Monday, May 4, 2009

Missing Rob

I want to write. Have you ever felt like there was so much that you needed to process through? I feel that today and so I have sat down to write and I'm not quite sure what needs to be said.

I sat at breakfast this weekend with my lovely friend, Lisa. I have felt for a long time like we are two little peas in our pod. I'm not sure it's a perfect pod. No, it's not. Our little pod has been marked with big, big sadness and lots of joy, too. But we seem to have the same sort of something that is carrying us through. I feel like both she and I are able to take things as they come and to laugh them along. Whatever it is - good or bad.

She posted this video the other day that nearly wrecked me - Dave Matthews singing Grace is Gone. I know Rob and I were not married when he died. But for the life of me, I can't separate it all. He is still the only husband I ever knew. I really thought that I had patched my little self together and been okay knowing that he is gone. But it comes back in waves. I miss him so terribly much. I want to talk with him. Last summer we spent such wonderful time together... having dinners and listening to music in the park. I want him back. Here. On earth. And I'm so upset that God didn't fix it all. He could have.

So what was the point in all of that, really? To love and lose? Great. I'm not one to ask why... but for some reason, I can't get past the fact that I don't understand it. I never said I had to understand. But maybe one day years down the road when I have the family that I don't have now and when I've lived days and seen things I haven't lived or seen yet, maybe I'll understand. Right now I know it was a sad, sad loss for this world to endure.

So, his picture is up in my house. His bracelet is around my wrist. But how can you be near to someone who has left? I will never forget him.

1 comment:

Miss Ash said...

There is no simple answer.
Just know that this is all part of the process.

And contrast.
It's what makes the beautiful things give you joy. It's what makes the awesome things pick you up and catapult you across the universe.

I love you. I love your heart. You are beautiful.