Simple As It Should Be

The Mediocre Stall

2011-11-12T19:20:00.003-07:00

I've been an avid Everything-ist for a number of years. By this, I mean I have loved climbing and mountain biking and hiking and cooking and playing guitar and triathlons and skiing and yoga and road biking and scrapbooking. All of these things bring joy to my life in various ways. I feel a degree of accomplishment with each of these, too. Every one of these things I have delved into at various points in my life, forsaking all others to focus heavily on one or the other. But soon, my mind wanders to one of the other activities and I begin obsessing about the next wonderful thing.

Once I spend a couple months focusing on one, I feel confident and capable and above-average... and then this all goes away because I move on to something new. What has ended up happening is I am very mediocre at all of these. In fact, sometimes I feel like I downright suck at some of them. It makes me sad. I am beginning to think that I really want to be VERY good at something.

I like liking all these things. But I want to know everything about one of these and to have a high degree of skill in just one. It's just that... I don't know which one. I should probably choose one that I can do for the rest of my life. Yoga. And road biking. I will do those forever. But then in the winter, maybe I can focus on skiing. I don't know.

One of these days I will decide.

The Very Happiest Day

2011-11-04T21:40:00.000-06:00

The day, September 24th, was a remarkable day. It had snowed in Breckenridge the weekend before, but when we arrived, the weather was absolutely perfect. The temperature was in the low to mid-60's. The sun was out and the trees were beginning to change. Lots of people had come into town that weekend to see the beautiful weather and many strangers ended up being guests at our very special wedding.

The weekend had been so busy with so many loved ones around. Everyone worked so hard to make our wedding wishes come true. We had family preparing the rehearsal dinner, folks hanging paper lanterns in the reception room, and bridesmaids searching Breckenridge for the perfect wedding townie bike. I shuffled from one event to the next and all of a sudden it was the afternoon of our wedding day. And I was alone. I walked down Main Street wearing a summery halter dress and trailing my veil from a bag I carried over my shoulder. The cool breeze and hot fall sun made me super happy. I stopped to get a sandwich at the patisserie, a bottle of wine at the the liquor store, and a toy for Wyatt at the pet store.

The people of Breckenridge made this day so marvelous. The man at the liquor store added a little bonus to my bag. The tourists smiled and waved as we passed by in our wedding garb. The man in the rickshaw offered to pedal me to the ceremony site... right up to my dear grandfather who was waiting to walk me down the aisle. Their kindness was too much for me to take in that moment.

I walked across the bridge at the Riverwalk with my grandfather who handed me off to my father who walked me down to Adam. We got married right at the stone steps that overlook the Blue River. The sun was in its full glory, lighting up the trees and giving the perfect glow to my veil. The sunlight glistened off the water and I had never felt such a beautiful day before in all my life. Townspeople and tourists gathered at the opposite side of the bank to witness our ceremony. It was truly remarkable.

And this is what I said to my love that day:"I, Stephanie, take you, Adam, to be my husband, God's precious gift to me. You are my constant friend, my faithful partner in our lifelong adventure, and my one true love.On this day, in the presence of God and all our family and friends, I give to you my pledge to stay by your side. To love you faithfully, to trust you and honor youthrough the best and worst of times.I promise to love you without reservation,to comfort you in times of distress,to encourage you to achieve all of your goals,to laugh with you and cry with you,and to always be open and honest with you.May we daily be prepared for God’s own divine purposes. I will love you today, tomorrow, and forever."

Eric, our pastor, gave a very touching closing remark at the end of the ceremony. One that I will always remember. And after a very joyous kiss and backwards dip, we left the ceremony site as man and wife. All of our completely wonderful friends and family followed through with our request to bring silly props: wax lips, feather boas, patriotic hats, funny sunglasses; and we headed around for a loop of Breckenridge. It was such a fun way to start off the party - we love-love-loved it.

Adam and I snuck away to a grassy hill and sat together for a wonderful moment before we came in to the reception. We ate and danced and toasted and I smashed cake in my love's face. And it was a wonderful, wonderful day. Many thanks to all the very, very special people who made our wedding such a delight. We love you and miss you every single day.

Rain, Rain, Rain

2011-09-09T10:55:00.001-06:00

Well, today we are on day four of rain. For the most part, the rain has come and gone, but I would be surprised if it has been any longer than 90 minutes without a steady rain. This is very strange to me. I am used to afternoon rains and evening rains. I am perfectly happy during those typical Colorado rains-while-the-sun's-out rains. This is a rain I am entirely not used to.

School was cancelled today because of flooding, and while I thought that was strange, I am VERY glad about it. Wyatt and I walked down our normal route this morning and I was stunned to see what three days of rain and one torrential downpour did to our favorite morning walkway. The pathway leads down between some hills and leads to a long stretch of pathway called the Cross County Trail, which goes for 40 miles. I love this place. It is quiet and wooded. We've seen box turtles and snakes and little fish and deer back there. It's the best part of living where we live.

Today it was different. Sediment has piled up on the upstream side of footbridges. Water no longer flows underneath, but over the footbridges. Last time we walked over these bridges,

there was a two to three foot drop on either side. Normally, these footbridges just see a trickle of water flowing underneath just after a rain. I wish these pictures were better, but they were taken with my soggy wet phone.

Entire hillsides were washed downstream. Massive trees that grew along the banks now have sediment washed away around them and many have fallen. This fallen tree is gigantic. I would bet it is 40 feet tall.

Wyatt and I crawled over and under branches to make our way to the other side. I got a little nervous at this point, knowing that another tree could fall and trap us. But Wyatt is smart. He would have gotten help. The rain changed from a sprinkle to a steady rain and I also got nervous about flash floods. We were moving downhill towards the river.

I've not ever been exposed to this kind of impact from a storm. It's very strange and yet, it's only a tiny example of the damage that happens in bigger storms. I am not sure I could ever fathom the damage from Hurricane Katrina or from the earthquakes in Haiti or Japan or the tornado that hit Joplin. It's amazing and terrifying all at once.

The Virginia Life... AKA The New Normal

2011-08-04T18:07:00.003-06:00

Having been in Virginia now for just over a month, I feel more established and ready to proceed with the things that are required for Virginia living. It is clear that living here requires me to expand my definition of living a bit. I suppose that's part of the essence of being human... adaptation. Part of this new definition involves living in a completely new area and some of it is based on my new life with Adam.

The New Normal still involves being me and loving the things that I love, but a few changes here and there have made it nice to be here.

* Across the street, we go each night to walk the dog and to see the three baby fawns that lost their mother earlier this week. They are small and quiet and they always stay together. They graze in the empty baseball field just above the wooded nature trail.

* We frequent our favorite restaurant (so far), conveniently 1/3 mile from our house. Kanjana Thai serves a to-die-for Tom Kha soup. A creamy, sweet, spicy, and sour soup with mushrooms, chicken, and coconut milk. Ignoring the fact that the signs for women's and men's bathrooms are slightly inappropriate, it is a beacon of happiness in our neighborhood.

* On Thursdays, a group of seemingly adult 20-somethings with sweat bands across their brow meet under the power lines near our house to engage in epic battles with shields and padded battery sticks. They are the sort that you could imagine engaging in a life of video game challenges. Some of them have the ultimate weapon... a sort of stick with a padded ball at the end of a rope. A medieval flail it is called. The ice cream man always stops by to watch and to pad his wallet. It's entertainment.

* A beautiful new television sits mostly off. It's nice, actually. We don't have cable and have been able to spend more time with fitness and making wedding preparations and just sharing our new life together.

* Starting a new life with Adam has encouraged me to bump up the responsibility I accept for my own life. I am staying on top of bills and have actually attended doctor's appointments for me and for Wyatt. Strange that I am almost 32 and it took moving here to accomplish that.

* I haven't rushed here. In Colorado, my life was full of responsibilities and commitments. I rushed from one thing to the next with barely any time to be intentional about my actions or words. My main concern was just getting everything done. Here, I can even take time to plan meals and to cook. The new normal involves having a shelf in my refrigerator which holds everything that we want to eat soon before it spoils. Some might call it Type A. I just call it a refreshing new way to organize. I've even bathed my dog twice this month.

* I was told when I moved here, I would spend time talking about the best way to get somewhere. Boy, is that true! I take one way to work and a different way home from work to try to avoid the ever-so-dreaded and frightfully common traffic backup.

* Checking the weather has never been so important to me as it is here. I change my plans based on the heat. Heat almost never prevented me from what I wanted to do in Colorado. Here, the new normal includes following the heat's advice of when to come outside and when to just hole up inside.

These are just some of the wonderful things involved in our new life in Virginia. I am excited to add to it. It's a beautiful life.

Home

2011-07-06T08:25:00.003-06:00

I've always been enamored by the thought of "home".

You know how musicians create moments of tension... dissonance? It's that moment that harmonies clash. The balance between this dissonance and a more stable consonance is one of the things that makes music so intriguing. The resolution of that conflict is gorgeous. This is how I feel about home. All the challenges of the day have been fought - the unchosen strife or self-imposed contests, and home is the place where all is resolved. You are comfortable and nourished. You have a cozy place to rest and loved ones close by.

I have been in Virginia now for a week. The food is exceptional. I love it that chain restaurants are in the minority. I love the rivers and bays that are so close by. I love the history of the area and the wonderful patriotism. There are good things and so many more to discover. I remember the first time Adam I took the metro to King Street. It was wonderful... drizzly with the streets lit up so beautifully. Delicious crab cakes and brews at a local tavern with live bluegrass. Lovely.

Now, Colorado. It's hard not to be sad about having left. In Colorado, there is something called fresh air that I miss very much. I can't quite figure it out, but Virginia smells different. Maybe it is the humidity or the lush trees. All I can say is that I would pay money every day to breathe the cool, dry, piney air of Colorado.

The roads here are different, too. Very few roads run just two cardinal directions. Most go north and south in certain places and east and west in others. Many change names multiple times and when you think a road might have ended, you just take a left and pick it back up a quarter mile or so down the road. Often, you will turn off of a road to stay on it. In Colorado, for the most part, there is one main way that you would take to get somewhere. Here, there are three or four main ways you could get somewhere and another five alternate routes you could take and all of those will be congested. I do love the trees here. They are everywhere. But this also means that most of the roadways look the same. Unless there is a building right up along the road, you can pretty much guarantee that trees will obscure it all. It makes it that much harder to navigate.

Last, the Colorado music scene is incredible. I don't think I realized this until I left. Especially summer. You can guarantee Colorado will be packed with amazing artists all summer long. Here, there are lots of venues, but a different type of musician comes here. I miss it. Lots.

It doesn't feel like home yet. I don't think it ever will. Regardless, I will eat up every minute of this place, loving it as much as I can until I leave.

Lucky Lady!

2011-06-01T22:28:00.004-06:00

Since mid-March, life has flown by and I've neglected to mention the most exciting news of all. Adam and I are engaged! My love asked me to marry him on March 24 while we were walking along the National Mall, right at the foot of the Washington Monument. Adam had the ring sent to the hotel. He suggested we go to see the monuments lit up, so we took the Metro to DC and ran between the monuments. We only had a short time until the Metro stopped running, so we had to move it. It was a wonderful evening. We celebrated our engagement at the Hard Times Cafe near our house. It was the only place open and the name made us laugh.

I really should be more eloquent about the whole event, but what I really want to say is how wonderful Adam is. I am far too blessed for words. Adam is an incredible man... consistent, dedicated, wise, loving, gentle, encouraging. He has strong morals. He is patriotic and adventurous. He is athletic and positive. I am excited for the life ahead and incredibly thrilled to be spending it with Adam.

I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Leaving It Behind

2011-06-01T15:41:00.003-06:00

I walked out the door today, arms filled with a box of assorted office what-cha-ma-call-its, a treasured book, a picture of me and my dear Adam, and a little vase filled with three beautiful fake flowers that has kept my desk cheerful and maintenance-free for the last six years. It really just seems like any other day today. But it's not. Today is tearfully different. Today is the day I say goodbye to the school that lead to my growth as a teacher. It's the school that saw me through a rough patch and watched me meet my soon-to-be husband. It's the school that I poured heart and soul into for six wonderful years.

I couldn't let go of the feeling that I was leaving something behind. I looked up and down the hallways and although I could see nothing that I was forgetting to take with me, the weighted feeling that I was missing something important remained. I went to complete my last task - boxing up some paperwork that was to be shredded. And I realized it was the final mission I would take on for this school.

I've taken on a number of missions, miniscule and monumental, for this organization. Some I couldn't wait to have off my plate and some I heartfully struggled to step away from. It is important to me that my efforts make a positive impact on a school and not just a little impact, but a huge, lasting, magnificent crater.

And with this thought, I realized what I was leaving behind. I was leaving behind myself. It was nothing that I could wrap in tissue paper or package in bubble wrap. It was nothing that I could take away from this school at all. It was the contribution left by hours of dedication and love for the students of this place. Through my bleary eyes, I realized that the magnificent moments that changed my heart and the hearts of my students... the beautiful moments in which a student believed that maybe something difficult was actually possible and that it was within them to achieve it... were what I left. These moments travel on in my mind, in my heart, and in the hearts and minds of my incredible students. I'm grateful that these moments live on and I can only hope that they will be magnified by the choices of my kids.

The next chapter is vague and unknown. But this is one thing that will continue no matter where I go. I want my life to publish hope. Always.

Sweet Satisfaction

2011-04-15T21:51:00.003-06:00

They say that satisfaction comes from a hard day's work. True. That's a pounding and thrilling feeling. That's an entirely unique form of satisfaction.

But, there is no satisfaction quite like the satisfaction that comes from a crispy, steamy-hot plate of fries and a refreshing, creamy-cool shake. Salty all along the edges and warm starchy deliciousness of seasoned potatoes bursting from inside. And JUST before it tips over to dry or too salty... the heavenly chill of sugary, smooth creaminess. It's envigorating!

Satisfaction. What is it anyway? Contentment. The little "aahhhhh" after whatever grumble existed. But you can't forget that little grumble, right? If you forget it, then the satisfaction isn't quite what it could be. It's like knowing the breath of winter after the burn of summer or the touch of silence after the brutal scratch of a turbulent room. You have to remember the burn.

When things get really wonderful, and satisfaction sets in, forgetting the burn makes you lose the full wonder of the wonderful. Perspective. The adventure is so much more rich with all of it wrapped up in one exquisite box.

DC Adventure Begins

2011-03-23T20:45:00.005-06:00

Well, we made it 1,691 miles across the country driving a 16-foot moving van and pulling our very Colorado blue Subaru behind. There was no mistaking us for any mid-western city folk. We had three pairs of skis in the ski rack and two pretty rocking mountain bikes hanging off the back. There was no doubt. We are from Colorado.

This has been a huge mix of emotion for me. I am leaving everything. Everything except Adam. Because of this, there is a pile of excitement, a bushel of sadness, and a boatload of nervous expectation. It's hard to anticipate what any new experience will do with my psyche. I jumped in the Subaru as we pulled into Virginia - Adam driving the van as we left the car trailer behind in Frederick, MD.
I was super excited to change the clock in the Soob to eastern time and I scrolled through the radio stations to program the very best of 80's hits and bluegrass and classic rock. I didn't find a suitable KBCO substitute... yet. Nor will I, I imagine. This whole suiting-the-car-up-for-Virginia-living had a positive vibe to it.

