well... I generally call it unsettled. I just feel unsettled. I think sometimes that it comes from having experienced great loss. You feel like you are looking for something all the time. Keys. Purse. Kids. oh ya, hmmm not gonna be able to find him. He is gone. Then I just have to scrape myself up and find something settling to do. Love you girl.