Fear

When I was very little, I wasn't afraid of much. Spiders and snakes were just fine by me. I thrived at heights I only reached by way of a tree trunk. I loved being covered in mud and running around out under the lightning-clad sky. But I remember having a huge and very significant fear that I would lose someone that I loved. I had dreams of myself crying and being completely lost. And I never knew who it was that died. But I knew that someone had left my life.

Years later, I found myself married to a man with a very serious, life-threatening condition. And I faced this fear head on. I turned directly to God and He made me Strength... I was a compass, a pillar, and an anchor. And all was well. Yet, years later, when this relationship hadn't recovered from the wound of sickness, I bailed.

Today, I know that this man's days could be counted. Is it weeks? Is it months that he has here? Yesterday, I watched him walk to his front door. And a lump filled my throat. There wasn't quite enough room for a full breath. He fumbled for his keys. And I choked back tears. It occurred to me that my greatest fear was here - staring me in the face. Months ago, when everything had fallen to pieces, did I consider this? Did I leave because I couldn't bear the pain of him leaving me by way of death? And if so, what kind of a person would leave a dying man by the side of the road like that? Me, I guess.

I don't really know if this was part of the sub-conscious in my decision-making process to divorce. God, I hope not. This thought rips me open... not just a little tear... but rips me open - liver and lungs exposed to the air, intestines spilling out onto the floor. I know that's not who I am. And God doesn't define me like that, even if it did play a part in the decision.

But here it is - Today. And Today is the only time I have to give or to change or to grow. Who knows if Tomorrow will come at all - for me or for the ones I love?

Obligation Dating

A first date... not the time for a primo restaurant. If I am out on a first date at a nice place, you can expect that I order almost the cheapest thing on the menu. I probably don't order a drink. And I'm sitting there in a beautiful dress thinking... "Wow... this is so fake." Being in this nice restaurant leads me to talk about things that can keep me personally distant... You want to get to know me? Well, not tonight!

Sit me down somewhere that I can eat with chopsticks or at a sports bar and I'm there to enjoy myself. I'll order whatever I want. I'll get a drink... maybe two. I'm wearing clothes that I feel most myself in and I'll probably get into conversations about environmentalism, God's grace, or other things that capture my heart and help me define who I am.

Not only that, but if someone takes me out to a nice restaurant and pays... I feel obligated to give him a second date if he asks. The way I see it, if he's paying big bucks to feed me delicious food, the least I can do is oblige him to a second date regardless of how uninterested I am in him.

Nicer restaurants are for celebrations with the man you love. I feel beautiful and adored. We already know each other so well, that we can be comfortable here. It doesn't matter how much we spend because it is a celebration of our relationship.

Now, if only I could fill up on a great dinner and happily bid him adieu. Would I be more content? Aaaagh.

Ecclesi-HMMMM...

Everything that can be done is meaningless. Nothing matters, so the best we can do is enjoy our days - eat, drink, and find joy in our daily work. I'm sure many people would disagree. In fact, I think I disagree! What a hopeless statement - perhaps from someone who has lost everything - who has nothing left to lean on.

In fact, these potent statements come from Ecclesiastes - yep, the Bible. And the assumed author is Solomon - a man of wisdom and stature - a king with everything he needs at his disposal.

I grew up believing that the entire Bible was the word of God, breathed into man. Yet, these don't seem like something God would say. How do I know that God intended these human musings to be a part of the collection of ideas that became known as the Holy Bible? Frankly, it sounds like the thoughts I've written in journals... the thoughts I've reflected on throughout my lifetime.

What about this? "A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything." Oh really? 1 Timothy says money plunges men into ruin and destruction. So who is right? Solomon or Paul? If the ENTIRE Bible is the inspired word of God, then wouldn't they match up? And why isn't this verse included in the concordance? Because someone knew it didn't match up and they didn't want to make it very easy to find, right?

I don't doubt that God is God. I don't doubt that He has a tremendous and unshakable love for us. And I don't doubt his plan to deliver us from our own terrible choices and gripping vices. I believe that He has spoken and continues to speak into the lives of people who will listen. But is every word... each word that was dictated and translated and pondered and modified... the actual intent of God?

Ascent

I am no fantastic climber... but I do love it. What is it about climbing that is so attractive?

Maybe it's the serenity - ascending a rock... feeling the breeze on your back and the sun on your shoulders... friends laughing down below... the joy of sliding your fingers into the perfect pocket or positioning your fingers just right in a crack... finding a beautiful jug at just the right moment... hearing your own breath...

