"The authentic self is the soul made visible." - Sarah Ban Breathnach
To pursue a life of complete genuine-ity... to participate in real-ification... worthy pursuit, I imagine. Yet sometimes it seems that being real pushes the envelope of intimacy. And a deep and beautiful intimacy is good in real-ationships. But it’s very scary, too. If I continue to be authentic with this person, it’s going to be very hard for me to walk away unscathed. Do you find this to be true? When you’ve put hard work into any relationship and developed a deep and delicate lasting knowledge of who they are, walking away just isn’t an option. How can it be possible that I would KNOW someone so well and then drop them to the side? Is it healthy? Is it real?
If the best thing is to continue authenticity to build intimacy, then so be it. And if the best thing is to sacrifice authenticity to slow intimacy, then so be it? But if one sacrifices authenticity, do they lose thier true self? Sounds like a predicament to me.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Being Present
I drove to Canon City this weekend to climb. And as I was driving, I realized my gaze was almost entirely on the road. Now, I guess that’s good news for my driving skills, but I thought a little more about it and realized that I sort of get sucked in to living my life like this, too. Later in the day, I hiked along a trail that lead back to the crag and I found myself doing the same thing. Eyes on the trail. The time I spend moving my body to a new place seems like such a waste. I’m waiting. Just waiting to get there. To be where I need to be.
But there’s much beauty and value in living in the moment. This step that I took on the trail will never occur again. The clouds will never be like this again. And as soon as I’ve lived that second, it’s gone. I hope I’ve lived it well. But I can’t live that moment well if I’ve got a "when I get there" mentality. I started to look up. To notice. The shadows on the texture of the rock. The way the trees grew intertwined with another. The empty valley down below. I began to become present.
Life tumbles and turns underneath us and we catapult past minutes and days and moments as though the days are limitless. My life is very, very good right now. I have what I need. And I almost have what I want. I know the days ahead will bring their own beautiful story. But I can’t know what they will bring or what they will take. So what’s the use of living as though today isn’t enough for me?
But there’s much beauty and value in living in the moment. This step that I took on the trail will never occur again. The clouds will never be like this again. And as soon as I’ve lived that second, it’s gone. I hope I’ve lived it well. But I can’t live that moment well if I’ve got a "when I get there" mentality. I started to look up. To notice. The shadows on the texture of the rock. The way the trees grew intertwined with another. The empty valley down below. I began to become present.
Life tumbles and turns underneath us and we catapult past minutes and days and moments as though the days are limitless. My life is very, very good right now. I have what I need. And I almost have what I want. I know the days ahead will bring their own beautiful story. But I can’t know what they will bring or what they will take. So what’s the use of living as though today isn’t enough for me?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Feminine Radiance
Feminine radiance is everywhere... in the feel of the sun on my skin... in the scent of a spring breeze... in the gentle gait of a confident woman. It emanates beauty. Magnificent beauty. And every being in the presence of this femininity is changed. What a glorious picture of true woman.
"When a woman is relaxed in her feminine radiance, she is like beautiful music or a warm ocean breeze"... another quote from David Deida’s book, The Way of the Superior Man.
This week there were some instances of tension in my life and I felt myself falling into a more masculine response of aggression. And I felt like in that moment, I was losing my essence and my beauty. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a fairly masculine-ish woman... at least I think I am. I feel fairly level-headed about my emotions... I like to be covered in dirt... I spit (very well, by the way). But it doesn’t mean that I lack femininity. I still exude a very genuine feminine spirit... of classic and quiet strength (at least that is my hope). And in this moment, I felt that I needed to encourage that feminine nature to rise up and overcome my momentary frustration. To allow me to settle peacefully into my own moment and to force myself to be fully present in the moment in the way that I wanted to be. And I didn’t want to exhibit aggression or frustration. I wanted to exhibit steady, consistent beauty and unshakable-ness.
Now, it worked, I think. But I wonder if I wasn’t being real with myself... having to force a response that wasn’t natural. Hmmm...
"When a woman is relaxed in her feminine radiance, she is like beautiful music or a warm ocean breeze"... another quote from David Deida’s book, The Way of the Superior Man.