Adam and I pulled into town, drove through the new neighborhood, met with our landlord, and headed out to find what we may decide to call our little corner of town. We jumped on the Metro (I say that cautiously... everything new takes precision and thoughtfulness)and decided to get off at King Street. The delicate white lights adorning the trees called us off the train. In fact, we passed the stop and came back to it because it was so appealing. We wandered down the puddle-patterned streets until we hit Tiffany Tavern. We'd read about it in the Lonely Planet guide to Washington, DC and decided to duck inside to have fish and chips and a crabcake sandwich. We were not let down. A small six-piece bluegrass band was set up at the front. The bar was filled with lone business travelers and east coast locals. The bricks and dark wooden beams showed all of the building's 120 years.
I ordered a Smithwick's, which I found out later at seedy little O'Shaugnessy's is correctly prounounced Smiddick's. It truly was a delightful way to spend our first night in DC. But for whatever reason, perhaps it was the familiar hum of bluegrass or the feeling of miles between me and my home, I got choked up. That's the polite way to say I pretty much bawled. It wasn't anything in particular I was thinking of... other than that I'm leaving my Colorado home. My quirky family, my unforgettable friends, my altitude, my microbrews, my raindrops on sunny days, my piles of snow, my abrupt Spring and Fall, my job, my students, my ski seasons, my mountain towns, my simple transit. Everything. Of course I will miss the Colorado people I love the most... my pillars of strength and my blankets of comfort.

I know there will be more adventures to have and more places to love and more friends to laugh with. But it's not that easy. You got to let go of allllllll of that awesomeness and bankrupt yourself for a little bit until you've got a little start to a foundation in a new place. I am not excited about that. I am excited, however, to start a life with the man I love. I am excited to learn a new place with him and to dream up new dreams and find ourselves in wonderful new places. We are lucky to have found each other and I can't wait to spend my days with him.

Pet Peeve #2

2011-02-04T23:00:00.003-07:00

Dear Long Hair Football Players:

You are totally disgusting. Your gross hair repulses me. I don't understand why you can't take your job seriously enough to keep a normal length of hair. Clay Matthews, I am talking to you. You were just on Leno and I wanted to rip your hair out of your scalp. You twirled it all around and when you whipped it back over your face, I saw your gross manly face peering out from long luxurious locks and I threw up in my mouth. Troy Polamalu, I am talking to you. I can't even imagine what foul creatures must be lurking behind those curls. You are repugnant and I wish some hoodlums would jump you and remove your hair with scissors.

Looming

2011-02-03T20:41:00.003-07:00

I used to lick the ice cream out of the bottom of my bowl. I wanted all the goodness. The yummy sweet delicious drops of melty, melty lllmmmmmuuhhh.

Therefore, it's hard for me to admit that I believe that really, really crappy things are bound to happen. Why do I think this? It's all these underlying ideas that linger around unpondered. Every now and then, this undetected anxiety pops up. It's like watching a scary movie. The music turns dark, someone wanders around ignorant of looming danger, and BOOM! Something terrible happens.

Of course, it's the hard times that make the sweet times that much sweeter. And I know what hard times are like. I know that they broaden your perspective. I know that your life becomes richer. I just don't want any more. And I don't want to feel like something is right around the corner.

I guess you take the good with the bad. Isn't that from The Facts of Life? I am in what I consider to be a good long stretch of good and I don't want anything to mess it up.

Success

2011-01-29T15:01:00.002-07:00

Being a teacher is interesting. I had begun getting frustrated with how poorly we pay teachers - especially good teachers. Good teachers are worth at least double their salary, and poor teachers about half. But Adam says we are public servants. What that means to me is that less of our reward is in the paycheck and more of it lies in seeing others meet challenges, seeing them succeed. And that's true.

I've never gotten emotional over a paycheck.

But I HAVE gotten emotional over seeing my students rise to the occasion. In my seven years of teaching, I have seen a number of students hit a wall. Frustration mounting. And suddenly, they pop up over the top of the wall. That feeling of success does not go away. That is lasting. I would hope that those experiences stick with my students in a way that it begins to define them. I want them to know that a challenge is a regular, expected life event and that each time they come up against a challenge, hard work and perseverance will win. And that they would begin to define their lives as successful, growing people.

I began storing these tales of success in my memory. Stacking each story next to the one before. But they are beginning to moosh together. So here is success story number one:

I have a student who struggles in reading. She was scoring about a year and a half behind her grade level. Sometimes there is a quick fix for academic issues. But sometimes these issues respond to obscure solutions... and finding that solution is like finding a needle in a haystack. I hoped that something would click with her, and it appeared like it had. So, I gave her an assessment. Her assessment showed no growth from the previous year. How could this be? NO growth? We had been working so hard. I began to feel ineffective and hopeless. I can only imagine what she must have been feeling. I didn't want to believe that no growth had taken place, so I administered the tests again, this time having her use the strategies we used in our reading group. She FLEW through it. Not just with partial success but with full, bold, torrential success. I took the assessments to her classroom teacher and I could barely manage to show the results without getting choked up. Something WORKED. And it isn't just working on assessments, it's working in her LIFE. And that is what matters. A shining beam of success to motivate her to not give up. Glorious.

And that's why I love my job.

On the Brink

2011-01-05T00:32:00.003-07:00

Well, here it is 2011. Insane, right? You know what this means? 2022 is just around the corner. 2011 is here and it's bringing with it all sorts of crazy action. I am right on the brink of so many changes. I am poised to get my administrators license so I'm thinking about jobs and whether I think I'm capable or not. I used to be so confident and now I don't know for sure. I'm looking forward to the changes of 2011. They're all scary. And they're all exciting. It's the not-knowing that's so scary, but the fright I have is worth all the possibilities that might be.

I'm very excited. I'm inches from getting my Master's. I have a great job and a fantastic family. And I'm in love. It's all quite good.

Glenwood Triathlon

2010-09-19T14:26:00.011-06:00

Well, I did it. I am a triathlete.

On September 11, Adam and I spent the day in Glenwood Springs looking at the route. Adam repaired the brakes on his road bike. We drove up I-70 along the bike route and we biked the run route. We went to the hot springs pool and swam some laps. And this is where Adam learned that I have never learned to dive.

In Adam's opinion, I am not to be considered as a potential mate unless I know how to dive. So... he taught me. It seriously was difficult to get comfortable with the idea of toppling upside down as my body hurtles through the air. I don't care if I AM landing in water. It didn't feel right. Anyway, after twenty or so various jumps, leaps, and falls into the water, I did it.

The next morning, we got up early and ate peanut butter and banana wraps, drank coffee, made sure we pooped (this is very important to do, which is why it's worth mentioning) and got our bags packed up to head to our transition. My start time was 7:45 and Adam's was 8:35.

We entered transition, set our bikes up and laid out our towels below. I set out my clothes for the transitions and made sure I taped some nutrition to my bike. We checked in and got our body markings and it was time to start! I awkwardly put on my swim cap and found my start position in the pool.

The swim was exciting! I didn't get kicked and punched as much as I thought I would. The swim was pretty smooth. I found out later that I was in a huge pack of swimmers... our heat didn't spread out as much as it probably should have. The first half lap was rough. I was trying to get used to the feeling of being in a big pack of people. I tried to maximize my stroke, but I didn't feel like I was getting the output that I was getting when I practiced alone in a lane. Before I knew it, I was on the seventh length of the 100+ meter pool. I momentarily freaked out, not remembering if I was on the last length, so I yelled for Adam and at first, he told me to go another lap. But he chased me down and let me know that it really was my last length.

The transition was ok. I wanted to get dried off so I could put my bike/run tank on, but it still got all twisted. I think I will probably just swim in it next time. Although, it was pretty cold that morning. I had some water and rinsed the mineral water off my face and arms. The day before, we had noticed how itchy it was, so I was glad to get it off my skin before the bike. The bike was awesome. Besides almost falling over when I got on it, it was smooth. We biked up I-70 for 7.5 miles. I got to the turn-around 20 minutes after I started, which was WAY faster than I thought it should have been. I remember seeing the exit for the turn-around and thinking how nice it would be to have the wind at my back for the return ride. I don't know what I was thinking because as soon as I turned around, the wind was crazy in my face. The entire way back, there was no rest from the wind. And as Adam had decided from our car ride the day before - the bike was uphill on the way back to Glenwood. I came within about a mile of the exit and saw Adam starting his bike portion. I have to admit, I had thought of messing with his back brake to slow him down, but decided against it. Tee-hee. I'm no cheater. That's for sure.

As I came into transition two, I realized I couldn't feel my toes and my legs were a little shaky. But I changed quickly into my running shoes and headed out. I had tried to eat while on the bike, but the gummy things I had were too chewy, so I really didn't end up eating much of anything at all during the race. The first third of a mile was all uphill and it certainly felt weird after having gotten off the bike. I ran over the bridge over I-70, circled the block of the Hotel Denver, getting a quick look at the finish line. I ran fairly well. There were two times I stopped to walk for one minute, but other than that, I felt fantastic. The run went so well. I was so excited coming into the finish.

a>This was the culmination of months of hard work. Of learning to use powerful strokes in the swim. Of practicing how to hold my body on the bike. Of mile after mile of forcing myself to run. Of learning to hold my hips higher in the water and to breathe and to streamline my body position. And this right here was it. I thought back to the last two hours and 14 minutes of the race and it seemed like I had only just started. I was energetic and excited. And I knew then that if I could, I would go back and push a little harder. I would try to get out of that pack of swimmers. I would get that first transition faster. And I would push it a little more on the run. But the overwhelming feeling was that I had worked hard. It had nothing to do with anyone else. Just my own drive and my own motivation to learn something new and to do well. And here I was. I did it.

I have never felt like that. I am extremely proud of all the hard work I put into achieving such an unfamiliar goal. And now I can't stop. I am thrilled to do my next one. I ended up 91st out of 140-some women. And out of 28 first-timers, I was 14th. Not bad. I was fairly competitive with some of my times. I know I can get every leg faster. I'm hoping to get within the top 33% next time. I will do it. That's for sure.

Being Alone

2010-09-06T22:11:00.003-06:00

Being alone has its benefits and its setbacks. That's for certain. But it's recently become clear to me how some people are seriously unable to function in alone-ity. Maybe it's their personality or a way of living they've developed that works for them. To me, though, being alone is a fact of life. It's a great opportunity to challenge yourself... to learn something new... to really get to know more about what it is that makes you tick. It takes a long time to get to know yourself, I think. And when we cloud that up with being with other people non-stop, we miss out on great opportunities to grow.

I'm not saying I'm a recluse. I love being around other people. Being alone too much isn't great for me. But neither is being with people all the time. What makes me tick is a healthy balance of the two.

What it comes down to for me is this: we simply aren't guaranteed that anyone will be by our side at any point in our lives. Any person I hold dear can be taken from me in an instant. It's happened before. It will happen again. It's just how life is. So, it's important to establish a healthy independence. To be alone. And present in the moment. To stretch outside of our comfort zones.

This weekend a friend of Adam's went camping by herself. Maybe there were moments of excitement or peace or fear. But there is nothing else that can teach her what this weekend may have taught her. Three cheers for Miss Reeves. Setting out to be alone and independent and to enjoy the day for what it brings. It's a lesson that I believe every female needs. A girl needs to know that even if she loses everything... she will still be just fine.

Adam's Homecoming!

2010-08-08T21:55:00.003-06:00

I can't believe it. The day is almost here. I am so excited, I can hardly stand it. Living far, far, far away from someone you love isn't easy in some ways, but it's also not hard. It's not fun having to rely on Skype and mailing packages and talking on the phone to maintain a relationship. But it's a WHOLE lot better than just scrapping the whole relationship. I am so happy that we are almost together again.

I guess I've sort of gotten used to having him gone. Right before he left, I wondered what it would be like with him gone and I wasn't sure I knew how to DO that kind of a relationship. And now here we are on the other side and sometimes I wonder what it will be like with him back. Every now and then I wonder if I will know how to do that kind of relationship. This new, "hey, he lives in my same city", thing.

We've handled these transitions so well and I am super proud to be his lady. We've been planning 100 things to do with each other. All the things we missed out on during his deployment. It's catch-up time. One of the first things... cliff jumping. ;)

Deep Thoughts from a Bum

2010-07-26T16:33:00.003-06:00

I was walking downtown with my dog today. As I passed a man with a scraggly beard and a knit cap...

HIM - "That dog looks better than me."
ME - giggle
HIM - "It's not funny."

The end.

I'm A Real Swimmer

2010-07-22T23:33:00.002-06:00

So, you know when you finally get recognized for doing something that up to a certain point you'd never been recognized for before? For example, you've trained to be a teacher for years and you get your first job. People start to take you seriously and at some point, they begin to believe that you know what you are doing.

Some guy at the gym recognized me as... a swimmer. He came over while I was doing laps and asked to share a lane with me. He asked me about my form and I gave him some drills to run and told him about rolling his body to the side to streamline his form. WHAT?!???! Three months ago, I nearly had a heart attack doggie-paddling my way across the pool. And today I just gave someone swimming tips. How does that happen? It feels great... I have to say.

It's the same feeling I got when I began developing confidence on skis. The whole realization that, no, I am not the most terrible skier on the mountain today. Lucky me. It's that contradiction your mind encounters when someone else's reality doesn't quite line up with your own. For my whole life, I have NOT been a swimmer, but for whatever reason, in his reality I AM a swimmer.

It's a good day.

Dear Burger King:

2010-07-22T17:37:00.003-06:00

Please do not put creepy pictures of stupid Robert Patterson (or whoever he is - vampire boy) on my cup. He has a gross look on his face and it makes me want to run away. I would prefer pictures of Jude Law or Jake Gyllenhall. Thank you.

Wow. Statue.

2010-07-09T17:10:00.003-06:00

Dear Church That Just Erected a Statue:

Here's what I think about you: you wasted a bunch of money. Honestly, I think as long as people have need, a church has no business wasting money on stupid stuff like statues or stained glass windows. It's one thing if it was donated, but if you bought that thing... what a shame. The only thing God cares anything about is our hearts. He would rather have the love of one person than a ridiculous piece of metal.

Maybe somebody created it as an act of worship or to show gratitude. I get that. That makes sense. So, please tell me that's where it came from. Please tell me someone created it out of love and to honor the freedom God has brought to their lives. Please tell me it was donated. Just please don't tell me that you took money from some family to purchase this disturbingly gigantic statue. Unnecessary.

Imaginary Conversations: Part II

2010-07-07T23:00:00.000-06:00

You know, when I go to a pool to sit in the sunshine and splash around in the water, I don't want to be around overly-excited children. It is my job to be around children and sometimes I want a no-kid zone of sanity and serenity. So, I went to the pool with Hailee today. This pool was the epitome of adult time: peace. and. quiet.

That was until Mr. Important Pants came. Hailee and I had been sitting for maybe two minutes when he approached us to ask if the seat next to us was taken. Now, let me set the scene. There are probably at least 100 chairs around this pool of which 14 were filled with coconut-smelling soft-tushied human beings.

If he wanted to sit there, I wasn't going to shoo him away. Until I discovered his terribly annoying habit. He sat down and called someone - a short conversation. Meanwhile I am reading RtI From All Sides, by Mary Howard. Good summer reading, I know. I really was attempting to concentrate. He hangs up with the first person and calls a second, this time talking about how he saw his brother on a commercial. He's not just talking in a regular voice: It's irritatingly loud. After a few minutes on that phone call, lucky him... his brother calls.

Guy - "Dude, were you on a commercial recently? I totally just saw you on a commercial. You were golfing and then there was one shot of you with a woman. Awesome, dude."

Me - "Shut up, please."

Guy - "That's so crazy. So when did you shoot that commercial?"

Me - "Please shut up."

Guy - "Yeah. So weird to see my brother on a commercial. Have you been shooting a lot of commercials?"

