Gross and Stupid David Caruso

Dear David Caruso,

I watched your show today. I don't even know the name of it. I got home late and fixed a super fast dinner and just sat down to chill for a minute, so I figured, 'What's the harm of watching this show. I know... I really hate you, David Caruso. But it's only a minute or two.' A few years ago when I was addicted to television, I used to watch your show all the time. And when I did, I remembered thinking, 'Wow. David Caruso really sucks as an actor. Either that, or his characters are all written real shitty. Either that or the writers are COMPELLED to write really shitty characters for him because he can't do anything but crappy suck acting.'

So, anyway... benefit of the doubt... I watch your show. You were in a holding room with someone you had arrested for MURDER. And you said, "We apprehended Carlos Agaba today." And she said, "So, are you going to let me go?" WHY DID YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT, DAVID CARUSO? You suck so bad. Could you possibly have any other expression on your face? Could you vary your vocal inflection at all from its present monotony? You are terrible. And all the other actors on your show are good actors. Why do you suck so bad? And do you think you are really good? Your characters seem pompous and arrogant, so I believe that you also are pompous and arrogant. Maybe you aren't! Maybe you are a really nice person and the fact that you can make yourself seem otherwise is proof that you are a good actor. But I don't believe it for a second. I think you suck. And when I talk to people in my daily life who have such a blank expression and irritating way of talking like you do, I walk away from them. And when I walk away from them, I think... 'God, I'm glad I'm not talking to them anymore. I wanted to kick that person in the head.'

Please do not watch this youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948

Procrastinating

I sat down to write just now. And there's alot that is swirling around in my thoughts. Not really anything of consequence. I am excited. I am anxious. For different reasons. And I've got a mess of a kitchen downstairs that I would LOVE to procrastinate on right about now.

So, two weeks ago I moved into this gorgeous house. This big, beautiful, lovely and painfully lonely house. I wasn't nearly as lonely in the last house. Maybe it had to do with memories of people I had shared it with... Robert, Heidi, Kristal, and Kim. It never seemed lonely. Here, my neighborhood is wonderful. I've got kids all around me. Wonderful families that really care about each other. But inside this big, seemingly empty house is space and air and quiet. I need a roommate. I would really like two. So hopefully in a few weeks, my blogs will be about roommate quirks. Whatever they are will be better than this sad quiet.

Maybe to combat the loneliness... maybe to provide a playmate for my baby dog... or maybe to maintain another connection to Max, I took in his sweet dog, Harley. He is a mess. He is matted and a bit needy. He's a wonderful dog. Affectionate and obedient. But he doesn't really like Wyatt all that much yet. I wonder if they will develop a bond. He seems so old for his five years. Maybe a little attention, some good food, and a haircut will do the trick.

I rode my beautiful KZ today. I love it. Now, when I say I rode it, I mean to say that I took it around the block. Not really much of a ride. But exciting enough for me. I really have never thought much of motorcycles. But this summer when Max asked if I wanted to learn, I didn't object. The second I let off the clutch and gave it some gas, I felt that beautiful rush of freedom and it's got me hooked. I can start it, stop it, and shift gears up and down, but that's about it. I can't wait until I've got enough confidence to go riding with Max. It will be so much fun!

Max leaves tomorrow for California. I am just beginning the task of taking him out of my thoughts bit by bit. Not totally. But I have got to get some emotional distance. So in the next few weeks I'll have to wrestle myself away from the phone when he calls. It's kind of like starting to eat vegetables when you aren't used to it. You have to force yourself to do something because you know, in the end, it will be better for you. Our relationship is so wonderful. I really love it. But it's also been creating a heavy heart. So I need to shake it.

Anyway, I got to meet little Noah Boll today. My dear friend, Jenn, has had her first baby. He's so wonderful. It's amazing to see a woman become a mother. What used to be so very important to her now takes a back seat to loving and providing for her baby. It's a precious thing. Anyway... I suppose I should get going on that disgusting kitchen downstairs. Or I could sink down into a tub of bubbles... that sounds wonderful.

I Need Time Space Silence

My mind is not right. I have handled myself very well since my divorce. I've mostly done the right thing. But I have felt pushed and pulled these recent days and it's left me ripped open. At least that's how I feel today. I need boundaries. I can't be pushed and pulled any longer, so what I really need to do is clear my thoughts and create some distance from the situation. Some emotional distance? My dear friend and I share the most deep and communicative intimacy. It is like none I've ever had. And this intimacy is a deep friendship... so deep that it's blurs the lines of friendship. We have an odd relationship. It's not bad. It's different. And I've intentionally prevented expectations from creeping into the middle of it all, however, my emotions are so heavy in the midst of it all. I am so intensely in love with him. And the timing is so intensely wrong. So what do I do? I can push back that love and stifle it so that I'm not living an authentic life. I can let it grow. I can let it die away. Or I can get a little healthy distance.