This week there were some instances of tension in my life and I felt myself falling into a more masculine response of aggression. And I felt like in that moment, I was losing my essence and my beauty. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a fairly masculine-ish woman... at least I think I am. I feel fairly level-headed about my emotions... I like to be covered in dirt... I spit (very well, by the way). But it doesn’t mean that I lack femininity. I still exude a very genuine feminine spirit... of classic and quiet strength (at least that is my hope). And in this moment, I felt that I needed to encourage that feminine nature to rise up and overcome my momentary frustration. To allow me to settle peacefully into my own moment and to force myself to be fully present in the moment in the way that I wanted to be. And I didn’t want to exhibit aggression or frustration. I wanted to exhibit steady, consistent beauty and unshakable-ness.
Now, it worked, I think. But I wonder if I wasn’t being real with myself... having to force a response that wasn’t natural. Hmmm...
Sunday, March 2, 2008
How To Tell If The Girl Is Not Interested: Part One
So, you go out on the first date. It seems great. You really like her. It seems like she might be into you, but you aren't too sure. She said yes to the second date... so she must be interested, right? No. Don't kid yourself.
She either truly is interested in you OR she feels pretty uncomfortable saying, 'I am completely disinterested in pursuing a relationship with you.' So, on the second date, she starts to employ a genius plan. This plan allows you, the date, to get a sense that the two of you really don't belong together - releasing her from the obligation to tell you that she's not into you. Here are the tell-tale signs that this is occurring.
Note: the following situations have actually happened.
1. She calls you 'Buddy'.
2. After the first date, she doesn't call or text for a week.
3. She blatantly admits to wearing dirty clothes. Not just dirty clothes, but really, really needs-to-be-washed jeans.
4. She (forcefully) pays for the second date to release herself from feeling obligated to date you.
5. You ask her out for another date and she says, 'no' or gives you the old tight-lipped nod.
6. The conversation turns to how burly she is and naturally, how wimpy you are.
7. She talks about how she's still not over her ex.
8 You mention making out and she says, "Well, I don't know about that..."
9.The ultimate date-diss: she wears high-waisted pants.
10. She gives you her 'other' number - 719. 359. 8077
She either truly is interested in you OR she feels pretty uncomfortable saying, 'I am completely disinterested in pursuing a relationship with you.' So, on the second date, she starts to employ a genius plan. This plan allows you, the date, to get a sense that the two of you really don't belong together - releasing her from the obligation to tell you that she's not into you. Here are the tell-tale signs that this is occurring.
Note: the following situations have actually happened.
1. She calls you 'Buddy'.
2. After the first date, she doesn't call or text for a week.
3. She blatantly admits to wearing dirty clothes. Not just dirty clothes, but really, really needs-to-be-washed jeans.
4. She (forcefully) pays for the second date to release herself from feeling obligated to date you.
5. You ask her out for another date and she says, 'no' or gives you the old tight-lipped nod.
6. The conversation turns to how burly she is and naturally, how wimpy you are.
7. She talks about how she's still not over her ex.
8 You mention making out and she says, "Well, I don't know about that..."
9.The ultimate date-diss: she wears high-waisted pants.
10. She gives you her 'other' number - 719. 359. 8077
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Why Can’t the Dude Just...
am not interested in turning every male friendship into a relationship! DO YOU HEAR ME PEOPLE??? Friendship between the sexes can't be underestimated. It's so comfortable and nice to be able to call your friend over for dinner and a little TV watching without the pressure that one of you is interested in the other. Freaking A... it's a pattern. Why can't a dude just stick to friendship without pushing the 'maybe we should date' card?
If I'm interested in him, he damn well knows it. And if I'm not, then he's probably trying to persuade himself that my friendly attempts are actually invitation to pursue something bigger. Why can't a dude just be happy with a friendship? Why's it always gotta be about sucking face?
If I'm interested in him, he damn well knows it. And if I'm not, then he's probably trying to persuade himself that my friendly attempts are actually invitation to pursue something bigger. Why can't a dude just be happy with a friendship? Why's it always gotta be about sucking face?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Fear
When I was very little, I wasn't afraid of much. Spiders and snakes were just fine by me. I thrived at heights I only reached by way of a tree trunk. I loved being covered in mud and running around out under the lightning-clad sky. But I remember having a huge and very significant fear that I would lose someone that I loved. I had dreams of myself crying and being completely lost. And I never knew who it was that died. But I knew that someone had left my life.