Me - "It is rude to have loud conversations when you are 1)in a restaurant, 2)in an airplane, 3)sitting next to people trying to relax near a pool. Shut up."

Guy - "You were golfing. And then with a woman."

Me - "I think he knows what he was doing in his commercial, numbskull."

It goes on like this for a while. Then he gets off the phone and immediately turns to me talking about how his brother was on a commercial. He was assuming I had overheard his conversation, WHICH I HAD. How much of that conversation was him really sharing with his brother how excited he was to see the commercial and how much of it was him trying to make sure I heard that his brother was on a commercial?

Me - "OHHHHhhhh, Stranger! You are SO IMPRESSIVE. COME HERE AND LET ME SIT ON YOUR LAP WHILE YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR AMAZING BROTHER WHO WAS GOLFING AND WITH A WOMAN IN A COMMERCIAL!!!! What do you THINK I am going to think after overhearing your obnoxiously LOUD conversation? Do I really care your brother is in a commercial? No. Will I want to start up a conversation with you about it after being obligated to listening to you talk about it for twenty minutes? No. I want you to go jump in a lake. In fact, give me that cell phone (chuck cell phone). Perfect. Go away."

Community, Family, and the FBI

2010-06-29T20:42:00.000-06:00

Eric has been talking in church about community and the importance of investing in three different layers of relationships: the close, intimate relationships such as family and very close friends; the typical friendships or acquaintances; and the chance meetings. I am so bad at being intentional about building and maintaining relationships. I let important events slide by without giving them the honor due.

Last weekend, I went out to lunch with my grandparents. I am so lucky to have them near. They have gone to lengths to help raise me and to support me and Rob when he was sick. I am so grateful for their influence in my life. Yet, I don’t really communicate or spend the time I want to spend with them. It takes intention, doesn’t it? It takes not letting a thought pass by without a phone call. I really value my family. My parents and grandparents. My wonderful aunts and uncles and the cousins spread halfway across the country that I’ve known since I was born. Those are special relationships.

I was just in the coffee shop reading and preparing for a paper I am about to write. A man came in with his daughter, who was in her early teens. They shared some cold coffee drinks and sat and talked about life. They had Bibles and were talking about the importance of knowing scripture and letting it resonate and sink into their minds and hearts. Then they sat and played board games together. It was beautiful. It wasn’t quick. It was intentional. His mentorship in her life will make a difference. It impressed me so much and it stuck with me. This girl will remember these precious times her dad set aside for the two of them.

We are tricked into believing that the people we love will always be around. But truly, we know deep down they won’t. The present time is the time we’ve been given. I want to be more intentional about honoring my love for my family by spending time with them and communicating with them more.

When I was at lunch with my grandparents, they told me stories about when Granddad was in graduate school. They lived in St. Louis. I loved to hear about their living situations the first year there. The first apartment was about 10x12 with a restroom that also had a clothes washer. There was a door from this room that went straight outside. They shared this with a family who lived on the other side of a cardboard divider. Grams decorated with paper curtains. A man moved in a few months later that liked to cook with garlic all the time, so they moved to a new apartment. I didn’t hear too much about this second apartment. The third one, though, was on Cabanne street in St. Louis. It was a big mansion divided into a number of apartments. It was a far cry from the tiny space they occupied earlier in the year. It had a Murphy bed that folded out of the wall and a separate dressing room and nice kitchen. Their apartment had previously been the library of the mansion. It had big, beautiful windows that looked out to the front lawn. The story went on to talk about them learning that the rest of the occupants of the house were supporters of communism. The KKK would light crosses on their front lawn and the FBI moved in to their apartment after they left so they could overhear communist radio broadcasts coming from the apartment next door.

This was the highlight of my week.

Imaginary Conversations Part I

2010-06-18T13:09:00.006-06:00

I constantly have imaginary conversations. Like this morning, I pulled up to fill up my car with gas. Across the lane was a man filling up his white Hummer.

Me: Excuse me.
Guy: Uhhh... yeah.
Me: Two questions. One, is that your Hummer? And, if it is, what made you decide to buy it?
Guy: Uh... well... YEAH. IT IS MY HUMMER. And... I WANT IT, so get out of here before I shove your nosy little self into the exit only side of this gas pump.
Me: You're a freak.

When I see someone who drives a Hummer, I automatically assume that he (because 90% of the time, it's going to be a 'he') is a chach. I honestly do not understand the thought process that goes into buying a Hummer. Everything about that vehicle screams "UNNECESSARY!!!!"

I get it. If you work hard and you have a lot of money, it's your choice what you do with it. But truly, I view Hummer drivers as some of the most selfish, thoughtless, pea-brained individuals of our era.

That's all I've got to say about that.

Finish Line In View

2010-06-01T16:46:00.004-06:00

I almost cried. I could feel the excitement. Coming into the stadium, with everyone yelling... the finish line in view... it all welled up in me. But it didn't quite overflow. That's a good thing.

I ran the Bolder Boulder yesterday. My first race - 10 kilometers at about 5,400 feet above sea level. I knew it would be a challenge and I was determined to make it in the range that I'd set for myself. I had spent the last few weeks getting ready by pushing my distance higher. Truly, I've never known myself as a 'runner'. Just like I'd never known myself as a skiier. But this has been the year to push that boundary a little bit and to see where I get.

I had 6.2 miles to run. I ran the first mile in 9 minutes. A minute faster than I was used to running on the treadmill. Whoops. Pace setting. Shortly after that first mile, my stomach cramped up and I felt like I was going to throw up. Maybe it was that stupid first mile, but for the next two miles, I felt pretty awful. I took some energy gel, and chugged some gatorade and shortly, I felt better. In fact, I felt so much better. My pace was set. My music had picked up tempo and I was able to match it with my own steps. The people around me were so much fun, too. There were three painted green - one of which I crashed into, leaving my arm the shade of the Jolly Green Giant. In one of the neighborhoods I passed by, a lady yelled out, "You got it! Don't give up. Just set your pace and keep at it." That echoed in my thoughts for the rest of the race.

At one point, I had slowed to a walk. Someone ran by shouting, "Go, Adam!!" I realized he was yelling that for me. I had posted a sign on my back that said, "I am running in honor of CPT Adam Brink, who is running the BB 7,000 miles away". Immediately, I remembered Adam was running along with me that very second half-way across the world. A huge smile came over me and I picked up my pace again. It was so wonderful to know that he was there, too.

I maintained a run all the way up that final hill and into the stadium. It was awesome. At no point did I ever think I wasn't going to make it. I ended up missing my goal time by 30 seconds, but I was still super excited. It was my first race. I had a rough start, but ended up setting a solid pace. I only wish I could remember it with more detail. I get so focused on the task at hand. I have different things I fill my thoughts with so that I can finish strong, but I lose out on my surroundings and on the details of the race. But I raced up the final hill and as I came into the stadium, I came around to the finish line at full speed. Exhilarating.

It was an awesome experience. Really, just knowing that I can do something that before in my life I thought was out of my reach. So, on to the next goal... a triathlon in September and a half-marathon in October. Then I think I'll take it easy and stick to skiing and regular distances like 5Ks. But who really knows?

Gone Again

2010-04-28T19:30:00.005-06:00

It was a whirlwind. Seemed like only a few short days. He came and he left. But it was so wonderful. I came home to Wyatt. No Adam to pick me up from school. Part of it feels very back-to-normal. I've been on a roll the last five months that he's been gone. So when he left this afternoon, my little heart broke and I wasn't ready to let him out of that comfortable feels-like-home last hug, but a few miles down the road - back to the normalcy of school and it felt just like it should, I suppose. A sense that everything was back to the 'normal' that I knew while he was gone.

But I step back into my quiet house and the only warm fuzzy man here is my wonderful dog... and it starts to get to me again. He left from my house to pick me up so we could go to the airport today... his shaving cream sitting on my counter. He left me one of his favorite shirts. A chair scooted out from the table where we had lunch. His footsteps still pressed into the carpet. The seat in my car still sitting far from the wheel just like he drives it.

That is how it should be. You wish that your time together would be well-spent and that you have such a great time that when he leaves, you are sad about all the things you will miss sharing. I already miss sharing this moment with him. Hearing him talk on the phone in the other room. I think it all comes down to knowing that you COULD do it all without him... the waking up, the enjoying the day, the big highs and lows and beautiful moments of the day... but you just don't want to.

Six Days

2010-04-06T21:27:00.004-06:00

Just six days. That's all! I get to see Adam again in six days. I'm really excited to see him. I miss him so much. Sometimes it seems like the time has flown by... I've certainly not wasted it. That's for sure. Relationships, though, make me nervous. I think I'm past that "everything is perfect" phase. I am just not inclined to believe that any relationship can be perfect. Truly, I think that's a good spot to be in. There's not alot to be nervous about with us, though. It is what we make it. And we have a really wonderful relationship.

I think what I might be a little jittery about is just the fact that we have two weeks and that's it. All we've got is two tiny little weeks in the middle of nine months. I want everything to go well, of course, but I know that the best way to do it is just to enjoy every moment and milk every bit of joy out of what time we have rather than to force all kinds of fun into every second. I adore Adam.

The whole idea of not being able to look into the future has been echoing through my thoughts lately - both with work and with our relationship. It's scary not knowing what is coming around the corner. You get comfortable with where things are at. You see all the joy that you already have and it gets scary knowing that at some point things change - maybe for the better and maybe not. But I love what Adam told me earlier - that you just focus on the positive parts of the change.

I can't wait, though. He is the vanilla ice cream in my root beer float.

World Wide Open

2010-03-28T08:18:00.005-06:00

There's no better way to be thankful for your life than to live it fully. This January, I started Master's classes, training for a triathalon, and learning to ski. Everything about these three pursuits has challenged me and has caused me to change my perspective on who I am and what I can do. It's been an inspiring three months and it's not over.

I was having dinner with a friend last night. She is starting a new chapter in her life, or maybe not a new chapter, but a new journey. She and I are in similar situations - I will be starting a new job in August. One that I have a passion for, but very little formal training. It's always scary starting something new. Adam had excellent advice on this. He said - you can not read the future so you have to focus on the exciting part of the change and not the scary part. That's true about anything. We get so caught up into defining ourselves with what we HAVE been that we forget to open our minds up to new possibilities.

I have NEVER been a runner. I hated it. It would be a miracle for me to run a continuous mile. In January, I started running, and now I'm up to four miles for a regular workout. Now, I'm a runner.

I have NEVER been a skiier. I thought I was terrible and I didn't want to spend money on something I was terrible at. My first time skiing this season was December 31. I miserably and awkwardly and terribly struggled my way down green runs before I painfully surrendered for the day. Yesterday, I took my first black diamond. I'm confident and successful with it. I'm a skiier!!

I've never seen myself as a principal. A leader, yes. A principal, no. But there have been a number of people that I admire that have repeatedly suggested to me that I need to pursue that option. So here I am. Who knows where it will take me?

I am completely excited for the journey. There are scary parts. But I am hopeful. I feel now that I haven't truly used my body or my life to its utmost. I am so thankful that my legs can do what they can do and that my mind can do what it can do. It's an inspiring chapter in my life. The world is wide open. I am thrilled to be a part of it.

Giving It Everything

2010-02-13T22:14:00.003-07:00

I tell my students all the time: You have to take advantage of your education. They know they will only get out of it what they put into it. I don't tolerate kids remaining distracted. Everyone has got to dig in and do what they can to make the most of the opportunity to learn.

This is no different with my own education. I just started my Master's program. I am super excited to be back in school... digging into everything new that I have to learn. Well, I've been less than enthused with the instructors so far. Perhaps I'm making my judgement prematurely. But I expect alot. I bust my butt to get all the reading done and to turn in quality projects. So I expect my instructors to have excellent lessons and to facilitate conversation in a way that we will be able to have a working understanding of the material.

Because of this, I've found it vital to develop a strong work ethic in my studies. I want to know as I move into a new career, that I am intellectually prepared to address issues with my colleagues. I feel like there may be students in my program that are content with the minimum. But that's just not acceptable to me. I will be highly prepared, confident, and ready to take on the tasks before me without the regret that I didn't put EVERYTHING into my education.

Valentine's No-Surprise

2010-02-13T17:53:00.004-07:00

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and there really is only one thing that I want... for Adam to be here. But 7,000 miles away is a little far for that and I'm not going to get my wish. Today, he told me that he had gone out to dinner with his soldiers. They had all sent something home for their sweeties. Oops. Adam hadn't.

Now, a week ago or so, I thought to myself... if Adam doesn't take this chance to do something special to let me know that he cares about me... I'm going to be upset! He's so far away. Surely he thought of me, right?

This isn't the first time this has happened. That's just how Adam is. And frankly, I understand it. The obligation to buy somebody something on a specific day is a little obnoxious. Wouldn't it mean more if I just bought him a gift because I wanted to and not because there was some sort of obligation to do so? I get it.

Well, I told myself I was going to be upset about it. So, I tried to stir myself up. To get all bothered and annoyed. But it hasn't worked. I would just like to get huffy and impatient. But all I can think of is how good he is to me. How he loves me. And how wonderful he is. There's nothing to BE upset about.

So, Happy Valentine's Day to me. I have a fantastic man.

Ahhh... The Light

2010-01-27T23:33:00.004-07:00

Is it true that darkness makes the presence of light that much more beautiful?

I recently met one of the most pompous, close-minded, irreverent, and demeaning people I've ever known in my life. He seethes arrogance. It disgusts me to be near him.

This meeting is not by chance. I know that this is an important marker for me in learning what effect we have on the people around us. I want to be someone that people feel comfortable approaching. I want to be someone that people breathe easy around. I want to communicate well. I want to honor the people around me. I want to have respectful and perspective-minded disagreements. I want to remember that I do not ever have all the answers and that I have much to learn from those around me. I want to serve those around me - not to behave entitled as though I own them. I want to be gentle with people. I want to make wise, informed decisions. Above all, I want to be genuine.

The future is bright.

Better Changes

2010-01-23T12:58:00.003-07:00

There is no better way to be thankful for your body than to use it.

I have always hated running, but I've gradually worked my way into it. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I love it. But at least now I don't dread it as I did. This week, I completed three workouts. This particular day was a one-half hour session on a treadmill. I had just bumped my speed up by 1/2 mile an hour. When I finished, I felt fantastic. I had maintained a solid pace: one that allowed me to push myself but was comfortable enough that I didn't feel like I was about to throw up. I only slowed my pace so I could stay hydrated.

It's amazing what we can do if we just decide to do it. Although my routine seems somewhat mediocre to more intense runners, I have come a long, long way. I am so proud of this change in my lifestyle. And I'm excited to be aiming for a bigger goal: my first triathalon. My goal is to do it well.

The last month has seen a number of changes in the way that I've functioned. I am proud of every single one of them. I'm not just becoming a better person because of the situations I encounter, but now better changes are coming because I am deciding to live my life in a new way. I love it. I'm not scrambling to keep up with my life anymore. This is in fact the only year that New Year's resolutions have truly changed the way I function. I am overwhelmingly proud of my progress this month and I'm looking forward to celebrating two months of wonderful change at the end of February.

A Year Ago

2010-01-17T22:09:00.003-07:00

It's about that time of year. I remember hearing on New Year's Eve 2008 that Rob had been moved to hospice. For the rest of the night, that's just about all I could think about.

The days went by. I went up to visit him. And one day, he died. As I read back through my blog at that time, I recall my grief and my relief - simultaneous, as strange as that may seem. I remember thinking that I could count on one dear friend in particular for consolation, but that turned out not to be true. That sunk very deep.

