Prelude In D Flat

We've all got 'our' songs - the ones that resonate with us. The ones that remind us of who we are or perhaps what we want or where we've been. The ones that remind us of someone we knew or of a place we stood. I've certainly made my collection of songs - some joyful, some heart-wrenching, some laughable. But all of them explain me.

I sat down at the piano today and began to play one of my favorite pieces - Prelude in D flat by Chopin. His music is some of the most passionate, emotive music there is. And as I played I realized that this song explains me better than anything. The beginning is a gentle, soothing treble melody. It speaks of an incredible love. And beneath the melody there is a constant pulse that drives the melody forward. And when I play this, beautiful scenes cross through my mind. I remember sunrises and promises, smiles and devotion. The melody is complemented by beautiful rising chromatic passages and gentle chord modulations below.

And then comes the second section - minor and ominous and building and still with the constant pulse that drives the bass melody forward. It builds and builds and then comes four bars of fortissimo... strong octaves that move in fifths in the lowest registers of the piano. And suddenly it recedes back to piano. And all I can think of is compromises and tears, mistakes and wounds.

And then comes my favorite section, where my hands seem to take over the whole piano. Consonance and dissonance placed carefully together as the chords morph from one sound into the next. In my mind, I see an unfinished story and I think about chances and possibilities. The last time I played this piece, I had to stop at the end of this section. And I had a few tears (pseudo-non-emotional me... crying). Because I didn't feel like I could play the last section. It returns to the beautiful treble melody - the one that speaks of love. But as I sat down to play today, I played through the whole thing. And it was beautifully complete.

I've only played this piece for a few people. And it's those people who know me best. I don't think they realize as I've played it that I was sharing a huge piece of myself.

Of course, on another day, I might share with you a huge list of other songs...
Green Eyes - Coldplay,
Steady As We Go - Dave Matthews Band,
Tidal Wave - David Gray,
Breakin' Up - G. Love,
See The World - Gomez,
Bubble Toes - Jack Johnson,
Photograph - Jamie Cullum,
The Heart of Life - John Mayer,
Dreaming with a Broken Heart - John Mayer,
Faint - Linkin Park,
I Hear the Bells - Mike Doughty,
Forever My Friend - Ray LaMontagne,
Crystal Village - Pete Yorn,
Simplify - Ryan Shupe...

And if you've actually gotten this far in this endless blog, I'd love to know what your songs are...

How to Love Life?

So I've made a few decisions. I've decided that I won't be held down to time restraints unless it's an issue of my respect for someone else. I've decided that even though it's great to go places with friends, that if friends can't go, I will go alone. I've decided to learn and to keep on learning.
Why all this? I think I was losing my love for life. This summer has been such a refreshing breeze to me. It's been very, very sad too, of course. But I can't really go on with my life being a wreck of a person. And I can't go to sleep anymore knowing that my day was misspent. So I don't go to sleep until I've enjoyed a portion of my day.

And because of this, I witnessed a magnificent summer lightning storm just as the sun painted the sky in purple and orange. I rode a Harley. I learned how to samba. I sat by a mountain stream with my dog and let the water run through my fingers. I learned to make a mojito. I let myself take time looking at the beauty of a brillant purple thistle. I sipped on a Creamsicle martini. I let myself think. I listened... really listened to a local musician. I doused a plate of pulled pork with spicy barbeque sauce. I sat in the park and got to know some friends. I spoke Spanish. I let myself breathe a little bit.

Ice Cream in the Beer Garden

So, I just attended this motorcycle fest in downtown Colorado Springs this weekend. Motorcycles aren't really my thing. By that I mean that I do not swoon over them. I do not dream of them and I do not manufacture fantasies based around them. However, I do enjoy riding them. When you hit like 85 and you have to suck in your cheeks so they don't flap around you know it's a good time. The wind always blows the water out of my eyes even with a giganto pair of sunglasses. But I love being able to see every cloud, every mountain peak and I love hearing the rumble of the motor.

