Year One

A year ago tomorrow was our wedding day! The love and light from that amazing day will never fade. It's said that life is made up of the simple things and I can say that lines up with what we've experienced this year.  We love to think back upon those butterfly effect moments, those simple things, that led us to where we are today and it's thrilling to think that as we go about each day, we live many other butterfly effect moments that will lead us to where we go tomorrow.

In knowing Adam for four years, I've learned lots about him. But there are times in our life that what I learn about him comes in gigantic waves. We were surprised to find out early this summer that we would be expecting a baby early in 2013. I will never forget Adam's expression when I told him. His eyes lit up and for the first time, we began thinking about the family we were beginning. What do we do? I don't even know how to make kneecaps or anything! Within weeks, we settled into the grand idea that we would shortly be welcoming our first little one. I bought Adam the first book that he would read the baby and when we were in New York, we picked up a West Point onesie, so we would be prepared for football games. We shared the news with Adam's family and I sent a book to surprise my parents with the news.

Just a day after I sent this book, we lost the baby. I can't accurately explain the horror of the experience without detailing the entire process. It truly was awful. But we reminded ourselves to be grateful because it could have been worse. I cried for days and it was difficult to get used to the idea that I was only me again. But Adam truly provided so much of what I needed to be able to move ahead. I struggled quite a bit with the idea that our little one was not given a proper goodbye but Adam had the most assuring response and although it was so difficult, we made it through together. We decided to name our little one and to light up one of those paper balloons that you send into the sky. Of all the memories of our first year, although it is the most sad, it also is the sweetest. Knowing that I am married to a man of character that is strong and caring and supportive is absolutely priceless and it makes celebrating our first anniversary that much sweeter.

So, to my husband, whom I love more than anything... thank you for all of our special memories. You make my life rich and beautiful every single day. I love you.

Leaving It Behind

I walked out the door today, arms filled with a box of assorted office what-cha-ma-call-its, a treasured book, a picture of me and my dear Adam, and a little vase filled with three beautiful fake flowers that has kept my desk cheerful and maintenance-free for the last six years. It really just seems like any other day today. But it's not. Today is tearfully different. Today is the day I say goodbye to the school that lead to my growth as a teacher. It's the school that saw me through a rough patch and watched me meet my soon-to-be husband. It's the school that I poured heart and soul into for six wonderful years.

I couldn't let go of the feeling that I was leaving something behind. I looked up and down the hallways and although I could see nothing that I was forgetting to take with me, the weighted feeling that I was missing something important remained. I went to complete my last task - boxing up some paperwork that was to be shredded. And I realized it was the final mission I would take on for this school.

I've taken on a number of missions, miniscule and monumental, for this organization. Some I couldn't wait to have off my plate and some I heartfully struggled to step away from. It is important to me that my efforts make a positive impact on a school and not just a little impact, but a huge, lasting, magnificent crater.

And with this thought, I realized what I was leaving behind. I was leaving behind myself. It was nothing that I could wrap in tissue paper or package in bubble wrap. It was nothing that I could take away from this school at all. It was the contribution left by hours of dedication and love for the students of this place. Through my bleary eyes, I realized that the magnificent moments that changed my heart and the hearts of my students... the beautiful moments in which a student believed that maybe something difficult was actually possible and that it was within them to achieve it... were what I left. These moments travel on in my mind, in my heart, and in the hearts and minds of my incredible students. I'm grateful that these moments live on and I can only hope that they will be magnified by the choices of my kids.

The next chapter is vague and unknown. But this is one thing that will continue no matter where I go. I want my life to publish hope. Always.

Looming

I used to lick the ice cream out of the bottom of my bowl. I wanted all the goodness. The yummy sweet delicious drops of melty, melty lllmmmmmuuhhh.

Therefore, it's hard for me to admit that I believe that really, really crappy things are bound to happen. Why do I think this? It's all these underlying ideas that linger around unpondered. Every now and then, this undetected anxiety pops up. It's like watching a scary movie. The music turns dark, someone wanders around ignorant of looming danger, and BOOM! Something terrible happens.

Of course, it's the hard times that make the sweet times that much sweeter. And I know what hard times are like. I know that they broaden your perspective. I know that your life becomes richer. I just don't want any more. And I don't want to feel like something is right around the corner.

I guess you take the good with the bad. Isn't that from The Facts of Life? I am in what I consider to be a good long stretch of good and I don't want anything to mess it up.