I barely knew Adam. We had just begun dating. Yet he held me in his arms and asked about Rob. He asked for me to tell him stories. He let me cry. He let me tell him all the things I missed about Rob. What he did that evening has stuck with me and I think that's the first time I realized how truly good Adam is.

Simple...

2010-01-07T22:50:00.004-07:00

Adam has been gone for just over a month. I miss him lots, of course. But truly, this month has been quite good. Skype is a relationship-saver, in my opinion. All that body language goes unsaid over the phone. The way he smiles. What he is wearing. What his house looks like. The way it's almost like we are making eye-contact. It's all important when it's all you have.

I hit a road bump and got all insecure yesterday. I couldn't sleep. I freaked out a bit. I think it's normal in any relationship. The whole "what if" game. I hate that.

Tristan Prettyman sings a song - Simple As It Should Be. It's the title of my blog because it puts me in a good frame of mind. It takes me from that place of insecurity to a place of contentment.

"I don't think that we should ever feel the need to worry. Ever get ourselves in a hurry." And suddenly I can breathe a little deeper and a little slower. I had to remind myself of these things. The song, Steady As We Go by Dave Matthews is another anchor song. It re-routes my perspective, pulling me back to the right frame of mind.

It's not easy having him gone. But it's building a new dimension to our relationship. For that, I'm grateful.

He's the chocolate sauce to my bowl of vanilla.

Perspective of the Very Last

2010-01-06T10:08:00.002-07:00

It’s interesting to think about the very last. Do I remember the last time I sailed on a boat? Or the last time I laid in the warm sunshine? Do I remember the last time I drew my fingers across guitar strings? What about the last time I smiled at a particular person I know? Or bought macaroni and cheese? Some of these things are monumental memories. And some are just daily occurrences. Some are memorable and others just melt into that mush of experiences I can vaguely recall.

I think about every little opportunity that comes my way during a typical day. In the life of a teacher, there are thousands every HOUR. Thousands of opportunities to make a tiny impact to hundreds of little minds and hearts every day… every hour… every minute. How is it that these opportunities sliiiiiiiiiiide by and I find myself at the end of the day having taken advantage of one or two of those opportunities?

I have a quote framed by my desk. It is from the noted author, Henry David Thoreau: “To affect the quality of the day… That is the highest of the arts.” Every single person who has touched my life in a memorable way has aligned with this philosophy. This is the ideal that I strive for… and fall short of.

I remember the very last time I saw one of my students before he passed away later that day. He was wearing a knight’s clothing. Breastplate, helmet, sword, and carried a shield. Halloween is a time of celebration in an elementary school. He was the first to have his turn in a game that day. I remember being really glad I had started with him that day in the game. It’s the little things that soothe us when we lose someone. I remember sitting at my desk with tears splashing across my plan book. “At least he had his turn in the game,” I thought.

I wonder if this was my last semester of teaching, how would I do it? What would I change? I would smile every student into the room and tell them how glad I was that they had come to visit me and to learn with me that day. I have a great friend who is a wonderful musician. One day he gave me the best advice – “When you sing, sing as though it’s the last time you will ever sing.”

When I teach, teach as though it’s the last time I will ever teach. When I listen, listen as though it’s the last time I will ever listen. When I love, love as though it’s the last time I will ever love.

THAT is how I will live this day.

Impulsive!

2009-12-08T15:42:00.002-07:00

Apparently, I'm not much of a planner. I do ALOT by impulse. There are things I am careful about. There are things I research before I do. But for the most part, I am extremely impulsive! On a whim, I bought a new car in July. I don't really regret it. It may not have been the best financial decision, but I do love my car.

Well, this weekend I went to inquire about a Master's program. It starts Thursday and will end in 18 months. Nothing like starting in five days to get me signed up. There are a few questions I considered before I agreed, and there are more questions I should have asked. But it's not necesarily bad, is it? I am ready to go. I am really excited to start!

I almost bought a computer on the spur of the moment. I guess I still might. I have been looking at laptops for about three weeks now. That's quite a wait. I guess I figure that since these decisions don't affect anyone else, it doesn't matter if I make a quick decision.

Tips for People Who Know Nothing About Vampires

2009-11-22T23:03:00.003-07:00

So, apparently I know nothing about vampires. Here is what I found interesting...

When a person becomes a vampire, I was under the impression that their life as they know it ceases to exist. But listen! THEY DO NOT HAVE TO QUIT THEIR JOBS. All they have to do is get a special ring so that they can appear in the daylight. They are irresistably drawn to biting people and can suck blood WITHOUT killing people. Instead they erase the memory of the person that they fed off of. GROSS! Who made up these rules? This is crazy.

Do they sleep in coffins? And why are zombies so disgusting? Why all of a sudden is everyone so excited about vampires but so judgemental against zombies? I thought they only lived in Transylvania. And what in the world are gnomes? Elves? What distinguishes an elf from a gnome? Why do some elves work for Santa and others apparently have wings and flit around the forest?

I hate stupid vampires.

Happy. Now for the hard part.

2009-11-18T20:42:00.002-07:00

Adam's deploying. Real soon. And I've settled into it. It was really hard a few weeks ago. Every now and then I get sad. I've never had to deal with anything like this. But there are lots of great things to look forward to. We get this weekend together. We get our anniversary. We get Thanksgiving. Then nine months of e-mail and Skype and letters and packages. I don't even know how to do any of that. But we will be together. That's comforting. I can't imagine packing up and ending everything now.

Adam is wonderful. He is a thoughtful, conscientious, and wise leader. He is committed and responsible. I am so excited to be his girl. I am blessed.

What Now?

2009-10-28T20:48:00.003-06:00

So, grad school. What is there to consider? How much money can I find? Where do I want to go? Should I go while I work, or take some time off? I want to start right away. And then there's this thing with Adam. He's deploying soon. Frankly, I want to consider him in this whole decision, too.

I feel like I live in this whole "well, if things change" world. I plan decisions two different ways in case something changes. What taught me to function like that? I guess I know. I only had one plan before Rob got sick. Things changed. Now I feel like I have to have a plan 'B'. Do I? If I plan both ways, I feel like I'm less likely to be disappointed.

Seriously, though. I would decide to stay in Colorado for Adam. For me, too. Staying in Colorado isn't bad. But what about something completely new? Washington state or Australia? It's only a year or two. But my priority isn't my career.

He's Leaving

2009-10-27T20:14:00.003-06:00

Our principal is leaving. We learned this just a few weeks ago. Three, maybe. I'm not sure I can articulate what this means to me or to our staff. If I talk about it honestly, you would only think I'm being dramatic.

Working at our school is not like having a corporate job. It's truly like going to be with a family. And he is the center of our school. So losing him is like losing the glue that holds our school together. It's like losing our father. I know that seems extreme. But Roy has always done what is best for our family. He's made our school what it is now - which is one of the best elementary schools in the state. Every one of us is proud to be a part of that school. It's hard to see the future from here. He has shaped my formative years as a teacher. He's provided an environment where I've had freedom to develop my philosophies, to push the limits of achievement with my kids, and to love being a teacher. He's a huge part of my professional accomplishments.

We all know that we will do fine. Everything will be okay. But it's not going to be the same. We want to hear his voice over the intercom each morning, greeting the kids with "Good morning Antelope Trails kids! I'm so glad you're here today! Please stand for the pledge." We want to know we have him to fall back on when things fall apart for us. We want to hear him sing "Blue Christmas" before we head out for Christmas break. No one knows us and cares about us like Roy does.

I think part of my security as a teacher was wrapped up in his leadership. Now, I don't know that I want to be back in my job next year. I'm sorting out opportunities now... International Baccalaureate, Kagan Cooperative Learning, a Master's in Administration. It's time. And it is exciting, but I don't want Roy to leave.

Blabber Protocol

2009-10-15T21:44:00.003-06:00

So. You're in a car. With four other people. One or two people are talking unceasingly. By this I mean that their chatter is plentiful as the waters of the ocean or as everlasting as a beam of light from a burning sphere of gases in a far away galaxy. It is not interesting or thought-provoking chatter. It is not entertaining, amusing, or otherwise brilliant. I feel like I am in a chamber filled with gaseous substance such as the substance that fills one's lower intestinal tract and everywhere I can turn offers neither fresh air nor respite from the pollution.

I am staring blankly ahead.

What is the proper protocol for saying, "Excuse me. You are talking too much. It would be really nice to allow others room for conversation. I am tired of hearing your voice. Although you may enjoy it very much, you are always around yourself, so please save it for later." It's social courtesy. Listen to yourself. Has your voice received rest in the last five minutes? If not, s-h-u-t u-p. Whose job is it to teach this? Parents? I don't know.

The problem is that this unending blabber didn't stop when we got out of the car. The continuous stream of fuppernuffence continued in the professional environment as we met with teachers from around the state.

I need air.

Interrupting is not considered polite. So I must wait for this jivnigglenubbant chatter to cease. What's polite about speaking in this way so that no one has a chance to contribute or to provide an interlude? You are giving the rest of the individuals in the group no choice but to be extremely rude and interrupt.

I need a solution.

I want to be blatant. Up-front. Right to the point. "You are talking too much. Shut yer yapper."

Conundrum Hot Springs

2009-10-12T21:10:00.010-06:00

Adam and I spent this weekend in the Maroon Bells-Snowmass Wilderness. It was a gorgeous day in Aspen. The leaves had changed color and were still bright in the cooling fall air. It was so beautiful that people were out on motorcycles. This was a huge difference from the bitter icy weather in Colorado Springs. We barely made it out of the Springs. Roads were covered in sheets of invisible ice. So we stopped at the Donut Mill to grab breakfast and to let the roads warm up. We then made our way west and escaped the chill of the Front Range. We had planned this trip for a few weeks, so we were relieved to see the weather improve as we headed west.

As we got to the trailhead, we stripped off the thick fleece layers and winter jackets we had been wearing. The walk was gorgeous! Bright mountain sunshine and a rushing stream all along the way. We hiked 8.5 miles up Conundrum Creek to the very remote and beautiful Conundrum Hot Springs. We passed beaver ponds and huge mossy trees. The river had three main crossings with huge logs set six or eight feet above the water. I wore a terrible pair of boots, which Adam made sure I knew was a really bad idea. He was right. I ended up with a big nasty blister.

We walked through thick trees and through meadows. At one point, we made our way over gigantic trees that had been blown over in a recent storm. It was amazing to see these huge, strong trees brought down by wind. It was a little difficult to find the trail at some places because there were so many trees down.

We got up to the campsite around 5:30, just as the sun had set behind the gigantic peaks around us. From the Springs, you can see Conundrum Peak and Castle Peak, both 14ers. And there were another 7 or 8 13,000 foot peaks nearby. We hurried to set up our tent in the freezing air and went to meet other campers who were already in the steamy water of the hot springs. The water was perfect... two to three feet deep in places with pockets of hot water bubbling up from under the ground. Beautiful! The edge of the water touched the rock border and spilled over into the next pool. It was amazing to look out and see the brilliant stars coming out one by one as the light of the sun disappeared. There was a group of six from Denver/Boulder and then a guy from Aspen who had come up by himself. We stayed in as long as we could before we started to get hungry.

The exit was extremely frigid!!! We couldn't dry off fast enough. But we hopped back to the campsite to have a quick dinner and then back to the pool for one more hour before bedtime. All the campers were out. A mom and her grown son, a couple from Steamboat, and the seven we had met before.
There might have been two more, but it was pitch black. This place must be super crowded in the summer. I can't imagine the pool accomodating more than 15. Anyway, what a cool place. It's about a four and a half hour hike. Such a beautiful and authentically Colorado experience.

I think next time, we will be more prepared... It was suggested to us that we bring full-length towels - two, if they fit, a pair of Crocs to wear in the water, my down jacket, blister bandaids, a better pair of hiking boots, a box of delicious wine, and a hot water bottle to throw in the bottom of my sleeping bag.

Adam insisted on bringing only things that would contribute to our survival. I was a little more lenient, but still, the other campers had it made. They also had to carry heavier packs. But I think it's worth it. It was a completely wonderful trip!

Flippers on Land

2009-09-25T21:26:00.004-06:00

I've spent a portion of my life being unwise. This is pretty typical to humankind, right? I've made poor decisions in clothing, meals, finances, traffic, and relationships, to name a few. It's just what happens. We try to make the best choices we can, but for whatever reason, I failed.

It took me a while to realize that those poor choices didn't define me. But what they did do was allow me to grow. Some people get stuck in these choices and situations and it weighs them down for the rest of their days. God has taken that from me, I believe. The strength of character that I exhibit today is highly dependent on the idea that I shedded the negative and moved on ahead. Did I have to make those poor choices in order to be in this spot today? Well, I don't know. I think some people have to suit themselves up in wetsuits and flippers and to flop around on land for a little bit only to discover for themselves that it doesn't work so well that way. Stubborn? Yes. Necessary? Who can say?

All that aside, I have developed a strong foundation. It's who I am. None of that other stuff has carried over due to a very gracious God.

So imagine my surprise when I find that not everyone realizes this. Sometimes our past choices get picked up by others like burrs in a cotton sock. They work their way into the flesh of our loved ones so that they can't possibly see beyond it and suddenly we find ourselves judged again.

I want someone to be able to put aside the troubles of the past and to look forward with me in hope. I was ready to move into a wiser spot in my life, so here I am. I'm not looking back or wishing that things were different. I am who I am.

Pet Peeve #1

2009-09-04T16:27:00.004-06:00

Ok, people. I presently have 540 students. This is my sixth year of teaching, which means that I have taught over 1100 students. I am pretty good with names, I think. Well, Lisa will probably read this and completely disagree. It's true. Those little guys... 1st grade and under... they are tough. For the most part, though, I know my kids names.

Mya and Sarah teach kids named Sayuki and Yuki and Tayuka (I don't really know this as a fact - I am guessing) I can imagine it's probably pretty tough at first to match names with faces. Knowing their names, in itself, is a challenge.

Even harder is memorizing the exact spelling of every child's name... C-A-I-T-L-Y-N or K-A-T-E-L-Y-N or K-A-I-T-L-I-N. A-I-D-A-N or A-Y-D-E-N or A-Y-D-A-N. What about J-H-A-Y-D-E or when I've got a H-A-L-L-I-E pronounced Hayley or a H-A-L-E-Y pronounced Hallie or a Braden and Brendan in the same class? Michayla Mikahla MiKayla McKenna Kenna Kennedy. How about twins? And then there's the nearly identical siblings. GEEZ!!!! Considering this predicament, I'm pretty proud when I can name 95% of my students right off the bat.

So you can imagine my lack of compassion when a parent mentions how her daughter will be devastated that I spelled her name wrong on a sheet that was to be posted on my door for two days. Devastated? Really? She will have her feelings hurt. Oh, precious. How could that nasty music teacher have dared spell your name wrong? Now, I understand that I need to have correct spellings on printed items like programs - it's precious grade school memorabilia for Pete's sake. But I am not going to spend the ridiculous amounts of time to look every child's name up in each class to find the exact spelling on a piece of paper that is notifying a group of children of some minor detail. Really. That is a waste of taxpayer money. So if your daughter is so sensitive about her name being spelled wrong, you might want to tell her to tighten up her bootstraps and to grow a pair because she's frankly lucky that no one is calling her a doodyhead or divotface.

People's History

2009-08-30T22:44:00.004-06:00

I am reading A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. If I had more time, I would read stuff like this all the time. And by 'stuff like this', I mean 'books'. I read Letters to a Young Conservative by Dinesh D'Souza a number of years ago. It got me extremely charged up to understand the state of the union and the Constitution and everything social and political. I was encouraged to not remain ignorant of pertinent issues.