Years later, I found myself married to a man with a very serious, life-threatening condition. And I faced this fear head on. I turned directly to God and He made me Strength... I was a compass, a pillar, and an anchor. And all was well. Yet, years later, when this relationship hadn't recovered from the wound of sickness, I bailed.
Today, I know that this man's days could be counted. Is it weeks? Is it months that he has here? Yesterday, I watched him walk to his front door. And a lump filled my throat. There wasn't quite enough room for a full breath. He fumbled for his keys. And I choked back tears. It occurred to me that my greatest fear was here - staring me in the face. Months ago, when everything had fallen to pieces, did I consider this? Did I leave because I couldn't bear the pain of him leaving me by way of death? And if so, what kind of a person would leave a dying man by the side of the road like that? Me, I guess.
I don't really know if this was part of the sub-conscious in my decision-making process to divorce. God, I hope not. This thought rips me open... not just a little tear... but rips me open - liver and lungs exposed to the air, intestines spilling out onto the floor. I know that's not who I am. And God doesn't define me like that, even if it did play a part in the decision.
But here it is - Today. And Today is the only time I have to give or to change or to grow. Who knows if Tomorrow will come at all - for me or for the ones I love?
Years later, I found myself married to a man with a very serious, life-threatening condition. And I faced this fear head on. I turned directly to God and He made me Strength... I was a compass, a pillar, and an anchor. And all was well. Yet, years later, when this relationship hadn't recovered from the wound of sickness, I bailed.
Today, I know that this man's days could be counted. Is it weeks? Is it months that he has here? Yesterday, I watched him walk to his front door. And a lump filled my throat. There wasn't quite enough room for a full breath. He fumbled for his keys. And I choked back tears. It occurred to me that my greatest fear was here - staring me in the face. Months ago, when everything had fallen to pieces, did I consider this? Did I leave because I couldn't bear the pain of him leaving me by way of death? And if so, what kind of a person would leave a dying man by the side of the road like that? Me, I guess.
I don't really know if this was part of the sub-conscious in my decision-making process to divorce. God, I hope not. This thought rips me open... not just a little tear... but rips me open - liver and lungs exposed to the air, intestines spilling out onto the floor. I know that's not who I am. And God doesn't define me like that, even if it did play a part in the decision.
But here it is - Today. And Today is the only time I have to give or to change or to grow. Who knows if Tomorrow will come at all - for me or for the ones I love?
Friday, February 8, 2008
Obligation Dating
A first date... not the time for a primo restaurant. If I am out on a first date at a nice place, you can expect that I order almost the cheapest thing on the menu. I probably don't order a drink. And I'm sitting there in a beautiful dress thinking... "Wow... this is so fake." Being in this nice restaurant leads me to talk about things that can keep me personally distant... You want to get to know me? Well, not tonight!
Sit me down somewhere that I can eat with chopsticks or at a sports bar and I'm there to enjoy myself. I'll order whatever I want. I'll get a drink... maybe two. I'm wearing clothes that I feel most myself in and I'll probably get into conversations about environmentalism, God's grace, or other things that capture my heart and help me define who I am.
Not only that, but if someone takes me out to a nice restaurant and pays... I feel obligated to give him a second date if he asks. The way I see it, if he's paying big bucks to feed me delicious food, the least I can do is oblige him to a second date regardless of how uninterested I am in him.
Nicer restaurants are for celebrations with the man you love. I feel beautiful and adored. We already know each other so well, that we can be comfortable here. It doesn't matter how much we spend because it is a celebration of our relationship.
Now, if only I could fill up on a great dinner and happily bid him adieu. Would I be more content? Aaaagh.
Sit me down somewhere that I can eat with chopsticks or at a sports bar and I'm there to enjoy myself. I'll order whatever I want. I'll get a drink... maybe two. I'm wearing clothes that I feel most myself in and I'll probably get into conversations about environmentalism, God's grace, or other things that capture my heart and help me define who I am.
Not only that, but if someone takes me out to a nice restaurant and pays... I feel obligated to give him a second date if he asks. The way I see it, if he's paying big bucks to feed me delicious food, the least I can do is oblige him to a second date regardless of how uninterested I am in him.
Nicer restaurants are for celebrations with the man you love. I feel beautiful and adored. We already know each other so well, that we can be comfortable here. It doesn't matter how much we spend because it is a celebration of our relationship.
Now, if only I could fill up on a great dinner and happily bid him adieu. Would I be more content? Aaaagh.
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