On the Brink

Well, here it is 2011. Insane, right? You know what this means? 2022 is just around the corner. 2011 is here and it's bringing with it all sorts of crazy action. I am right on the brink of so many changes. I am poised to get my administrators license so I'm thinking about jobs and whether I think I'm capable or not. I used to be so confident and now I don't know for sure. I'm looking forward to the changes of 2011. They're all scary. And they're all exciting. It's the not-knowing that's so scary, but the fright I have is worth all the possibilities that might be.

I'm very excited. I'm inches from getting my Master's. I have a great job and a fantastic family. And I'm in love. It's all quite good.

Being Alone

Being alone has its benefits and its setbacks. That's for certain. But it's recently become clear to me how some people are seriously unable to function in alone-ity. Maybe it's their personality or a way of living they've developed that works for them. To me, though, being alone is a fact of life. It's a great opportunity to challenge yourself... to learn something new... to really get to know more about what it is that makes you tick. It takes a long time to get to know yourself, I think. And when we cloud that up with being with other people non-stop, we miss out on great opportunities to grow.

I'm not saying I'm a recluse. I love being around other people. Being alone too much isn't great for me. But neither is being with people all the time. What makes me tick is a healthy balance of the two.

What it comes down to for me is this: we simply aren't guaranteed that anyone will be by our side at any point in our lives. Any person I hold dear can be taken from me in an instant. It's happened before. It will happen again. It's just how life is. So, it's important to establish a healthy independence. To be alone. And present in the moment. To stretch outside of our comfort zones.

This weekend a friend of Adam's went camping by herself. Maybe there were moments of excitement or peace or fear. But there is nothing else that can teach her what this weekend may have taught her. Three cheers for Miss Reeves. Setting out to be alone and independent and to enjoy the day for what it brings. It's a lesson that I believe every female needs. A girl needs to know that even if she loses everything... she will still be just fine.

World Wide Open

There's no better way to be thankful for your life than to live it fully. This January, I started Master's classes, training for a triathalon, and learning to ski. Everything about these three pursuits has challenged me and has caused me to change my perspective on who I am and what I can do. It's been an inspiring three months and it's not over.

I was having dinner with a friend last night. She is starting a new chapter in her life, or maybe not a new chapter, but a new journey. She and I are in similar situations - I will be starting a new job in August. One that I have a passion for, but very little formal training. It's always scary starting something new. Adam had excellent advice on this. He said - you can not read the future so you have to focus on the exciting part of the change and not the scary part. That's true about anything. We get so caught up into defining ourselves with what we HAVE been that we forget to open our minds up to new possibilities.

I have NEVER been a runner. I hated it. It would be a miracle for me to run a continuous mile. In January, I started running, and now I'm up to four miles for a regular workout. Now, I'm a runner.

I have NEVER been a skiier. I thought I was terrible and I didn't want to spend money on something I was terrible at. My first time skiing this season was December 31. I miserably and awkwardly and terribly struggled my way down green runs before I painfully surrendered for the day. Yesterday, I took my first black diamond. I'm confident and successful with it. I'm a skiier!!

I've never seen myself as a principal. A leader, yes. A principal, no. But there have been a number of people that I admire that have repeatedly suggested to me that I need to pursue that option. So here I am. Who knows where it will take me?

I am completely excited for the journey. There are scary parts. But I am hopeful. I feel now that I haven't truly used my body or my life to its utmost. I am so thankful that my legs can do what they can do and that my mind can do what it can do. It's an inspiring chapter in my life. The world is wide open. I am thrilled to be a part of it.

Better Changes

There is no better way to be thankful for your body than to use it.

I have always hated running, but I've gradually worked my way into it. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I love it. But at least now I don't dread it as I did. This week, I completed three workouts. This particular day was a one-half hour session on a treadmill. I had just bumped my speed up by 1/2 mile an hour. When I finished, I felt fantastic. I had maintained a solid pace: one that allowed me to push myself but was comfortable enough that I didn't feel like I was about to throw up. I only slowed my pace so I could stay hydrated.

It's amazing what we can do if we just decide to do it. Although my routine seems somewhat mediocre to more intense runners, I have come a long, long way. I am so proud of this change in my lifestyle. And I'm excited to be aiming for a bigger goal: my first triathalon. My goal is to do it well.