I'm really looking forward to this book. I read through most of the first chapter while waiting at the DMV. It discusses the discovery of the New World by Columbus and various other explorers and the resulting impact on the native cultures. One of the points he targets is the idea that terrible atrocities have essentially been justified by the perspective of historians through the ages. The mass genocide of many of the native cultures of the Americas was deemed necessary for advancement of European culture in the New World. History is a balance of perspectives. This book seeks to present history from many perspectives - not just the perspectives of explorers and politicians.

This book is going to spark questions. I love that. Isn't that what we want, as learners? To be sparked alive with questions in what we are learning? And what a fantastic implication for teachers.

My friend, Mya, was talking about how her experience living in Japan has taught her that who she is as a person is partially due to her American heritage. That American history, which once used to seem fairly abstract and detached from her life, has now come alive in the very American way she relates to the world. What does that mean, really? And how would I relate to the world differently if I was not this person I am now?

This is why I am reading this book.

Pitter-Pat. What now?

2009-08-27T22:24:00.004-06:00

Ok. I admit it. I am excited about Adam. It's taken me a while to completely admit it. But I am pitter-pattery over him. I never thought that he and I would actually work out. But we do. We are different. But we are also similar. I adore him. In my late twenties I have encountered gentlemen who are fairly non-committal. This one included. Sort of. This one is committal in a pseudo-non-committal way. So when you're in a relationship like that, it's fairly difficult to be up-front about the way you feel about somebody. So this is a big step for me.

"I like you. Alot. Like more than I like lightning storms. Like if I had to choose you or sushi, I would choose you. See. I like you alot alot."

I like him enough to take photographic evidence of our relationship. I even like him enough to print them out and start putting them places like my desk at work. Well, not really multiple. Just one. Let's not go overboard. I like him enough to plan surprises for when he goes out of town. Ha! I can't reveal this secret just yet. But I will take photographic evidence of it to post at a later date. I like him enough to be sad when he leaves for deployment. Real real sad. Sad enough to wait for him to come home.

Sounds like I'm in big trouble. Sounds like I got myself a crush. A bad one.

Liar

2009-08-26T21:11:00.005-06:00

I've been lying for two years. Lying. To a (now) ten-year-old girl. She's a fan of John Mayer - as am I. I finally admitted to her today in class, that indeed, I am NOT the long-time girlfriend of John Mayer OR Jason Mraz as I so passionately attested to for the past two years.

It was funny, I thought. She did, too. I know it. But it's the end of an era. And I have a real live boyfriend now. So, goodbye John Mayer. Goodbye Jason Mraz. So long to what may have been.

Politician Twitter

2009-08-26T21:05:00.003-06:00

As if politician banter isn't catty enough, they've decided to Twitter. Seriously? I just read that Arlen Specter and Senator Grassley were involved in some little slap-fight via Twitter regarding health care.

Didn't they get enough of that in seventh-grade fashion wars during passing periods? Please.

Conversing with a Six-Year-Old

2009-08-20T17:18:00.004-06:00

Her - What's that stuff you're drinking?

Me - Potion.

What??!!

It's potion.

What does it do?

Turns my toes green.

Nooo!!!! DON'TDRINKIT!!!!!!

It tastes good. *sip* My toes are tingling. They itch too.

(with furrowed brow) ARE THEY GOING TO TURN GREEN?

Yes.

STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP DRINKING THAT!

Ok. ... Hey. Did you know that when people turn into monsters, the first thing that turns green is their toes?

Twenty-Whatever

2009-08-18T17:54:00.003-06:00

Today is my birthday. I told the kids at school that today I turned 100. They don't really know. Thirty is basically like 100 to them. When I was twenty-whatever, these are the things that I learned.

Change happens. For better. For worse. There's nothing we can do to stop it. We can't prevent it. But we can direct it.

Committment is worth it. I'll never give up on committment again.

My greatest treasures are friends and family. They are priceless.

Starting over is way harder than it seems.

My dog is the love of my life.

Retail therapy covers over a multitude of sins. Well... we pretend it does.

Being responsible is not one of my strong points.

I fail. Almost every day I fail at something. But in the end, it causes growth, so perhaps it's worth it.

Changing the life of a child is like nothing I've ever known. It's nothing anyone can ever take away from me. It's mine forever.

I know what I want and what I don't. And I'm not afraid to clean things out of my life that just aren't what I want.

To communicate.

Balance is essential.

I need God. Real bad.

Being a lady is not just about looking lovely. It's about confidence and tenderness and full-blown, bone-crushing torrential strength.

When you get down to the tough stuff you do what you gotta do to plug ahead. You laugh. You find all the happy you can find. You pull your friends real real close.

I am extremely skilled and I have raging passion that pulls me to love what I do for a living.

Being outside is not optional for me. I have to see the sky and feel the breeze. I have to notice the little details. I have to stop and explore.

When I love, I love big.

Learning to Love

2009-08-16T00:12:00.005-06:00

Only two more days of being 29. And still I fail at lots. It's all part of being human. Regardless of how laid back I am about many things, I am extremely hard on myself. I am learning every day. I am so grateful to have a man in my life who encourages me to grow. To make positive changes. Today we had one of those discussions. Hard discussions that clean up areas in my brain and make it easier to become better. There was a pit in my stomach nearly the entire time but now I can breathe more clearly and maybe walk more lightly.

I am learning to love. Sometimes this means making decisions on what is worth changing in my own life. Sometimes it means discovering how to gently encourage positive growth in him. The big idea of this conversation was the idea that people change. Of course they do, right? The most frightening thing that I've encountered is the idea that I can link my life to someone 'till death do us part and have them or me drastically change. I had no guarantees. None of us do. But the idea of love is that we risk it. And we go forward knowing that we will be with the person we love through every change they endure and we have strength of hope that they will be with us through every change we endure. Time will hopefully bring wisdom which in turn brings change for the better.

Relationships are hard. Who knows if we or you or she or he are making the right decision? Is it worth it? Do I go with my instinct? Do I stop before everything gets too close? Nobody really knows. But I am of the firm conviction that whatever I choose to do, God will bless as I learn to trust Him and turn to Him in all things. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Right?

Financial Venting

2009-08-11T07:53:00.003-06:00

I worked this summer to get free of debt. I got one credit card paid off and that's a huge deal. That's the best thing I've done for myself financially probably in my entire life. So, I thought I was doing well. Well, my renters are moving out of my house a month early. And I realized I don't have enough in savings to return their deposit to them. So not only will I have to likely pay my mortgage this month, plus my rent, but I will also owe my renters their deposit. I am freaking out.

After the divorce, I just was completely stupid. Now, I'm wishing that I had established myself so I had some sort of savings. Anything. I have nothing. When I think about monthly budgeting decisions, it seems too stressful to think about, and then it comes down to something big like this and I am screwed. The thing about this is it's not like a car repair where I can just put it on credit. I need some sort of cash to give back to them. What am I going to do?

Stupid Money

2009-08-10T22:33:00.003-06:00

Dear Mr. MoneyPants, the Financial Planner,

No. I do not want to save money for my children's education. I do not have children. This would entail finding someone to agree to marry me. That's a heavy feat. Do I care how much is in my whatever so-and-so account? No. Do I even know how much is in there? No. I just care about having a normal checking account and a normal savings account. That is all the financial stress I can manage. If I die and someone has to pay for my little self to be cremated, that is ok with me at this point. I do not have the mental capacity to make a decision to save $20 a month for funeral expenses. I do not think about saving for vacation. And I do not think about how much I need somebody to pay me in my retirement. TMI. This is what somebody else is for. Anybody else. Somebody make me a budget and tell me what to do.

All this talking about money makes me sick to my stomach. Thanks for trying to help, Mr. MoneyPants.

Gaining Focus

2009-08-09T19:14:00.003-06:00

School starts this week. To be completely honest, I have absolutely no focus. No drive. What happened? Is this actually me? I'm nervous. Because I know if I start the year like this, I will hate every moment. What is it going to take for me to get in the game? I've let other things take huge precedence in my life. Things which have no reason being there right now. I'm upset that I let this happen. I know what it will take, too. Being alone. Thinking and reading. Praying. Restructuring my priorities. Going for a run. I'm afraid that if I don't take the time to get focused, this year could turn out to be quite terrible. I am worried.

Juicy and Chewy Ever!

2009-08-07T15:08:00.004-06:00

Japan is the number two country in the world in my opinion for this reason and this reason only... they manufacture the most delectable chewy bits of heaven I have ever tasted. The most amazing - HI CHEW. Yes, the Hi Chew. I love them for their soft texture and their delicious fruity flavor that fills every moment with pleasure.

My friend just returned from Japan and she brought me back two packages of this flavorful glory. I told myself I would savor only one piece a day. That quickly turned into two pieces a day and now I have gone and eaten six pieces and the rest of the bag lies next to me as I type.

Their website, http://www.morinaga.co.jp/hi-chew/, boasts that Hi Chews are "Juicy and Chewy Ever!" And that they can be eaten anytime, anywhere to be refreshed. YES!!!! I can eat them ANYWHERE I WANT! Glorious day. Oh. The mango... exotic tasting. It says so online.

Our Date

2009-08-06T22:05:00.002-06:00

Adam and I had a completely fantastic date last night. You know when you have a superbly amazing day and it colors everything the next day? You carry it around with you and as every moment comes, it tastes a little bit like that amazing day?

Today I feel like I have twinkletoes. Adam is wonderful.

My Friend, the Dead Television

2009-08-06T21:20:00.002-06:00

So, I have a television. A television that has been useless ever since the switch to digital. Let's be honest. It's been useless all along. All I would ever get - even when it was working - was four or five fuzzy analog stations. I haven't seen more than 25 hours of television this entire year. That's just how it goes. This is a big change from five years ago, when the nightly ritual involved watching the news while cooking dinner and then vegging out every night for a couple hours.

The only drawback to my present situation is I miss out on significant world events. For example, I find out about Michael Jackson and other notable events on Facebook. Weird. But I like it that I'm not a TV watcher. I'm way more fit than I used to be. I read more. And I've got a fairly rockin' social life as well. It's definitely worth the trade.

I figured I would try to fix it, though. Plug in the digital adapter and give it a go. After 45 minutes of plugging and unplugging, auto searching and button pushing, I am the not-so-proud owner of a television that displays four stations. One - PBS. There was some sort of financial motivational speaker on tonight. Two - PBS Spanish. Hmmm. Well, let's think on the bright side. I could get in touch with my Latin side. Three - PBS Create. I don't know what this is about. I think it was cooking, but the lady was also holding up a curly stick, so who really knows? Four - an audio reading station. Oooh. Nothing like coming home and turning on the TV to listen to an audiobook.

I would rather live in Japan next to a big cow and be followed home by old ladies trying to find out where the white girl lives. Literally (That's for you, Addy). It sounds much more adventurous.

TV sucks. I'd rather ride a bike or cook or talk or listen or laugh or jazzercize or clip toenails or dust or teach my dog to sit instead of lay down or sort through my apparently appaling wardrobe. Sarah and Sarah said I looked like I was Aquafresh in one of my shirts.

I am not Aquafresh.

All Along The Way

2009-08-03T12:16:00.003-06:00

Here's something I am really good at: moving ahead and making the best of a situation regardless of the drawbacks. When Rob was sick, I just learned that there are some things you can not change. And you've got to press ahead and tell jokes and laugh and make your situation as normal as possible. You accept what you have to accept and you change what you can change and you laugh and laugh and laugh all along the way.

There's no use grumbling about the little things. You do what you do and move along and enjoy every minute as much as you can. Right? This last week, I came upon a few situations where a friend of mine expected me to be upset and to grumble. It's hard when someone assumes that. If you can really make the best of it, then getting caught in a hailstorm and being alone in a new city become wonderful adventures. I love that.

Chocolate Wrapper Advice

2009-08-02T23:16:00.005-06:00

I opened a Dove chocolate a few months ago and the wrapper said, "Don't think about it so much." I flattened out the wrapper and taped it up on my bookshelf at work. It's a good reminder. For anything, really. Anything that's taking up a giant amount of my thinking power needs to be set to the back burner and rotated through. You know? There's entirely not enough time in the world to be dwelling on one thought for too long.

I realized I should stop thinking about Adam so much. There's so much else I can be involved in thinking about. It will be good to get back to work. To think about getting my masters and working on my music. It struck me that he's leaving soon. "Leaving" as in "deploying". And "soon" as in "four months". Yesterday he said, "A year from today I will be coming back home." I got all choked up.

What does a girl do when the wonderful man she loves leaves? It's too much to think about right now. I think much of what I feel is related to having lost Rob. I felt cheated out of that. And now I feel cheated out of this. Nine months in a giant stall... unless he gives me the boot. Right? Then there is no stall. It's just over. But I don't want it to be over.

I want him to come back and sweep me up in his arms again. No promises, though. He said that soldiers change during deployment. I wonder what he's really thinking. That he doesn't say. He doesn't say alot. And usually, I think it's for my own good. Or he thinks it's for my own good.

He protects me.

Don't think about it so much, right? What am I supposed to think about... what's for dinner?

A Quiet Cannonade

2009-07-27T16:44:00.004-06:00

I am sitting here listening to thunder rolling around in the clouds above me. It's different than usual. There is no sharp crack. Just a rumbling and rolling. Sometimes far off, if it is quiet enough, I can hear a quiet boom. It's getting closer. I can tell that much. The wind is swirling around in the leaves nearby and it's getting to a point that something has to happen. The clouds are going to have to release their rain soon.

I feel the same way today. I feel that rumbling and rolling. Maybe it will be a soft rain and maybe it will be a torrent. I think it's a pattern with me. Every now and then... I've written about it before... I just want to run away. Leave every single thing. I get taken over with a certain degree of hopelessness and want-to-give-up-ness. There is a steady rumble that for whatever reason isn't resolved.

I feel like it comes down to where I am at. This restlessness. I don't know why, really. Sometimes I just feel this way and I may or may not have any sort of reason for it.

There may have been some events that started this rumbling. Or maybe it would have started regardless. But I've been thinking about what it takes for a lady to be valued in a relationship. This unfortunately generalizes all ladies together. I don't mean to do that, but it makes me feel better about it as I write. It is really important for a lady to feel like she is valued. For some it's about being beautiful for their love. For some it's about intelligence. Maybe it's about her athleticism or her ability to be an excellent mother or wife. For me, I don't know what it really comes down to other than this: I want him to be proud that I am the girl on his arm.

I'm not particular about being claimed as a girlfriend or about marking him as off-limits. That can seem a little silly. All I want is to know that he recognizes my value and that he's not ill at ease to share that. For some reason, it seems that an arm around his lady or some other simple physical closeness demonstrates that to me. It's not about a public display of affection. It's about demonstrating that I am with you and you are with me, not grudingly, but that we are delighted to be together.

Without that, I am left feeling like dinner scraps... shuffled around on the plate until someone eventually decides to discard them.

This all makes me think about expectations. I have such a huge conciousness of logical expectations. I make a significant effort to take it easy and to not get tied up into developing a set of ridiculous hoops for someone to jump through. It's just not worth it. I wonder if this is an illogical expectation. I don't know.

Well, the rumbling above has moved along. The sun is coming out again and a rainbow sits across the sky. That's encouraging. A sign of hope perhaps.

Thinking Heavy

2009-07-20T00:19:00.002-06:00

I hung out with three super awesome chicks yesterday. Two are married, one is looking, and I am hanging gloriously in the middle. They told me any guy who doesn't claim you as his own - meaning 'girlfriend' - probably doesn't actually want you. That doesn't hurt my feelings. It's frankly just a shot of reality, right? But he's different. I believe that. There's lots of things playing into his decisions. One being that he is leaving in December. Boo for that. But that thought haunts me a bit and I'm sitting here questioning its validity. Maybe they are right. And then Mr. TrashMouth tells me that it's a strong signal and that things are great now, but if something better comes along, well... Hmmm. Better. That's a matter of perspective. I'm pretty great. I know that. Not perfect. But I am a catch, as Max puts it.

