Luminous Woods

A space to breathe. To look into the sky. To let nature fill me up with a good, bright smile.

I love our woods. I've written about this place before. One of the things I love is the ever-changing face these woods present in the different seasons. Winter shocked me the most - with the barren, spiny trees that reached up, disappearing into the sullen skies. Dull and crispy leaves lay their heavy blanket on the cold earthen floor. The creek pools filled black with decomposing fallen leaves.

Somehow, though, just after the daffodils peered their sunny faces up at the end of the stalwart winter, but long after the flowering trees had dropped their blossoms, the woods bellowed out with a vibrant and swift herald. Trees burst forth with thick, luminous green that drew my eyes to the heights. Today, the branches were heavy with freshly fallen rain. I ducked under branches that bent low across the path. The air hung with a cool, refreshing humidity. I heard the stream beside me trickle, then gurgle, then spill, then rush, then tumble into the creek where one neighborhoods hill met another.

It is now when, if you walk quietly enough, you can see a raccoon whisk past and hastily climb a broad oak. And if you look into the trees just a little deeper than normal, you can see the full, white tails of the deer bounding away from the trail. Or stumble upon a box turtle waiting patiently for you to pass so he can continue on his way. Wyatt stops at the tree he knows the raccoon loves and paws at the rocks where the turtle can be found. And Butte pads along behind, happy for another trip into our favorite place.

I love our woods.

Missing Rob

I want to write. Have you ever felt like there was so much that you needed to process through? I feel that today and so I have sat down to write and I'm not quite sure what needs to be said.

I sat at breakfast this weekend with my lovely friend, Lisa. I have felt for a long time like we are two little peas in our pod. I'm not sure it's a perfect pod. No, it's not. Our little pod has been marked with big, big sadness and lots of joy, too. But we seem to have the same sort of something that is carrying us through. I feel like both she and I are able to take things as they come and to laugh them along. Whatever it is - good or bad.

She posted this video the other day that nearly wrecked me - Dave Matthews singing Grace is Gone. I know Rob and I were not married when he died. But for the life of me, I can't separate it all. He is still the only husband I ever knew. I really thought that I had patched my little self together and been okay knowing that he is gone. But it comes back in waves. I miss him so terribly much. I want to talk with him. Last summer we spent such wonderful time together... having dinners and listening to music in the park. I want him back. Here. On earth. And I'm so upset that God didn't fix it all. He could have.

So what was the point in all of that, really? To love and lose? Great. I'm not one to ask why... but for some reason, I can't get past the fact that I don't understand it. I never said I had to understand. But maybe one day years down the road when I have the family that I don't have now and when I've lived days and seen things I haven't lived or seen yet, maybe I'll understand. Right now I know it was a sad, sad loss for this world to endure.

So, his picture is up in my house. His bracelet is around my wrist. But how can you be near to someone who has left? I will never forget him.

New

Thank God for... revelation. My perspective has been so narrow and so tight. My focus has been skewed. And all it took to boot me back into my own self was a little bit of revelation.

You are right where you need to be.

That's all I needed to hear. I woke up with new vision. New perspective. A new outlook. And my day was glorious. It was golden. I love this. And it really all boils down to me keeping my eyes in the right place and staying connected to my God.

Treading Water

Here I am. Struggling. Feeling like I am treading water. Barely keeping my lips above the water. And it's all in my mind. I have a wonderful job, amazing friends, a nice place to live, and a great family. What is the issue then? Nothing to complain about. So where is my focus? My dear friend said that most of our worries are about the past or the future and if we keep our vision on the present, there is much happiness to be had. It's true. I've never been a worrier. Am I worried? I think I am. But I don't know about what. I think it has to do with the giant amount of responsibility that I have. And I just want to shed it all. I like my house, but I would LOVE to be without it. I like my job, but I would LOVE to not have all those little things weighing on my mind in the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe I should run away. No, seriously. Leave a note on my bed like I did when I was eight. And instead of hiding under the bed to wait to see when they would notice I was gone, I will actually run. Leave this monstrosity of weight behind. What is it that I have been looking at? Because I feel it... my perspective has changed. No longer the beaming outlook. I guess I don't trust that anything good is coming my way. I think I wrote about that earlier. My friend asked, do I need something good to come my way for me to be complete right now? At this moment? I can't possibly rely on anything else to come my way. My focus has been narrowed and I know that as I focus on who God is, everything melts away. Worries. Weight. It all doesn't seem to matter next to the pleasure of knowing who God is. So how have I found myself here? What I need is perhaps to take a glorious week off and to go hide myself where only God can find me. To be separate. And to fix my eyes on him... who is steady. Who is compassionate. Who never fails.

Love and Trust. Trust and Love.

Can we trust without love?

I am reading The Shack by William P. Young. It details an interesting discussion between a man and the Trinity - God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. One of the ideas it poses is that "Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved" (p. 126). Today I had to let that sit in my mind for a while. And still it moves around, gaining momentum. Can I trust someone who doesn't love me? I don't think so, really. Because one who loves me has my best interests in mind. Someone who loves me has a vested interest in protecting me. And because of that love, I don't need to impose expectations or rules in the relationship. I can just be. And trust takes over.