The last month has seen a number of changes in the way that I've functioned. I am proud of every single one of them. I'm not just becoming a better person because of the situations I encounter, but now better changes are coming because I am deciding to live my life in a new way. I love it. I'm not scrambling to keep up with my life anymore. This is in fact the only year that New Year's resolutions have truly changed the way I function. I am overwhelmingly proud of my progress this month and I'm looking forward to celebrating two months of wonderful change at the end of February.

Twenty-Whatever

Today is my birthday. I told the kids at school that today I turned 100. They don't really know. Thirty is basically like 100 to them. When I was twenty-whatever, these are the things that I learned.

Change happens. For better. For worse. There's nothing we can do to stop it. We can't prevent it. But we can direct it.

Committment is worth it. I'll never give up on committment again.

My greatest treasures are friends and family. They are priceless.

Starting over is way harder than it seems.

My dog is the love of my life.

Retail therapy covers over a multitude of sins. Well... we pretend it does.

Being responsible is not one of my strong points.

I fail. Almost every day I fail at something. But in the end, it causes growth, so perhaps it's worth it.

Changing the life of a child is like nothing I've ever known. It's nothing anyone can ever take away from me. It's mine forever.

I know what I want and what I don't. And I'm not afraid to clean things out of my life that just aren't what I want.

To communicate.

Balance is essential.

I need God. Real bad.

Being a lady is not just about looking lovely. It's about confidence and tenderness and full-blown, bone-crushing torrential strength.

When you get down to the tough stuff you do what you gotta do to plug ahead. You laugh. You find all the happy you can find. You pull your friends real real close.

I am extremely skilled and I have raging passion that pulls me to love what I do for a living.

Being outside is not optional for me. I have to see the sky and feel the breeze. I have to notice the little details. I have to stop and explore.

When I love, I love big.

Learning to Love

Only two more days of being 29. And still I fail at lots. It's all part of being human. Regardless of how laid back I am about many things, I am extremely hard on myself. I am learning every day. I am so grateful to have a man in my life who encourages me to grow. To make positive changes. Today we had one of those discussions. Hard discussions that clean up areas in my brain and make it easier to become better. There was a pit in my stomach nearly the entire time but now I can breathe more clearly and maybe walk more lightly.

I am learning to love. Sometimes this means making decisions on what is worth changing in my own life. Sometimes it means discovering how to gently encourage positive growth in him. The big idea of this conversation was the idea that people change. Of course they do, right? The most frightening thing that I've encountered is the idea that I can link my life to someone 'till death do us part and have them or me drastically change. I had no guarantees. None of us do. But the idea of love is that we risk it. And we go forward knowing that we will be with the person we love through every change they endure and we have strength of hope that they will be with us through every change we endure. Time will hopefully bring wisdom which in turn brings change for the better.

Relationships are hard. Who knows if we or you or she or he are making the right decision? Is it worth it? Do I go with my instinct? Do I stop before everything gets too close? Nobody really knows. But I am of the firm conviction that whatever I choose to do, God will bless as I learn to trust Him and turn to Him in all things. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Right?

All Along The Way

Here's something I am really good at: moving ahead and making the best of a situation regardless of the drawbacks. When Rob was sick, I just learned that there are some things you can not change. And you've got to press ahead and tell jokes and laugh and make your situation as normal as possible. You accept what you have to accept and you change what you can change and you laugh and laugh and laugh all along the way.

There's no use grumbling about the little things. You do what you do and move along and enjoy every minute as much as you can. Right? This last week, I came upon a few situations where a friend of mine expected me to be upset and to grumble. It's hard when someone assumes that. If you can really make the best of it, then getting caught in a hailstorm and being alone in a new city become wonderful adventures. I love that.

Three Significant Events

I asked my friend the other day what the three most significant events of his life were. Heavy question. Not necessarily life-changing events, but life-defining. Perhaps it was a choice you made or something you encountered in your life that clarified your ideas and ways of living. Perhaps it changed everything.

Here are my three:

The failure of my marriage and the restoration of my friendship with my ex-husband. There were so many tiny facets of this situation that created infinite lessons. I overcame shame. I learned the value of communication. I learned independence. I lost friends and slowly built up a new family of friendships. I discovered forgiveness. I lost the treacherous fairytale image of marriage.