So what do I listen to? Him. My guy. That's who. Because I believe him and I trust him. He's unique. And generalizations don't fit him so well. All I can say is that it's real hard being in this and feeling like I do without it coming back. I'm not sure my tender heart can last very long in that kind of a space.

My Neighbor The Complete Idiot

2009-07-17T15:33:00.002-06:00

So, my dog barks when people walk by. Luckily, we live on a lazy street where not many people walk by. At most, I'd say he barks for three minutes and then he's done. Frankly, I like that. I'm a single girl. It's something that I feel protects me. The best thing is that if you tell him to stop barking, he does. Genius dog. I am in love with him. Can you tell?

My neighbor was annoyed by his barking one day and came over to tell the friend of my roommate that next time he hears him barking, he will call the Sheriff. He doesn't even have the maturity to come talk to me about it... to leave a note... nothing like that. Interesting. So, I got a note today from the Sheriff. I'd like to know exactly how that went. If they stood outside my fence talking, my dog would have kept barking. As soon as they went inside or went away from my house, he would have stopped.

I'm severely annoyed at the ridiculousness of this. Seeing as how my dog is outside by himself once every couple days. Other than that, he is inside or he is with me.

I feel like I have to vent here because as soon as he calls me about it, I'm going to explode and call him a lily-livered skunk and a no-good low-down coward and a skinny effeminate dog provoker. A stupid dumpster putz with a baboon for a mother. Doodie head.

Getting There

2009-07-14T21:44:00.003-06:00

Well, a little over a month until I'm 30. I just paid off one of my credit cards. I've organized my life. I've got a clean car, an organized house, a clean garage. I've created Mailbox Mondays. The day I check the mailbox and write all the bills. I've been outside on my bike and climbing and running and yoga-ing. I'm getting better. Am I there yet? No. One more credit card to pay off and my procrastinating ways of never returning phone calls to deal with. I need to get to my Later List. These are all things I do when I feel like I have the time. Things on this list include learning new songs on the guitar and making doctor and dentist appointments. Starting to eat healthy again. Who puts THAT on a list? Great, huh? What kind of an adult AM I anyway? A quasi-responsible adult who really just has lots of fun all the time. That's not so bad, right?

But I'm getting to the point that my life is nearly as Simple As It Should Be. That's a breath of fresh air. I have almost achieved the title of my blog. That sounds like a really weird goal. All it takes is a little planning, a little sushi, and a little sunshine. Ha!!!

For Something Wonderful

2009-07-13T00:06:00.003-06:00

I've been seeing him since November now. How did that all transpire?

He's thoughtful. Tender-hearted and giving. It's so funny. That was NOT the first impression I got from him. More like calloused and abrasive. I suppose I didn't give a great first impression either. Whoops. Luckily for me, he hung in there to see what was really inside.

This whole thing makes me a little nervous. Falling in love... I have no idea how you tell. Is it when you want him around to share days with? Is it when you are excited to hear his voice? Is it more like you are willing to work through the tough issues without running for the hills? I don't know at what point that happens. But I do feel like it happens faster when you think he's doing it too. When he's around, I feel extra lovely. And safe.

He's leaving, though. And what of that? Across the ocean for 9 months. I couldn't backpedal now. And gracefully bow my way out. I don't want to. Is it better to love and lose? I think I can say from experience, 'yes'. But can't I just opt out of the 'losing' and just stick with the first part of it all?

Finding the Summit

2009-07-12T14:21:00.012-06:00

It's been a while. Since I wrote anything of substance. Right? It seems that there was a period of time that I was learning alot and processing through a ton and also being very up front about it. And I think I've recently moved into a stage where I've been a little more reserved about sharing what I'm learning and processing. Well, maybe I should revisit what all has been going on. It's not bad. Really, this blog started as a journal. This blog isn't really for anyone else but me. The fact that it's open to friends and family and the general population of the world sometimes slips by me. And then I'll come across someone who mentioned that they had read my writing. It shouldn't be a shock. But it is. Strangely enough. I like it though. Keeps me on my toes.

Well, I'm going to write a bit more. And I think I'll start with my recent journey to the top of Long's Peak. And the discovery of a CD that Robert made for my 28th birthday. I realized a month or so ago that I was having a very hard time processing through the loss of my dear friend and love who passed away January 25. I would get emotional when I thought of him. I'm upset that God threw such a curveball. Rob and I were good together and it was a nasty turn of events that sent us tumbling to our demise. I've talked about this before - grateful that we came to reconcile our friendship and that we got to spend his last summer together getting out to enjoy music in the park and to have dinner... to eat giant ice cream sundaes.

I think I needed to do something monumental to celebrate his life. I realized, quite sensibly, that there was no place on the entire earth that I could go that I would be able to find him. He was gone. And you would think, of course. That makes sense. But when you lose someone close to you, that is insane to even fathom. That even if you TRIED to find him, you simply couldn't. I remembered his crazy tales of getting to the top of Long's Peak with Steve. How they set up their tent but the wind tore it away from them into the night and they were forced to sleep under the stars in freezing weather at 12,000 feet. I loved that story. And I wanted to be there. To see the ridge they camped on and to summit the same beloved peak that gave Rob so much joy.

So I headed out with Eric and Erica this last Friday, July 10th. We were at the trailhead at 3:30am. We walked for a few hours in the dark and as we got up above treeline, the sun began to peek over the horizon. It cast red light all across The Diamond. And it shone off the water seeping through the tundra. We could see a herd of elk grazing below and the monumental 3,000 feet of elevation that we had yet to gain. So we pressed on past the boulder field and through the Keyhole. Across the traverse on the back side and up the Trough, another field of boulders at a nearly 35 degree slope. I counted down the remaining red and yellow targets as we crested this challenging portion of the trail. Sky! And yet, the climb was not yet over. We wrapped around the corner and again traversed, this time across the front side - a portion called the Narrows. It's a fitting name. It is essentially a sidewalk across the sheer face of Long's Peak. A misstep would cause you to tumble over 1,000 feet. Finally we arrive at the Home Stretch. 450 feet of rock at about 45 degrees. Difficult to say the least. But we finally arrived at the top.

On the way up, I thought of all the stories I remembered of Rob. His awesome secret ingredient chili, the joy he had filtering through his gear, standing naked in the snow to eat his breakfast in Moab, the Ghost Cow, eating sweet tangerines in the park in Crested Butte, learning to ride clipless pedals in Moab, Fran shattering our front window in the place we lived in Gunny, his proposal, our toilet paper break up... so many things to remember. And then shortly after we were married, making jokes with the nurses in the cancer clinic, living in the hospital for the first month after his surgery, the Rocky Mountain Cancer Clinic 5K, learning to be a nurse, watching him 'shave' with a washcloth, trying to get him to drink Boost and to eat those Angel Heart meals, waking up 20 minutes earlier so that we could get him up the stairs in time, him calling me 'sweetie' for a series of months because he couldn't remember my name. And then there was Castle Rock and the Colorado Springs apartment, getting Maddox, all these great memories.

Well, at the top of Long's, I pulled out a dried bouquet of our wedding flowers. I found a spot to leave them and tucked them under a rock. I told him that I missed him and that I hope he could see me. I wanted him to know that I came up there to see him. It was the only place on earth that I knew I could go to do that. I told him I loved him. After a quick re-energizing, we headed back down.

Every step down seemed three times as difficult as each step up. It soon became painful and we were all exhausted. We finally got to the base of the Boulder Field. The three miles at the top are some of the most difficult terrain I've ever encountered. Yet, there was still 4.5 miles of trail to conquer. It didn't seem like much after what we just came down. But that 4.5 miles stretched into what seemed like ten. Treeline seemed so far away and even after crossing the brook, the last 1.5 miles never ended. When I got to the sign that said .5 miles left, I was so exhausted I knew I could only do it if I ran the last portion. I couldn't be on that trail any longer than I had to be. When I got to the parking lot, I threw my bag down, stripped off my shirts and laid there for a few minutes.

I laid there thinking of everything that Rob had to endure in his sickness. I realized he had no road signs saying how much more there was left. No treeline and no brook crossing to let him know it was almost done. He endured day in and day out through terrible pain and discomfort. Through swelling and loss of movement in his extremities.

On the way home, I put in a CD that he had made me for my 28th birthday - shortly before our divorce was final. The car I had before wouldn't play this CD and neither would my computer. So I didn't expect it to play. But it did. Rob had told me that this was a collection of songs he liked. They didn't necessarily mean anything. But as I listened to the entire disk, I felt like he wanted to tell me that through it all, he still loved me and wanted me back. It was very difficult to listen to. It was the music that he loved that signified importance to him. It tore me up. I drove back with tears pouring from my eyes, limbs aching.

There is no going back and changing anything. I know that. So what is it to me now? What does all of it mean? It means to me that he loved me more than anything and that our relationship was worth it to him. Worth it to fight for. He left the world without disdain or hatred for anything that had transpired between us. That is comforting. I wish, of course, that I had been more aware and that I hadn't become someone different in the middle of all of it. I know that in the future if God ever brings me anyone to love again that I will have a strength of character that I didn't have before that will allow me to persevere and love in the midst of trouble. I know that it's worth it. Rob taught me so much.

Thank you, Rob. I love you and I miss you every day.

Things in My Purse

2009-06-24T08:00:00.003-06:00

* iPod Touch - gotta keep my life organized - yay me.
* capo
* spark plug for 79 Kawasaki motorcycle
* spoon just in case I want to eat yogurt
* kiddy chopsticks - for Adam - I would never be reduced to using them myself
* pick
* pen
* dollar bill
* keys

How Awesome is Backstreet Boys?

2009-06-17T12:38:00.002-06:00

So awesome that when I walked into an antique store, their 1997 poster was front and center.

That's Unique...

2009-06-04T23:03:00.004-06:00

I went into a store today. It is called Namaste Arvada. They not only sell handstitched bags, Indian-style slippers and incense, but you can also purchase Cheez-Its and pizza-flavored Combos pretzel snacks. They also have a nice selection of beef jerky in all flavors.

The Biff

2009-05-31T21:44:00.003-06:00

So waterskiing is all about precision and balance. Great. I learned that watching a video online. But all this stupid video watching and research is all for naught because it was done far too late to help me avoid a serious sphincter injury that nearly ruined my entire life.

Put lifejacket on. Dive in. Slide feet in rubbery boot thingies. Sit back in 'rocking chair position' with skis pointed towards the sky. Ready.

** NOTE - 'rocking chair position' returns again later in the story. Very important to note this.

After three wobbly attempts to get up onto my skis, I knew it was just within reach. If only I could stand up. I reviewed all the tips I'd heard all morning as the boat begins to pull ahead. I feel it this time. As smooth as butter, I pop out of the water. The exhiliration crackles through my body. And it's this moment that I realize I wasn't briefed on how to stop. Hindsight tells me, "Let go of the rope."

I tip forward a bit and then overcorrect... but I was determined not to fall. Yet. So, I reason, in my present state of unbalance, that rocking chair position is probably a really stable position to get myself up to standing again. So I settle butt back to get ready to stand again. I neglected to remember that I'm going at least 87 miles per hour at this point. This occurs to me as I feel the lake slice through my innards. I let go of the rope as I feel my entire digestive system explode out of my butt, leaving a long trail of stomach, pancreas, and intestines trailing behind me like the tail of a kite. Okay. That's a fabrication. An embellishment.

I climb back into the boat and I won't go into greater detail at this point. Let's just say they don't make bandaids for that kind of an injury. My poor sphincter was probably the size of a football for five excruciatingly long seconds. Youch.

To add to the story, this was within the first 12 hours of meeting Adam's parents. And I spent the next few hours helping the family move 20 tons of rock. Not an embellishment.

I love the lake house.

In Danger

2009-05-17T21:23:00.002-06:00

So, Adam and I came upon an unusual scene today. We stopped to help someone and because of this found ourselves in possible danger. Our prime concern was to get this person to a safe place. But matters were complicated and for a few minutes, I wasn't sure that things were going to turn out well. A thousand scenarios played out in my mind. Adam's looking for a weapon and all of a sudden I didn't feel so tough. I wanted Adam and I out of there right away. Although, it showed me how aware and intelligent and mindfully cautious Adam can be. I trust his decisions and I know he would protect me. That's important.

Anyway, it broke my heart. This person apparently had only one place to go to be safe, and the place we took her seemed volatile. That place scared the crap out of me. I take the stability I have for granted for sure. If I was in the same situation, there are probably at least twenty numbers I could call right now to find a haven. I don't know anything about this girl, but I'm sure if she managed her relationships differently, perhaps she would be welcome. Literally, she had no friends. And the 'friend' she did have didn't seem too happy about the whole thing.

A Girl Worth Fighting For

2009-05-12T22:52:00.006-06:00

You know, every girl wants to be deemed worthy enough to be fought for. Don't you think? And perhaps, every guy wants to find a girl that's worthy enough to be fought for. This week, I got to direct two shows of this year's musical, Mulan. It was amazing. So many wonderful things happened. The kids really pulled together and performed an incredible show.

The show had five ancestors who debated about things like what a girl is 'supposed' to be and how she should think and speak and act. The Emperor sang to the Captain about going out and getting that girl worth fighting for.

And I can't help but draw comparisons. I think this week, I was fought for. And it feels really wonderful. I had no expectations... well, I had wishes, I suppose, but no expectations. And he amazed me. I'm not saying he felt that he had to have me in his life because I'm something perfect. We all know that was far... very, very far from the truth. But he made an attempt to come after me... the entire 'me' package of scars and loveliness and faults and all... and I think I know why. Maybe it's because he knows me. And I think that is such an amazing, beautiful thought. That he knows me. I love that.

And I know him. I'm knowing him better every day. And I adore him... all his wonderful pieces and all his quirks... cracking knuckles and all.

So... about that dating fast... um. Let's save that for another day.

Dear Guy at the Back East Bar

2009-05-08T23:33:00.004-06:00

First of all, let's be candid here. No room for second-guessing or supposition. I'm going to tell you exactly what's up so you don't make the same stupid mistakes next time. Ready?

Sending your married female friend to our table to ask if one of us would dance with you? Strike one. Big strike one. You know what that tells us? That you are a chicken. And neither me nor my friends want to dance with or pitterpat with a chicken.

Your married female friend comes back and shows us a picture of you with your shirt off. Now will we dance with you? No. You know why? It doesn't matter how hot you are if you are a big fat wimp. Wimpyness trumps hotness. Strike two.

"Listen, my friend has just gone through a terrible divorce. His self-esteem is low. Will you dance with him?" Do not make excuses for your wussiness. And especially, do not send your guy friend over to make excuses for your wussiness. We do not want to pitydance you. Nor do you want to be pitydanced. Am I right? Strike three.

Had you come over yourself, you might have had a chance after the first strike. But now, you are at strike three. My friends and I are signing our receipts. And you very quickly and pathetically have lost your chance. Not a big deal. Just an opportunity for learning. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Send a little testosterone through your veins and next time you are out, go ask that lovely girl to dance (all by yourself). You can do it. A little self-confidence goes a long, long way.

On a side note, today is day nine of my six months of no dating. I'm quite disinterested in anything else. It's a good place to be.

Driving into the Sun

2009-05-07T20:21:00.002-06:00

So you know when you are walking a path or driving somewhere and the sun is at an angle where you really can't see anything? You know a little bit about what's ahead, but not alot. But you know that it's going to be really, really good...

