Tuesday, December 12, 2006

A Guide For Making People Feel Sorry

Dear People of the World:

Whenever you come across somebody in your life who has not done the right thing, the best thing you can remember is that you are better than them. If you can really get this ingrained in your mind, the behavior that will follow will not only show them the error of their ways, but it will also serve to give you a good laugh!

The best way to execute this type of a plan is when a friend (or previous friend) has made a giant mistake. Do the best you can to avoid eye-contact entirely. After all, you should expect perfection from everyone you come across - most especially your friends. One technique that gives me a good laugh is when I walk by them, I try to let a little silent-but-deadly and move along on my way. If there is no air flow in the room and it is packed with people - even better. Try to plan this ahead of time so you can plant a co-conspirator in the room. It will be convincing if someone else places the blame. It's all about being strategic.

Try to demean everything they do - don't forget the strategies that we all used back in early adolescence such as eye-rolling, gasping, and calling people names. These are invaluable tools. And if you can get away with it, you might as well hock a loogie on them. They will really be sorry then.

Don't forget! It is important to never listen to what the person says - most especially an apology. This is just an insincere tactic to divert your attention to less pressing matters. If you have the advantage of being able to force them into doing something - take full advantage. This power trip will last you a lifetime! It is worth it.

If you can remember these simple tools, you'll make yourself feel fantastic and you'll also make a positive difference in their lives as well. Happy hunting!

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