Fear

When I was very little, I wasn't afraid of much. Spiders and snakes were just fine by me. I thrived at heights I only reached by way of a tree trunk. I loved being covered in mud and running around out under the lightning-clad sky. But I remember having a huge and very significant fear that I would lose someone that I loved. I had dreams of myself crying and being completely lost. And I never knew who it was that died. But I knew that someone had left my life.

Years later, I found myself married to a man with a very serious, life-threatening condition. And I faced this fear head on. I turned directly to God and He made me Strength... I was a compass, a pillar, and an anchor. And all was well. Yet, years later, when this relationship hadn't recovered from the wound of sickness, I bailed.

Today, I know that this man's days could be counted. Is it weeks? Is it months that he has here? Yesterday, I watched him walk to his front door. And a lump filled my throat. There wasn't quite enough room for a full breath. He fumbled for his keys. And I choked back tears. It occurred to me that my greatest fear was here - staring me in the face. Months ago, when everything had fallen to pieces, did I consider this? Did I leave because I couldn't bear the pain of him leaving me by way of death? And if so, what kind of a person would leave a dying man by the side of the road like that? Me, I guess.

I don't really know if this was part of the sub-conscious in my decision-making process to divorce. God, I hope not. This thought rips me open... not just a little tear... but rips me open - liver and lungs exposed to the air, intestines spilling out onto the floor. I know that's not who I am. And God doesn't define me like that, even if it did play a part in the decision.

But here it is - Today. And Today is the only time I have to give or to change or to grow. Who knows if Tomorrow will come at all - for me or for the ones I love?