I felt that way today.

Rescue

2009-05-05T21:18:00.002-06:00

I used to be very self-righteous. It marked every moment of my life. I would be ever conscious of how I was perceived. I was stuck in that pattern of thinking. Locked. And at another time in my life I used to have terrible fears that sent me into a panic every day. I couldn't shake these no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't change my thoughts. They were there always. They defined every moment and demanded my attention. There was no escape.

But now I find myself free from all of that. I was literally a prisoner to my own way of thinking. It was terrible. Being finally out of it has been the most liberating experience. I credit the entire thing to God knowing me and taking it from me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't free myself. I couldn't will myself to stop this pattern of thinking. But I was rescued. For no reason other than the fact that I am loved. That's beautiful.

Now, though, I find myself functioning in an unhealthy way - procrastinating when I should be pursuing. And sitting back on my haunches. I delay. And none of it makes any sense. I delay because the stress of having to take care of it is too much for me. But then because I delay, I cause more problems for myself. It's all a way of thinking.

Why do I constantly find myself here? It's a cycle of developing harmful thoughts and then having to be released from them.

My Official Goal: By my birthday in August, I will be debt-free and I will have developed a pattern of thought marked by self-discipline that allows me to function in a more healthy way, financially.

Missing Rob

2009-05-04T22:25:00.003-06:00

I want to write. Have you ever felt like there was so much that you needed to process through? I feel that today and so I have sat down to write and I'm not quite sure what needs to be said.

I sat at breakfast this weekend with my lovely friend, Lisa. I have felt for a long time like we are two little peas in our pod. I'm not sure it's a perfect pod. No, it's not. Our little pod has been marked with big, big sadness and lots of joy, too. But we seem to have the same sort of something that is carrying us through. I feel like both she and I are able to take things as they come and to laugh them along. Whatever it is - good or bad.

She posted this video the other day that nearly wrecked me - Dave Matthews singing Grace is Gone. I know Rob and I were not married when he died. But for the life of me, I can't separate it all. He is still the only husband I ever knew. I really thought that I had patched my little self together and been okay knowing that he is gone. But it comes back in waves. I miss him so terribly much. I want to talk with him. Last summer we spent such wonderful time together... having dinners and listening to music in the park. I want him back. Here. On earth. And I'm so upset that God didn't fix it all. He could have.

So what was the point in all of that, really? To love and lose? Great. I'm not one to ask why... but for some reason, I can't get past the fact that I don't understand it. I never said I had to understand. But maybe one day years down the road when I have the family that I don't have now and when I've lived days and seen things I haven't lived or seen yet, maybe I'll understand. Right now I know it was a sad, sad loss for this world to endure.

So, his picture is up in my house. His bracelet is around my wrist. But how can you be near to someone who has left? I will never forget him.

Stupid Pasta Salad

2009-05-02T01:08:00.006-06:00

I am mad at pasta salad. Shouldn't pasta salad be easy? Not this one. This one has attitude. First, my dogs steal the vegetables off the counter and I come home to one demolished tomato, two remnants of bell pepper, and one mauled zucchini. Then I make this delicious sauce to go with it. I should have known my yummy vinegar sauce wasn't going to stay in that chintzy container from Walmart. Stupid. Of course... where does it end up? Ass over teacup in my carseat. That's where.

Now the Sarahs tell me my car smells like feet and makes them nauseous.

Official Day One

2009-04-30T22:34:00.002-06:00

Well, I'm counting today day one. Today is the first day in a while that I have been totally without a love interest. Fasting... can you fast love interests? If you can fast television and criticism, then you can fast love interests. 40 days seems like a very Biblical number to fast. But it seems awfully easy to do. Six months.

It will be easier if I don't wash my hair or shave my legs. Look ugly and it will be easy, right?

Goodbye?

2009-04-29T21:11:00.004-06:00

i really can't explain what happened with adam. i don't even really understand it. all i know is that we had a really fantastic time together. really, really fantastic. he is outrageously wonderful. and i am shocked that it's all over.

i really do hope that it isn't over. i feel like there is alot more for us. and i keep running the details through my head. most of the time, i've got so much going on that it doesn't cross my mind. but then i come home to my very lonely house or i see a blue subaru on the road or someone on a motorcycle or a bike or i drive past a restaurant we've been to and it all comes rolling back.

adam is one of those amazing people you never want to say goodbye to.

A Minute of My Brain Today

2009-04-28T18:30:00.004-06:00

stage left. stage right. how are we going to get the props there? that was a really great scene. awesome inflection! i guess we can do without the gong. i know she wasn't center stage but at this point, i don't have the patience to mess with it. seriously... you have had your lines for five months and you don't know them still? where is your prop? can i trust you not to miss your cue? pitches, guys. please listen to the music. watch me! get that bench out. whoa. totally lost. stage voices - louder! do you even know the words to this song? didn't i send that e-mail last week? when are we going to go over lights? what about the curtain? and the fog machine? how's that going to work? oh. they're hungry. they need food. be quiet! open up. do you see you are blocking the people behind you? stand in the window! watch it with the swords! you missed your cue because you were eating a snack. hmmm. wow... that was incredible. amazing! wait for that scene change music. you come on stage during a blackout. what are the motions for that? give me more energy, please. videographer. photographer. program. t-shirts. kudos board. headlamps. directions to the place. costumes. costume change. get me out of here. we need more rehearsal. my dogs. bills. adam. second grade assessments. plan garage band unit. i am hungry. go eat. go back to work. fix the car. cancel guitar lessons. i need a beer.

STOP!

breathe.

fizzle... sizzle... poof...

Living Praise

2009-04-26T12:46:00.005-06:00

Imagine this... if daily life, the regular coming and going, tasks and rendezvous, instead of taking the form of monotony were opportunities to celebrate and to learn. If we weren't so consumed with the to-do's that we would take each situation as it came to fully live it and enjoy it. To gulp it down and to get sloppy in it. I wonder how many people have truly made this concept come alive in their own lives. We get so bogged down and busy.

And when we take the time to develop a routine to slow down - to take walks, to read, to write - it often becomes taken for granted. These habits we develop to enrich our lives become tedious and we dredge through them without the wonder and appreciation that we had when we first began them. Does this happen with everything we do? And how can we keep that joy for those little moments while being sucked into the daily monotony of our own lives?

It is easy for me to see God in a lightning storm... to pause and to watch and to let gratefulness fill up my muscle and bone - in every nerve and every vein. But I've let that wonder slip out of the everyday. I am reading a book called Praise Habit by David Crowder. I love how the author talks about the first time you let that gratefulness and wonder pound back into your conscious... "It is the deep breath after having forgotten to breathe." He talks about how in the beginning, we knew that God was everywhere around us and in us... "He was in the breeze and under rocks and in our love and in our skin".

That just makes me feel alive.

Ok, Fine...

2009-04-25T22:26:00.002-06:00

I admit... marriage is a good thing.

It took me a while to find myself out of that bitter, hate-the-world stage I was in just after Rob and I split up. After everything ended, I couldn't care less about anything. There was almost nothing that mattered to me. I became pretty desensitized. I remember being at my best friend's wedding. The bouquet toss. All the lovely single ladies clustered together like a flock of geese... gaggling about catching the bouquet. And calloused, newly 'single' me, remained a hefty 20 yards away, just to be sure there was no danger in me catching anything. I even folded my arms. Yet, due to the gradually intensifying heckling I underwent from my friends and the single guys in the area, I reluctantly agreed to step 10 yards forward. I figured it would appease my best friend if I at least participated. Well, I'm sure you can guess what happened next... the bouquet sails through the air as though it were an arrow, and I, its magnificent target. Whap! It hits the ground right at my feet. Had I held my arms away from my body, as is tradition in an event of this sort, I would have caught it. I glared at it. Devil poison. Get thee back, you detestable beast. You love-rubbish.

Don't worry. I was peer-pressured into picking it up.

Anyway, that one event describes quite perfectly my feelings on marriage and love at the time. I was exactly the girl you did NOT want at your wedding. Well, I've found my way through the days since then and somehow have come out on the other side of this terrible stage. Singed, perhaps... but suffering no third-degree burns as I thought I had.

Marriage is worth it. I know that now.

Love Languages a la Doggie

2009-04-10T06:47:00.004-06:00

Ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? My dogs each have their own little love language.

Harley could not possibly survive without physical touch. He is in doggie heaven if only my fingertips would brush across him. When we go on walks, he checks in every now and then, touching his nose to my fingertips. He LIVES for touch.

Wyatt... quality time. He needs to be walked and to be played ball with. He wants to spend the first moments of the day nestling and snuggling with me. If he doesn't get his quality time, I can expect an over-hyper doggie zombie when I come home.

And Mocha, my roommate's dog, is all about receiving gifts... food, namely. He is a food hound. Whereever he can get it, he does. And if it comes from you, well, you are his new favorite person.

As you can see, I've got a lot of needs to fill.

That Leather Jacket

2009-04-02T21:25:00.004-06:00

I've had dresses hanging in my room for a few days. They are hanging across the front of my bookcase. There's silky slender blue ballgowns. There's a crazy patterned black and white knee-length go-go dress. There's strapless cocktail dresses and beautiful embroidered full ballgowns.

As I look across my room, I've got sultry red candles and reed diffusers. I have lotions and high heels. Yesterday's discarded clothes including underthings and tailored pants... fitted shirts and bits of jewelry. There's mascara and foundation and lip gloss.

One item doesn't go with this theme... a burly chocolate-colored retro-style motorcycle jacket.

It's awesome. It's not mine. But I really wouldn't mind if it hung there for days and days. The leather is thick. The zippers make a deep scratching zzzzzzz. It smells of metal and cologne and hide. And seeing it there among my dresses makes me smile. It's comforting in a way... like being wrapped up in a man's arms. Like feeling his scratchy face on yours and hearing his broad footsteps cross the floor.

I miss all that.

Going to the Ball

2009-03-29T21:34:00.003-06:00

So, a typical Friday for me entails meeting my friends out somewhere... eating delicious food... and having a few beers. Super laid back. Lots of jokes. Maybe dancing. Maybe bowling. Maybe crazy costumes. And on occasion it involves roller skates and afro wigs.

Well, iron your wifebeaters and trim your mullets, cuz this Friday night will be something special. I've never used the word 'ball' to describe any place I have ever gone in my life. I have been to the grocery store. I have been to work. But I have never ever been to a ball. I've been to a prom. I've been to a homecoming. But never a ball. I'm not hick in any way. However, I am not accustomed to the prim and proper lifestyle that one adorns to attend a ball. I have a fairly quick tongue and tend to make off-color and completely hilarious jokes. I can't stick out my tongue or punch anyone. I've got to tone down my sassiness. I want my date to be proud that I am on his arm. I want to be classy and beautiful and lovely.

I am quite excited. Can you tell? I feel as though I was just asked to the prom. Except it's way cooler. I am wearing a lovely ball gown. A strapless black dress with mint-colored accents and beautiful beadwork and embroidery. It's stunning.

I am quite glad to not be a prissy girly-girl. I like my adventures and my scars and my gettin' dirty. But it's an entirely different feeling to be lovely. I was mentioning to Adam that it's a little tricky to be as outdoorsy as I want to be and still be feminine. You just don't tend to look as lovely with scabs and scrapes making your legs look like a roadmap.

I tried the dress on for Adam yesterday. And his eyes lit up. They really did! That's an awfully wonderful feeling. I certainly don't have any delusions of grandeur or perfection. I just am planning on having a wonderful time and on making Adam glad that I am with him. He is too wonderful for anything less.

I know.... I just posted that I wasn't dating. Well... that's going to have to wait until after the ball.

Brainless

2009-03-28T09:52:00.004-06:00

Dear Brainless Exercise Fanatic:

At what point did you think jogging down Las Vegas Boulevard in the midst of oogling tourists on the block right where they've narrowed everything down to build CityCenter would be a good idea? I only saw you for about four seconds as I passed you, but it was enough. Your uptight little glare at all the hundreds of people ahead of you. They were impeding your progress. Their congestion was slowing your heart rate. Their pace FAR too slow for your athletic stride.

Hey. Guess what. The city is filled with treadmills. There's great trails all around the city. Heck... no one takes the stairs. Go run yourself up to the top of the Stratosphere. Use your brain, genius.

The No-Relationship Zone

2009-03-16T22:55:00.002-06:00

Six months... a year... I don't know. Can I do it? Of course. Do I want to? At this moment - most definitely. But I can see myself regretting this plan down the road. I can see myself being tempted to high-tail it back into serial dating.

It's strange, I think, that I find myself repetitively in these semi-long-term quasi-relationships. I date one person for a series of months and poof. Gone for one reason or another (now, I realize 'gone for one reason or another' also indicates me breaking things off for stupid reasons). I know. That's what dating is all about. I fully admit that I may be in a severe state of confusion. So sometime down the road, I may look back on this and admit I was crazy. Whatever. It is what it is. This pattern is making me feel like that's all I should expect. But truly, there's much more to a really solid, beautiful relationship.

So, as far as RelationshipSteph goes... count me out.

Commitment

2009-03-09T21:51:00.004-06:00

I have to say I've found that in beginning relationships, commitment is rare. For whatever reason, boys shy away from commiting themselves in a relationship because they aren't sure what's around the corner. They'd hate to pull you into their lives just to miss the great thing that they are sure is coming their way. Right? There's nothing like quasi-commitment to make a girl feel semi-wanted. Hey... wake up. I AM that great thing. Self-righteous? No. Self-promoting? No. Confident? Yes. Absolutely. I know girls. And I know I am a catch. So what's the hold up? Catch me.

I might as well swim my self out to sea. Find myself an adventure and in the meantime maybe find someone who is willing to risk the rough waters to find something worth catching. I'll leave the mackerel to you men who won't step off the shore.

No, Sir. I Actually Do NOT Need A Truck

2009-03-02T22:37:00.002-07:00

I ran to Home Depot today. Very quick trip. I grabbed some wood, threw it in my car. Shut the back door and began to get into the drivers seat.

"You see?!? That right there is why you need a truck."

I look over to see an old man. It's okay to say he was old, right? I mean, he clearly was old enough to be a grandpa. Why is 'old' perceived as such a criticism? Sometimes, it's just plain true.

I didn't notice that I was struggling at all to fit the very long wood in my car. Actually, I just stuck it through the space between the two front seats and it fit just fine. No issue. So what encouraged him to yell out across the parking lot at me? Is he a truck lover? Has he had damaging relationships with small cars in the past? Does he have stock in Ford or Dodge? I don't know.

That was one of only two instances in the last year that I have needed to fit something large in my car. And in zero of those instances did I think, "Damn. I wish I had a truck." Whatever it was that I needed to cram in there fit like a glove. All I could think of as I closed the door was, "No. Old Man. I do NOT need a truck. Clearly, the wood fit in here just fine. Don't you know how much it would drive me crazy to drive a truck? To jump up in that thing and to haul around town like some big time Texan? To spend about twice what I do in gas? Old Man, I got 38 miles to the gallon on my last trip to Buena Vista. Didn't seem to need a truck then, did I? You don't even know me. You don't know my needs. You don't know what I haul around. I'm a single girl, for heaven's sake! What business does a single girl have owning a truck? Tell me that!"

And I wished upon wished that I had just said it all right there.

Really would have taught him a lesson, huh? Right? RIGHT?!?

Quiet.

