Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I used to be very self-righteous. It marked every moment of my life. I would be ever conscious of how I was perceived. I was stuck in that pattern of thinking. Locked. And at another time in my life I used to have terrible fears that sent me into a panic every day. I couldn't shake these no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't change my thoughts. They were there always. They defined every moment and demanded my attention. There was no escape.

But now I find myself free from all of that. I was literally a prisoner to my own way of thinking. It was terrible. Being finally out of it has been the most liberating experience. I credit the entire thing to God knowing me and taking it from me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't free myself. I couldn't will myself to stop this pattern of thinking. But I was rescued. For no reason other than the fact that I am loved. That's beautiful.

Now, though, I find myself functioning in an unhealthy way - procrastinating when I should be pursuing. And sitting back on my haunches. I delay. And none of it makes any sense. I delay because the stress of having to take care of it is too much for me. But then because I delay, I cause more problems for myself. It's all a way of thinking.

Why do I constantly find myself here? It's a cycle of developing harmful thoughts and then having to be released from them.

My Official Goal: By my birthday in August, I will be debt-free and I will have developed a pattern of thought marked by self-discipline that allows me to function in a more healthy way, financially.


Klishinator said...

This makes sense to me. I understand it more than I wish I did.

eLiZaBeTh said...

This is good. I definitely understand it more than I wish I did!