But then, I think, sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes it takes a choice - the choice to do what is right regardless. To stick it out and to do what is best for a relationship despite wanting to run away. Wait. Maybe that IS love. There are so many dimensions to love. And I'm realizing that love is less about passion and more about a deep sense of wanting good for another. Love is about setting aside your own needs and pursuing the fulfillment of the needs of another. In this environment of giving, I think it is impossible not to trust.

Perspective

At one time in my life, I had a perspective that was far outside myself. I feel like I used to care for other people more deeply than I do now. That sounds terrible, I know. What is it that has turned my perspective so inward? The things that have transpired in my life in the last few years has left me wondering about my own life. Maybe my perspective has changed because there is so much in my own life that I can't control... so much that is unsure. But it's always been like that, hasn't it?

I remember when Rob was sick and I knew it was something I couldn't control, I still had a healthy perspective.

It's funny. I think when people get married, they fall into this false sense of security. I certainly did. And that security made me forget that I wasn't guaranteed anything. Nothing. I wasn't guaranteed a happy marriage. I wasn't guaranteed years or children or family. I wasn't even guaranteed another single minute. Yet I felt so secure and so settled. How deceiving are our emotions? It makes me curious about what my security is based on. It has got to be based on something solid and secure.

This brings my thoughts back to faith. I used to be so steady. I can get that back. Putting aside those things that are temporal and pursuing what lasts... love and relationship, right?

Ecclesi-HMMMM...

Everything that can be done is meaningless. Nothing matters, so the best we can do is enjoy our days - eat, drink, and find joy in our daily work. I'm sure many people would disagree. In fact, I think I disagree! What a hopeless statement - perhaps from someone who has lost everything - who has nothing left to lean on.

In fact, these potent statements come from Ecclesiastes - yep, the Bible. And the assumed author is Solomon - a man of wisdom and stature - a king with everything he needs at his disposal.

I grew up believing that the entire Bible was the word of God, breathed into man. Yet, these don't seem like something God would say. How do I know that God intended these human musings to be a part of the collection of ideas that became known as the Holy Bible? Frankly, it sounds like the thoughts I've written in journals... the thoughts I've reflected on throughout my lifetime.

What about this? "A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything." Oh really? 1 Timothy says money plunges men into ruin and destruction. So who is right? Solomon or Paul? If the ENTIRE Bible is the inspired word of God, then wouldn't they match up? And why isn't this verse included in the concordance? Because someone knew it didn't match up and they didn't want to make it very easy to find, right?

I don't doubt that God is God. I don't doubt that He has a tremendous and unshakable love for us. And I don't doubt his plan to deliver us from our own terrible choices and gripping vices. I believe that He has spoken and continues to speak into the lives of people who will listen. But is every word... each word that was dictated and translated and pondered and modified... the actual intent of God?

My Pursuit

How does God not get sick of us? Well, I guess He does. The whole, "Hey, Noah, build an ark" thing and then there was that Ninevah situation. I'm wondering if God would let me know if He was sick of me. Maybe if I was listening a little better.

For my whole life, I've been the person who has known God and pursued Him wholeheartedly... then something happens and I back off. Am I a back-and-forther? Maybe I don't feel like it's worth it. I know it's worth it. But do I feel like it's worth it? And does it really matter how I feel? How I feel changes. So how much weight should I put in THAT? I've gone through periods of my life where much of the time, I'm thinking about and talking with God. And it's beautiful. He blasts His truth straight to the heart of me and it brings me to tears. Sometimes it has been something simple. I remember feeling one time that He painted the skies new each day for us. What a sign of love! I know many times in my life God has spoken to me - reassuring my heart, prompting me to pray, gently correcting me.

And then bit by bit, I begin to slack off and I forget how beautiful it was to be in contact with the One who knows me best. Will I ever be someone who pursues Him regardless of her situation in life? If I choose to. And if I don't, will I be convinced that I've spent my life well?

What Can You Do?

How does God work? How does He do what He does? Even when we've turned our backs on him time and time again - so many times that we lost track long ago - there's never a time that He says no. There's never a time where He makes us pay for what we did. There's never a time He wants to steal our joy or to terrify us into loving Him. He knows that doesn't work. He knows us. He knows that to draw us back to His heart that He will love us along that path. He will love us every step of the way - no matter if we are reluctant - no matter if we are scared - no matter if we've blamed him in the past. His kindness reaches farther than our sin has taken us. His love fills every spot that has been left empty. His embrace is present regardless of what we've done. His gaze towards us is never full of shame. No human heart can compare. No human heart can compare. No human heart can compare.

So what can you do when you can't fix the wrong you've done? Accept His kindness. Love Him for His love. Stay in His embrace. Live in the freedom of His gaze. Can we ever truly understand His love if we haven't fallen? Perhaps. Can we ever learn to love - even those who aren't 'worthy' of it - if we haven't failed? Perhaps.

I know who defines my life. I know whose arms I will fall into. And I know how He loves. It is irresistable.