Walking with Rob through cancer treatment. I gained perspective and learned to develop priorities. Things that used to seem important no longer were. I learned that when you are in a dire circumstance, you can only do what you can do. There are things that can't be changed and there is no use struggling against them. I learned that humor can get you through the day. I learned how important faith is in my life.

I am having such a hard time agreeing on the third. I am not quite sure what situation was life-defining for me. I suppose choosing to go to Western State was a huge one. I am fairly sure it led to every relationship and every decision I made. Becoming a teacher has been a wonderful journey. Growing up in a deaf family and having responsibility from a young age. Dating Max and Rob F. also taught me about balance, communication, the character of men, the character of women, and about what kind of partner complements me best.

This is a great question. Perhaps one day when I am resigned to be a member of Match.com, I will ask this question of the curious men who fall prey to my profile.

Simple As WHAT Should Be?

I love the title of my blog. It comes from a song by Tristan Prettyman. I haven't heard it in a very long time. As I go back and read about the events that made up 2008 for me, I realize, NOTHING was simple in 2008. What in the hell am I talking about? I like to think of myself as a very low-drama, low-maintenance kind of female. I don't like starting stuff just to start stuff. I don't dislike very many people. I feel like I'm pretty mellow and go-with-the-flow. I like simplicity and authenticity. So why in the world was my life so topsy-turvy?! That is frustrating. Was it my doing? I certainly hope not. But I'm not so sure I want to blame anyone else for my lack of balance. If I really wanted balance and simplicity, I could have cut everything out of my life right away that threatened my parity.

But I just wanted a chance. I think that's why I managed my relationships why I did. Do I regret it? No. My friend, Nicole, said that I went into it with heart and soul. If I had been timid and lived only to protect myself, then I wouldn't really be living, right? Well, one day, maybe? One day that simplicity will all come back around. And for that, I will be grateful.

No Chance

When I roll the dice, I've got a one in 36 chance of rolling doubles, right? Maybe it's a two in 36 chance. I did not take statistics.

Rob and I never had a chance for a family or the kind of life that you look forward to on your wedding day. Even if we had worked everything out and pulled everything together, there still was no chance for any of that. I still would have lost him. It makes me angry. You look at our wedding photos and everything seems so possible. It was a huge lie. And in the meantime, our dear friends are getting married and making decisions and living life together. They encounter problems and struggle through the muck together and they thrive in the huge joys of life together.

It's almost as though I started a race with my knees bound together. Although this makes me angry... I should probably rephrase my ideas. Rob and I together never had a chance. And Rob now has no chance for any of that. I have days left of my life... weeks and years perhaps. And maybe one of those days will bring me a chance for all this. But Rob never had that.

Resolve

So, New Year's Resolutions.... let's think... what sickens me about my own life? About how I conduct my daily goings-on? There's not much, really. But here is something I absolutely hate about myself: my tendency to procrastinate on things like bills. I do this because my life just goes on day to day and suddenly I find that I have not paid bills. I know they sit in my mailbox waiting for me. But I refuse to check the box because then that means I have a responsibility to open them and pay them. I typically have the money to pay them. I just don't do it. It's disgustingly irresponsible.

Dictionary.com says that resolve means to determine or to come to an earnest decision about. To convert or transform. To deal with or to settle. Musically, it indicates the movement from a state of dissonance into a state of consonance, or agreement. I am sick of this way of functioning. I need to deal with it... to transform it so that all the parts of my life come into agreement.

I know if I continue to let my life whizz by me without really being deliberate about things like paying bills and keeping my car in good condition, I will live in this perpetual state of stress. I can't do that anymore. So, I hereby resolve to change this terrible slacking behavior of mine. I resolve to pay bills on time and to develop a system in order to be productive in the mundane tasks of life that continue to drag me down.

I realize this is going to require me to become a little less laid-back and more anal about getting things done. I can't make excuses. I can't delay or postpone anymore. I've got to just get it done. I wonder how long I can endure.