Most definitely it is the challenge - being just at the brink of tumbling towards the earth... getting pumped and pushing through it... learning to position your body... to place your feet and to trust that it's going to hold.... to utilize balance... learning to be creative and to not limit yourself... legs and arms beginning to shake... looking just a little bit further to find possibility. Where else can you put your life on the line in such an almost assuredly safe way?

And obviously, it's the beauty - the texture of limestone... the colors of the rock against the sky... the profile of a climber... the reflection of the sun from a quickdraw... the cloud of chalk as it's blown from a climber's hands... the smooth style of a master climber...

And at the end of the day, as I walk away from the routes with dusty feet and chalky... maybe even bloody hands, I know that I've spent my day in a beautiful way.

How To Not Get Tickled

I am a teacher. I get to hear kidstuff all day long. I get to see kids pick their boogers. I get to see them eat it. I get to hear them cry about being cut in line. I get to see them waddle off to the office to get a clean pair of pants. It really is a very thrilling life.

So this week, in the middle of a guitar lesson, one of my kids stops in the middle of a song, looks up at me, and says, "Hey... if someone says - 'Are you ticklish?' - you know they are going to tickle you no matter what you say. You say yes - you get tickled. You say no - you get tickled. The only way you don't get tickled is if you say, 'NO! I HAVE DIARRHEA!'. Right?"

Pure Genius.

My Pursuit

How does God not get sick of us? Well, I guess He does. The whole, "Hey, Noah, build an ark" thing and then there was that Ninevah situation. I'm wondering if God would let me know if He was sick of me. Maybe if I was listening a little better.

For my whole life, I've been the person who has known God and pursued Him wholeheartedly... then something happens and I back off. Am I a back-and-forther? Maybe I don't feel like it's worth it. I know it's worth it. But do I feel like it's worth it? And does it really matter how I feel? How I feel changes. So how much weight should I put in THAT? I've gone through periods of my life where much of the time, I'm thinking about and talking with God. And it's beautiful. He blasts His truth straight to the heart of me and it brings me to tears. Sometimes it has been something simple. I remember feeling one time that He painted the skies new each day for us. What a sign of love! I know many times in my life God has spoken to me - reassuring my heart, prompting me to pray, gently correcting me.

And then bit by bit, I begin to slack off and I forget how beautiful it was to be in contact with the One who knows me best. Will I ever be someone who pursues Him regardless of her situation in life? If I choose to. And if I don't, will I be convinced that I've spent my life well?

Birthday Beautiful

Birthdays... getting old for many people has come to mean very little. We shuffle by our birthdays forgetting the significance of a life lived in the midst of challenges and of utter beauty.

A birthday should really be a compilation of everything beautiful that makes your soul sing. And this is really the first birthday that has been a celebration of the things that fill my heart. There is almost nothing better than a beautifully planned surprise on your birthday and it rang true for me this year.

I was surprised with tickets to the Lyons Folk Festival. I was super stoked to see my favorite artist, Ray LaMontagne, but I didn't really have any idea what the day had in store. When we arrived, the beauty of this location was outstanding. There was an incredible rocky cliff with meandering cracks and brilliant green ivy creeping towards the sky. A shallow river lay at the base... warm water making it's way over large riverstones. Adults floated by on innertubes and children were busy building cairns with the polished rocks.

We filled our cups with Colorado beer and found a place to enjoy the music. Simplicity... it's underrated. A guitarist and his bass player. Gentle harmonies and lines of music crafted in such a way to pull at my heart. And as I looked around I saw life happening... young families playing in the sand, a grandmother with a friend - maybe a neighbor or a sister, young and carefree couples, and everyone filled their hearts with this music. Simple.

Then a raindrop. And a few more. The rain came quickly pouring a fresh layer of water over us. It's not worth hiding or covering up. So we laid back and we let our skin feel each solitary drop. It ran down our faces and dripped off our noses and as we laughed it trickled over our teeth. We were soaked and loving it. But just as welcome as the rain was the feel of the sunshine. Beautiful heat across my shoulders. And warm arms wrapped all around me.

Later on, the sun set and the music continued. Lights cast gentle light across the cliff and across the branches of the trees behind the stage. I leaned back against the chest of my fellow music adventurist. And he rested his chin on my shoulder. As the rain began again, I felt wonderfully sheltered... not just from the oncoming storm. Thunder rolled across the sky and lightning abolished the darkness for seconds at a time. I wouldn't have picked anywhere else to be.

The river, the storm, the rain, the sun, the music. Beauty, danger, warmth, peace, beer, and the possibility of a beautiful story to come... THAT was a birthday.