So I headed down to this grand event. There was an old guy band there. You know the type. All these guys in their early fifties with too-long hair, too-tight jeans, and a pair of rockin' 80's sunglasses. The sight wasn't so hot, but the music was great. They did all the beloved biker tunes... I guess I wouldn't really know what a biker tune is, but I assume it's things like Born to Be Wild and Livin' In America. It was ridiculously hot, so I grabbed an ice cream cone and stood watching the band. Little did I know, I was standing in the infamous BEER GARDEN - a fenced-off portion of downtown Springs where it was legal to purchase and drink beer outside. I stood for a while enjoying the day when I was approached by two gentlemen. "Well, I'd have to say that's the first ice cream cone I've seen in the Beer Garden." I looked around. Yep. I was the only one within sight that was not holding a trendy plastic cup of Coors. "True," I said, "So are you making fun of me?" "Absolutely," they replied.

I guess it must have looked pretty weird. But what we need in America is a little bit of icecream tolerance. Why must we be so disgusted with a little twist cone? You got your vanilla and your chocolate. There is no better combination. And yet, the world just isn't ready for it. It breaks my heart to think about what would have happened if I had been consuming Rocky Road.

I won't even mention Butter Pecan.

Ahhhh... Mr. Mayer

so, i would have to say without a doubt that i am an idiot for not going to more concerts. how embarrassing is this - i am a music teacher and the last concert i was at was amy grant, house of love tour in 1996. lame.

i sat like twenty rows back for john mayer this weekend and it was for sure one of the highlights of my year. i got there and everything was nice. people were milling about finding seats and bitching at the ushers. lovers were laying out their blankets and cracking open thier picnics. the vendors were trying to make sure their money didn't blow away in the wind and i was flirting with the margarita man. and then John got onstage and perhaps it was the ambience or perhaps it was the delicious quart of margarita in my belly but i felt like i was a twelve-year-old with a crush on Corey Haim or something. i was so excited to see him up there and to watch his band. it was almost surreal.

i know that sounds lame. he's just a man-person just like every other man-person i know. but this beautiful man-person was singing me into this weird place between reality and a dream and it was flippin' cool. Stop This Train... In Repair... oh, not to mention The Heart of Life. such a beautiful picture of real life - not all-shined-up-and-ready-to-impress life, but real-in-the-gutters and just-trying-to-make-each-day-beautiful life.

and when i read all his rants on zombies and cool inventions like a clip to hold a fajita together, i know that he and i would laugh non-stop. so john mayer, you should think about calling me and we can fill our bellies with chili dogs and then try not to puke at Elitches. it would really be a good time.

Take Me Away

I am completely addicted to other places. I don't know what it is but I fall in love with the cuisine, the music, the people, the hustlebustle or the laid back atmosphere. I had always thought I was much too scared to leave my home and to just take off and start up a new life in a new place all alone. I sat in a little open-air restaurant consuming the most delicious fish tacos and drinking jamaica and it struck me that I could do it.

Of course, it would be nice to go with someone. But if it came down to it and I had to go alone, I would pack a couple bags of clothes, box up my bike and my guitar, and I'd make sure my dog had someone to look after him while I was gone. And I would just go. Scary at first, I think... but I could do it.

So my plan is to spend this year learning Spanish. Maybe get my Masters underway. I'll try a teacher exchange program somewhere in coastal Mexico or maybe New Zealand. And then I'll go get lost somewhere marvelous.

Lightning

I first fell in love with storms while I was flying in an airplane. We were flying above the clouds and just a little way off in the distance, I watched a storm. I never saw the lightning bolts, but the way the light illuminated the clouds was breathtaking. And even now, I can't take my eyes away from a good storm. There is something about the awesome power... the incredible noise and the stunning vision. I love the not-knowing, too. The air is on edge but you have no idea where it is going to strike. It is the most poetic and beautiful picture I think I've ever seen. I could sit outside for hours in the rain, just watching the storm surround me.

Losing Out

Today I lost my best friend. Not in the way that many people have lost their best friend... but I'm not sure it was any easier.

I remember when I first fell in love with my husband. He and I were relaxing one day. And he spent a long while looking at my armpits. He traced his finger across my skin and just looked for a while. I know. Sounds kind of nasty. But I realized then that if he loved the nastiest part of me, then he was a keeper. We had a wonderful relationship. My best friend. My partner in crime. My confidant. And it is a beautiful thing to be so comfortable with someone.

And now I look at where this beautiful thing has gone. I realize I created most of the damage. I can't begin to express my sorrow over this. I lost the most valuable thing in this world. So today, my heart is heavy. And I suppose I'm terrified knowing that I may have lost the last chance I had at being truly loved. Maybe I will never be comfortable with anyone again. I suppose that's the price I paid for not taking care of what I had to begin with.

A new day begins tomorrow...