2009-03-02T22:09:00.003-07:00

I've been discovering my own need to be quiet and to be by myself. To turn off music. To turn off my phone and to bury myself in reading and thinking and journaling. This is the quiet, reflective side of me that I'm sure people don't recognize. All too often, I'm the brash and brutally honest, slightly in-your-face me. A friend of mine wrote a blog entitled, Breathe. It talks about intentionally placing yourself in a spot where you can fill your lungs and settle your mind and heart. It's all too necessary and all too overlooked. I recently have wrapped myself in social events - moving from one workout session to a dinner party... from one girls night out to another night in with my guy. And all I need sometimes is to be. Quiet. Settled. Alone.

Breathe.

Well, I spent some time reading today. I read slowly through a paragraph. I read it again. And then I read sentence by sentence. Words tangled through my thoughts. And I questioned the intent of what I had read. I journaled. And when I came out of this time, I thought about the following things... I realized how selfish I've become and how wrapped up in myself I get. And I realized how very, very little all of that matters. Sad, really. I have no significant issues in my life and yet I perseverate on running every little detail through my mind until I'm exhausted of it. Am I really that exciting? No. I'm really not.

I also thought of the idea of home. And what it means to make my home. My physical home is not the idea here. But instead, I really mean how I create my life and where I place value. Where am I settled and comfortable? Where am I at peace and at rest?

I love the word, abide. It indicates so many things. On a surface level it indicates staying or residing. To wait for something and to remain faithful to something. I love that. It's up to me what I choose to stay with... to be faithful to... and whatever it is that I choose, ends up being my home. And it's there I can rest.

That idea is beautiful.

Devil's Advocate

2009-03-01T15:10:00.004-07:00

My opinion:

I don't think guys fall in love. Yes... okay. EVERYONE disagrees with me. Fine. You don't have to agree. I'm just playing devil's advocate. Let's just suppose that guys don't fall in love. Why would we do that? Because it would just make me feel much better. That's why.

I'm just trying to think through all the gents I've had the pleasure to know in my lifetime. I think I've dated my fair share of boys. Starting with Jason S. freshman year of highschool. That one shouldn't even actually count. The first one never counts because all you do is tell people you are going out. And you talk on the phone like three times and then you break up.

Rob R. loved me. That's for sure. How do I know? Because I just know. It was nothing he did or didn't do. I just know he did. So, I guess that blows my theory out of the water. So let me rephrase it... Few guys fall in love.

Well, then there's all the boys that fell in love with my friend, Abby... and all the boys that are constantly in love with my friend, Sarah. And then there's my grandpa and my grandad. And my dad, who loves my mom. And all those stupid sappy boys who fall in love with women in the chick flicks. Well, Max really loved Angela. I know that for sure. And there's a teacher at work who is in love with his wife. Alot. And I'm sure all my friends husbands are in love with them. Damn it. So, let me again rephrase my theory... Few guys fall in love - with me.

I am okay with that. Not everybody in the known world has to be in love with me. My dogs are in love with me. My friends love me. My family... yes. I'm not complaining.

I'm just warning you. One day somebody will be in love with me. And he better watch out, because I might be in love with him too and then what will we do? We'll have to do all the stuff that people do when they're in love, like smile. And write notes to each other. And bake cookies as a special surprise. And plan birthday parties for each other and go on vacations together.

It's all too much to fathom.

Birds of a Feather

2009-02-25T17:54:00.002-07:00

My friend is afraid of birds. So afraid that she waters her flowers and bushes while wearing a bike helmet.

I want to buy her a parrot.

Frowzy is a Word... aka: My Physical Disability

2009-02-23T17:42:00.004-07:00

Now, I'm not one to complain. The fact that I have a less than ideal sense of smell has never created mass hysteria for me. It's been a fact that I graciously accept. To be honest, it's actually kind of nice. There are some perfectly nice boys I have dated that have emitted fumes of mass proportions... clearing a room in three seconds flat. Me? Doesn't even phase me. It might even be considered a bonus.

Well, I left my car closed up for about 24 hours this weekend as I was off on a mountain excursion. I returned to it sensing something odd. It was almost as though I caught a whiff of... rancid yogurt? It was some malodorus scent that existed almost as a shadow or a puff of smoke... barely discernible. Faintly perceived. Musty socks, perhaps? I filled my lungs with oxygen... drawing it through nostril and trachea to see if I was mistaken. Something was amiss.

I'm sure any able-nose-ed person could have practically tasted this odor. But I, taking my time driving home, sniffed and snoffed, pondered and predicted. I wondered... is it repulsive? Is it repugnant? Did my dog eat a loaf of banana bread and barf in the back seat? Did he hide it under a sweater? Was it on the seat? On the floor? What frowzy offense exists in my car?

Yes. Frowzy is a word.

Well, here I sit. Pressing finger to keyboard. Arranging letter and word. Manipulating sentence and phrase. And my car smells like a musty porcupine engorged of sauerkraut and frozen yogurt.

Don't just sit there. Go take care of it, You.

25 Things I Have Done

2009-02-08T21:38:00.004-07:00

1) Kicked a boy in the face for looking up my dress. Age 7.
2) Driven my car off of a large embankment and broken the axle. Age 19.
3) Skinny-dipped in a lake above 9,000 feet. Age 19.
4) Performed the role of Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker. Age 14.
5) Sung the role of Cherubino in the opera, The Marriage of Figaro. Age 19.
6) Developed a secret code which I used to obsess over the boys I had a crush on. Age 13.
7) Dressed in a hot dog costume and rode a motorcycle around town. Age 29.
8) Nursed a baby bird back to health... right before it died. Age 15.
9) Listened to live music in the cold, Colorado rain. Age 28.
10) Learned to drive a motorcycle. Age 28.
11) Learned to drive a stick shift. Age 28.
12) Went on an exciting beach vacation. Age 27.
13) Climbed two Colorado 14ers. Age 20 and Age 21.
14) Climbed my first multi-pitch route. Age 23.
15) Used inappropriate language with some old ladies in a needle-point chat room. Age 17.
16) Called the police on my friends who were stomping around on my roof. Age 21.
17) Got caught by the police making out with Rob in our car. Age 22.
18) Won $50 in a writing contest. Age 11.
19) Explored central Mexico. Age 23.
20) Ate whole baby octopus. Age 14.
21) Made a pie including peanut butter, syrup, barbeque sauce, hot chili sauce, and baking soda and fed it to my cousin's neighbor.
22) Rode my bike (with no brakes) down a very steep hill in Vail and crashed it into a giant boulder. Age 12.
23) Sung at an open mic night. Age 27.
24) Dated a long-haired, motorcycle-riding rocker. Age 19 and Age 28 (Same guy, although the hair was shorter when I was 28).
25) Dressed my little brother in my clothes... including dress, headband, and frilly socks. Age 11.

Harley... What You Sneaking?

2009-02-07T08:36:00.002-07:00

Dear Harley-Dog....

You are chubby. And so I have been feeding you less than usual. So I feel like you are more inclined to do naughty things when I am around. I admit to being slightly suspicious of your 'alone at the house' activities.

So last night... or this morning, I guess... when I got home I was surprised to see the house was in perfect order. Trash cans in place. Nobody had found any miscellaneous item to chew up. Good dogs. So I went to bed. And so did you.

What exactly do you think you can sneak by me? I'm a pretty sharp cookie, Harley-Who. Have you sneakified things in the past? I am generally unobservant of important details. Well, this one didn't slide by me. A candy cane. Who knew dogs liked candy canes? Wasn't there a way you could eat it to avoid chunks of it getting stuck in the fur around your mouth? And you thought you fooled me. Negatory, Harley. I am a human. You are a dog. I am better than you.

Sincerely, Mama

Back to Normal??

2009-02-06T17:01:00.003-07:00

Well, I never anticipated grief to show it's face like it did. And it disappeared quite strangely before I knew it was gone. Perhaps it will show up again but this last weekend, it was so heavy, I thought it would be my close companion for quite a while.

Strange.

In those moments of grief insanity, I think I blew a bit of a gasket and wrote a letter to break things off with this wonderful man I have been seeing. My friends all thought I was crazy. Why I would sabotage a good thing, I don't know. I guess I felt that I was too much of a mess to require him to spend time on me. However, he's one of the ones that held my hand and let me grieve. He's not perfect and neither am I. I am still not sure that we are right for each other. Is there some sort of timeline that dictates how long you wait around to feel like someone is right for you? Well, if I completely disregard all of that, I know that I love being around him. He is wonderful to me. He is thoughtful and caring. He gives in many ways. He smiles at my quirks.

I always think that if 'his' (whoever that 'his' may be) mother doesn't know about me, then I'm not really that important to him. Is that strange? I know it's somewhat silly. I mean, his mother might know about me even if I am not important to him. Seems like twisted logic, but it's my logic, nonetheless. I say all that to say this: his mother doesn't know about me. Seems like a chapter out of He's Just Not That Into You. Oh, yeah? Well... I... I refuse to leave my things at his house. And I don't leave my schedule empty just in case he asks. So there.

Sarah's Glasses

2009-02-01T22:48:00.003-07:00

This is truly a spectacle.

My friend, Sarah, just bought glasses yesterday. She pushed them up her nose. She squinted without them. She did all the things you do when you have glasses. She fogged them up and wiped them off. She said, "I can't see without my new glasses." And she became worried about misplacing them.

Where did she go to get them? Lenscrafters? No. Doctor's VisionWorks? No. Does she even know the name of a REAL place to get glasses? No. She bought them at Urban Outfitters and they are not even prescription.

She is a glasses poser.

Processing

2009-02-01T22:28:00.003-07:00

The memorial service magnified my grief.

It has been so intense since then. I woke up Saturday morning and felt heavy, heavy, and sullen and so, so, terribly sad. The words grief and sorrow now mean something to me. And now tears come even when I'm not thinking of him. They used to come when I would think of him in heaven... or of our time together. But now they come when I don't expect them. Sunday morning was terrible, too. Trying to hold it all together while I'm around people. I couldn't do it. I cried and cried and cried. I can't imagine how his sweet mother feels.

When I'm not buried underneath all of that, I feel absolutely nothing at all. I can still smile. I can still laugh. But I truly feel incapable of any emotion. And that's why I feel I have to stop dating this wonderful man that I have been seeing. I couldn't ask him to stick around for this ridiculousness. I feel completely emotionally bankrupt. I know he is wonderful. But I can't give him 100%.

Here is what I need: I need my dear, dear friends to know Rob. No one I know now really knows him. And it makes me incredibly sad. I want to show them pictures and I want to play the music we played at our wedding. And I want to make his delicious chili. I want to tell stories about him and to try to remember what we did. I want to remember everything.

Here is what I want: I want to go with Rob's brother and his best friends when they take his ashes to the top of Long's Peak. I don't know if they will let me. But if they don't, then I will go there myself and sit and speak with him and tell him goodbye.

Words for Rob

2009-01-31T12:58:00.005-07:00

I said goodbye to you yesterday. Or at least I think I did. Your friends were all around. Your family filled up the front rows. Last time that happened, we were getting married. Do you remember how it felt to have EVERYONE we loved there? Overwhelming. But you weren't there this time. And it was the most surreal feeling. Where were you? It couldn't be real, right? Any second now, you would be walking in the door. I think of all the times that we lived together that you would come through the front door. It was so normal.

Did you hear the story I told? I sat there, debating whether or not to go up. All I could think of was how much everybody hated me. And how with every word I spoke, they would be seething. But I knew that wasn't true. Richy, Steve, Matt, Erin, and Laurie... they all showed me love... unexpected. And I knew that maybe someone in that room would want to hear that silly story about you eating breakfast naked in the snow in Moab.

It was so good to hear Richy talk about you. And Erin. And Matt and Steve. You and I only had 8 married months together without cancer. It was so long ago, that sometimes I wasn't sure if I would remember our good times. But they reminded me.

You were so faithful. So funny. So authentic and genuine. You loved me.

You know what I thought today? That we never should have gotten a divorce. And that is why I woke up this morning at 4am. My heart weighed 100 pounds. And today at the mall, I wanted to buy something that would always remind me of you. A necklace. But I couldn't find anything. I don't want to date anyone. I just want to be alone and practice music and make you proud.

It makes me think about the purpose of my life. Really, I'm here to give to my friends and my students. And that's it. Everything else can leave me alone.

I haven't said goodbye to you yet, have I?

It Was So Bright and You Just Disappeared

2009-01-26T23:38:00.004-07:00

Here is what Erin wrote you on your Facebook:

"Hi Robbie Roo. Oh I'll miss you. Do they have Facebook up in Heaven? I'm sure God will tell you I called. I'm so excited for you! No more hardship and pain! I read your testimony again, all about how Jesus saved you, and it made me so happy. I know where you are. I was worshipping God with a bunch of crazy teens right when you died, and I thought, wow, this is what Robbie would want me to be doing right now. Just like we used to do. During worship I imagined God consuming you with His glory. It was so bright, and you just disappeared. Wow. Well, I love ya Rob Renfroe. I'm gonna race into your arms when I see you again, so get ready! Bye Bye for now, but just for now. yer pal Fostage"

And after I read this, I could barely breathe.

Love you, Erin.

I Can't Stop Thinking

2009-01-26T20:05:00.004-07:00

We last had dinner at La Creperie.

The last thing he said to me: "It's ok."

The last thing we ate together was rootbeer shakes from that ice cream place off of south Union.

The last time I heard him laugh... this summer. Our last conversation... in the park listening to music. We've had many silent moments since then. And now he is gone from the world.

But now he's back to who he was in full health... right? I wonder if he can look down and see us. I wonder if he remembers that I love him. I wonder what he is doing.

I looked at his picture today. I've had his pictures up in my house for months. He meant so much to me and he taught me everything of value. I look at pictures of him sick and swollen. And his death makes sense. But I see pictures of him joking, healthy, strong. And it doesn't make any sense. He's 30 years old.

The whole situation is ridiculously shitty. Ridiculously shitty that we had to deal with all that. Ridiculously shitty that we couldn't work things out. Ridiculously shitty that he had to suffer for so long. You know, it is what it is. Max always says that. And it's true. We have to take everything in stride. I don't get to have an opinion of what should have been. Because I can't change any of that. And it brings me back to thoughts on being present and living fully in this moment. Because this moment is the only moment that I have to DO. I don't have the next moment or the past moment. But I do have this moment. And at this moment I can DO anything I want to DO. I suppose this whole situation - shitty as it was, taught me what I couldn't learn otherwise. And if I look past all the terrible, there was so much beautiful. There really was. Otherwise this wouldn't be so hard.

Goodbye, Rob

2009-01-25T23:24:00.004-07:00

Rob is in heaven today.

I said goodbye to him two and a half years ago. He moved out. And we started our lives apart from each other. Today is sad. I think of him, now in heaven. Finally free from that crippled body. Can you imagine how he sounds? I can hear his laughter still. I'm sure it's ringing through heaven as the angels celebrate along with him. And for that, I celebrate with him.

But he is gone. How can this be real?

If we had said our final goodbyes two years ago, today would find me empty. Destitute and lost. But the one solace I find rests in our reconciliation. The sweet and simple forgiveness that defined the last year of our relationship. I can't tell you how much it comforts my heart to know that he loved me until his last breath. And I love him. Today and always. Our last moments together, I fed him breakfast. And if his family hadn't been in the room, I would have laid up next to him. And touched his skin. And kissed his shoulders. I wonder now why I didn't do it when I had the chance. But I think it may have outraged his family. I don't know if they understand the love that, even after our divorce, drew us together.

So, there is a measure of hope in all this dispair. And tomorrow, the sun will rise and I will go to work and teach just like I do every Monday. Lacking serenade and pomp. The day will go on for everyone just like every day goes. But for me, my thoughts will be on him and how happy he must be, now free from his suffering.

His vest hangs in my closet. It's all I kept.