Treading Water

Here I am. Struggling. Feeling like I am treading water. Barely keeping my lips above the water. And it's all in my mind. I have a wonderful job, amazing friends, a nice place to live, and a great family. What is the issue then? Nothing to complain about. So where is my focus? My dear friend said that most of our worries are about the past or the future and if we keep our vision on the present, there is much happiness to be had. It's true. I've never been a worrier. Am I worried? I think I am. But I don't know about what. I think it has to do with the giant amount of responsibility that I have. And I just want to shed it all. I like my house, but I would LOVE to be without it. I like my job, but I would LOVE to not have all those little things weighing on my mind in the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe I should run away. No, seriously. Leave a note on my bed like I did when I was eight. And instead of hiding under the bed to wait to see when they would notice I was gone, I will actually run. Leave this monstrosity of weight behind. What is it that I have been looking at? Because I feel it... my perspective has changed. No longer the beaming outlook. I guess I don't trust that anything good is coming my way. I think I wrote about that earlier. My friend asked, do I need something good to come my way for me to be complete right now? At this moment? I can't possibly rely on anything else to come my way. My focus has been narrowed and I know that as I focus on who God is, everything melts away. Worries. Weight. It all doesn't seem to matter next to the pleasure of knowing who God is. So how have I found myself here? What I need is perhaps to take a glorious week off and to go hide myself where only God can find me. To be separate. And to fix my eyes on him... who is steady. Who is compassionate. Who never fails.

It Will Be Beautiful

I never realized how wonderful it is to be around people who have a solid relationship. People who rely in a healthy way on each other. Who communicate. Who love. Who give. It fills me up. These people adore each other and every now and then, you might catch some evidence of this. A smile between the two of them. A little moment in their day where they reach out in some visible way to show the other person their love.

There are a few relationships that thrill me like this. Certain friends of mine have these beautiful, awe-inspiring relationships. So beautiful. Not everyone, though. Some people in my life are married and just kind of live the day. Not necessarily being intentional about valuing that other person.... letting it go unsaid and perhaps unfelt.

But it is so encouraging to see. And I wonder if I've ever been in that position in my life. I think I have. Rob and I had a relationship like that at one point. But we slipped into the unintentional floating-through-life syndrome. I never want to slip into that again. I have hope. I know that one day, I will be settled in a balanced relationship with my best friend and our relationship will be so good and so balanced that it will be evident to the people around us. Not to say that anything will be perfect. But it will be beautiful.

Procrastinating

I sat down to write just now. And there's alot that is swirling around in my thoughts. Not really anything of consequence. I am excited. I am anxious. For different reasons. And I've got a mess of a kitchen downstairs that I would LOVE to procrastinate on right about now.

So, two weeks ago I moved into this gorgeous house. This big, beautiful, lovely and painfully lonely house. I wasn't nearly as lonely in the last house. Maybe it had to do with memories of people I had shared it with... Robert, Heidi, Kristal, and Kim. It never seemed lonely. Here, my neighborhood is wonderful. I've got kids all around me. Wonderful families that really care about each other. But inside this big, seemingly empty house is space and air and quiet. I need a roommate. I would really like two. So hopefully in a few weeks, my blogs will be about roommate quirks. Whatever they are will be better than this sad quiet.

Maybe to combat the loneliness... maybe to provide a playmate for my baby dog... or maybe to maintain another connection to Max, I took in his sweet dog, Harley. He is a mess. He is matted and a bit needy. He's a wonderful dog. Affectionate and obedient. But he doesn't really like Wyatt all that much yet. I wonder if they will develop a bond. He seems so old for his five years. Maybe a little attention, some good food, and a haircut will do the trick.

I rode my beautiful KZ today. I love it. Now, when I say I rode it, I mean to say that I took it around the block. Not really much of a ride. But exciting enough for me. I really have never thought much of motorcycles. But this summer when Max asked if I wanted to learn, I didn't object. The second I let off the clutch and gave it some gas, I felt that beautiful rush of freedom and it's got me hooked. I can start it, stop it, and shift gears up and down, but that's about it. I can't wait until I've got enough confidence to go riding with Max. It will be so much fun!

Max leaves tomorrow for California. I am just beginning the task of taking him out of my thoughts bit by bit. Not totally. But I have got to get some emotional distance. So in the next few weeks I'll have to wrestle myself away from the phone when he calls. It's kind of like starting to eat vegetables when you aren't used to it. You have to force yourself to do something because you know, in the end, it will be better for you. Our relationship is so wonderful. I really love it. But it's also been creating a heavy heart. So I need to shake it.

Anyway, I got to meet little Noah Boll today. My dear friend, Jenn, has had her first baby. He's so wonderful. It's amazing to see a woman become a mother. What used to be so very important to her now takes a back seat to loving and providing for her baby. It's a precious thing. Anyway... I suppose I should get going on that disgusting kitchen downstairs. Or I could sink down into a tub of bubbles... that sounds wonderful.