Healthy distance. Time. Space. Silence.

Some Men Are Very Stupid

Exhibit A: Long-haired professional football players... you don't look good. Whoever told you that you did look good was lying and has fooled you into believing something terrible. Cut your hair.

Exhibit B: The dude who thinks he is so good looking that any girl would fall over themselves just to talk to him. Guess what... it takes more than that. And don't throw the "I'm a bigwig in the military" or "I ski". Girls don't care. Let me rephrase that. Any woman who has handled adversity in her life with dignity will not fall for that. She will see right through you and recognize what a giant tool you are.

Exhibit C: The dudes who lie about themselves. You are 23. All your stories about the jobs you'ved worked and the high-profile experiences you have had are either all lies or exaggerated and you know it. And so do I. I would rather sit down with a total numbskull that is real about himself and his interests and presents himself truthfully than with you.

Exhibit D: The mullet. Seriously? What are you trying to convey?

Exhibit E: The man who ate my lunch out of the refrigerator today. You are going to suffer.

Exhibit F: All the men who have wanted to come talk to my friend, Sarah, because she is beautiful, but haven't because they are intimidated. Get over it. Talk to her. You are making her feel bad.

Exhibit G: You oogling married men. Go home to your wives. And love them. And tell them how outrageously sexy they are and how glad you are that you are their husband.

Chad Has A Crush On Me (Part 2)

"You have a tat-TOO, Miss Renfroe?"

"Yes, Chad."

"Did it hurt?"

"Yes. It hurt alot."

"I like girls with tattoos"

(silence)

"Really, Miss Renfroe. I REALLY like girls with tattoos."

"That's not hard to believe, Chad."

Get Me There!

So, I get to move on Saturday. Usually moving is crappy. I guess maybe it will be a little crappy. I mean, having to box everything up and rearrange and get rid of things. I actually don't mind it. It makes me feel like I have my life together when I can do all that. I think what bugs me is having to get furniture I need. I guess I should think about owning a dining table. One with chairs, you know... and a futon would be good for guests to come sleep over. Some bar stools - two would be fine. Oh, and washer and dryer. That's necessary. : )

I am really excited to be moving. For many reasons, really. One being that I will have 45 minutes to an hour EXTRA every day! How much would some people pay for an extra hour in their day? I can't wait. So much I can do with that! I can cook! I can take my dog out before it's pitch black! I can ride my bike to the climbing gym! I can read! I am so grateful for that. And Wyatt will be grateful, too. I'll get to sneak away for lunch when I want to and sit on the back patio in the sunshine. A little solace in the middle of my day away from the craziness of 498 small children.

Another thing is that I am so excited to be in the community that I have been a part of for three years. I used to think that I didn't want to live near my kids. I didn't want to be 'inconvenienced' or to run into them everywhere I go. What was I thinking?!?! I love them. I invest in their lives. I love their families. Why would I not want to dive in and become a part of the entire community? I can't wait to see them biking down the street and have them ring my doorbell to come play with Wyatt. I am thoroughly stoked.

And another is that I am 45 minutes from Denver. 20 minutes closer to my parents, to Meghan and to Danielle, and to Max. It will be so easy to see any of them at the drop of a hat! Imagine... Max and I could meet for dinner in Castle Rock in less than half an hour. I can head to Denver for a show and be back in bed in a quick hour drive. It makes me so happy I can hardly stand it.

I guess the stress of being a landlord hasn't hit me, but with any luck, these guys will be an easy set of tenants and I can get this house off my hands in a few more years. Oh, and waking up to sit in front of my new fireplace or to drink coffee on the back deck or to soak in the giant tub or to ride my bike to get errands done will be such a joy!!!

Now, if I can only find a roommate! : )

Love and Trust. Trust and Love.

Can we trust without love?

I am reading The Shack by William P. Young. It details an interesting discussion between a man and the Trinity - God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. One of the ideas it poses is that "Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved" (p. 126). Today I had to let that sit in my mind for a while. And still it moves around, gaining momentum. Can I trust someone who doesn't love me? I don't think so, really. Because one who loves me has my best interests in mind. Someone who loves me has a vested interest in protecting me. And because of that love, I don't need to impose expectations or rules in the relationship. I can just be. And trust takes over.

But then, I think, sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes it takes a choice - the choice to do what is right regardless. To stick it out and to do what is best for a relationship despite wanting to run away. Wait. Maybe that IS love. There are so many dimensions to love. And I'm realizing that love is less about passion and more about a deep sense of wanting good for another. Love is about setting aside your own needs and pursuing the fulfillment of the needs of another. In this environment of giving, I think it is impossible not to trust.