I Need Time Space Silence

My mind is not right. I have handled myself very well since my divorce. I've mostly done the right thing. But I have felt pushed and pulled these recent days and it's left me ripped open. At least that's how I feel today. I need boundaries. I can't be pushed and pulled any longer, so what I really need to do is clear my thoughts and create some distance from the situation. Some emotional distance? My dear friend and I share the most deep and communicative intimacy. It is like none I've ever had. And this intimacy is a deep friendship... so deep that it's blurs the lines of friendship. We have an odd relationship. It's not bad. It's different. And I've intentionally prevented expectations from creeping into the middle of it all, however, my emotions are so heavy in the midst of it all. I am so intensely in love with him. And the timing is so intensely wrong. So what do I do? I can push back that love and stifle it so that I'm not living an authentic life. I can let it grow. I can let it die away. Or I can get a little healthy distance.

Healthy distance. Time. Space. Silence.

Get Me There!

So, I get to move on Saturday. Usually moving is crappy. I guess maybe it will be a little crappy. I mean, having to box everything up and rearrange and get rid of things. I actually don't mind it. It makes me feel like I have my life together when I can do all that. I think what bugs me is having to get furniture I need. I guess I should think about owning a dining table. One with chairs, you know... and a futon would be good for guests to come sleep over. Some bar stools - two would be fine. Oh, and washer and dryer. That's necessary. : )

I am really excited to be moving. For many reasons, really. One being that I will have 45 minutes to an hour EXTRA every day! How much would some people pay for an extra hour in their day? I can't wait. So much I can do with that! I can cook! I can take my dog out before it's pitch black! I can ride my bike to the climbing gym! I can read! I am so grateful for that. And Wyatt will be grateful, too. I'll get to sneak away for lunch when I want to and sit on the back patio in the sunshine. A little solace in the middle of my day away from the craziness of 498 small children.

Another thing is that I am so excited to be in the community that I have been a part of for three years. I used to think that I didn't want to live near my kids. I didn't want to be 'inconvenienced' or to run into them everywhere I go. What was I thinking?!?! I love them. I invest in their lives. I love their families. Why would I not want to dive in and become a part of the entire community? I can't wait to see them biking down the street and have them ring my doorbell to come play with Wyatt. I am thoroughly stoked.

And another is that I am 45 minutes from Denver. 20 minutes closer to my parents, to Meghan and to Danielle, and to Max. It will be so easy to see any of them at the drop of a hat! Imagine... Max and I could meet for dinner in Castle Rock in less than half an hour. I can head to Denver for a show and be back in bed in a quick hour drive. It makes me so happy I can hardly stand it.

I guess the stress of being a landlord hasn't hit me, but with any luck, these guys will be an easy set of tenants and I can get this house off my hands in a few more years. Oh, and waking up to sit in front of my new fireplace or to drink coffee on the back deck or to soak in the giant tub or to ride my bike to get errands done will be such a joy!!!

Now, if I can only find a roommate! : )

The Lake Was Glassy And Cool

His speech and hearing and mobility have all taken a dive. His brain is still undergoing swelling as a result of the extensive radiation. And so he is stuck in this holding pattern. Not being able to move or speak... just to think. And what goes on in his brain all day, I wonder?

I sat down near him on the couch as he was lying there. I set my chin on his knee. And I looked him in the eyes. I told him I love him and then my eyes filled up with tears. And so did his. And some of the words he can manage to say are, "It's ok." ... What's ok?? What is it that is ok, Rob? Because none of this seems ok to me. It would seem ok if you could get better. And it would seem ok if you could pass quietly into the next world. But this does not seem ok. This holding pattern. This lengthy stall of inability and frustration.

I swam across a lake this weekend... just as the sun was reaching its fingertips into the sky. The lake was glassy and cool. And a man and his boy were fishing at the southern edge. Why did I jump into that water? I sat there for a few minutes... tottering the line between jumping in and just dangling my toes in the water. And as the sun quickly made its ascent, I knew there were precious few minutes to enjoy this moment. To float softly across the water just as the sun made its way into the open sky. Only 200 miles south lay a man that I loved and that I still love that couldn't jump in even if he wanted to... unless he wanted to just roll off the dock and sink through the murky water to settle at the bottom. And here I was delaying a beautiful moment simply because the water was cold?? Insane.